Image: Politics and Fashion
Masha Agada got into her car and finally screamed.
She had just calmly walked out of her boyfriend’s…no, ex-boyfriend’s house, after telling him it was over. She was shaking vigorously as she gripped the steering wheel. The tears were seconds away from cascading down her eyes, but she had promised she wouldn’t let any man see her cry, especially not the jerk called Nonso. Well…she could cry now; in the comforts of her car. But she wasn’t going to! She gulped in air and tried to steady her nerves. When her heart rate wasn’t shooting off the roof anymore, she put the key in the ignition and slowly pulled out of the street.
Masha was new to town. She had been transferred by her bank to the Kaduna office in Kakuri. Unlike most people, Masha relished the transfer to Kaduna. She had wanted to leave Port Harcourt and all the drama she had accrued; from the fiancé who had shattered her heart when she caught him cheating, to finding out her boss whom she held in high regards was stealing from the bank. And even though she was one of the hardest working marketers in the bank, her refusal to have sex with many clients meant she often couldn’t meet her monthly target of ₦50 million.
It was the perfect excuse for her boss. When he initiated and approved her transfer, it was so he could keep his secret. So when Masha heard Kaduna, she jumped at the opportunity; even though she knew no one there.
When Masha finally resumed in Kaduna, she was welcomed with very open arms. It seemed people were falling all over themselves to be friends with her. She quickly felt at home. After her first week at work, she asked one of her colleagues – Annie – about the churches in town. Annie attended Our Family Church and invited Masha to check it out. Masha agreed. On Sunday, she was dressed in her fashion-best and ready to enjoy a great service. When she pulled into the parking lot of the church, she was welcomed with bright smiles and effusive hugs. Masha felt overwhelmed! She hadn’t known church could be such a warm, welcoming place! What part of the world had she been living in?!
When she finally entered the church, she gasped in pure delight because the interior decoration was perfect! As the service proceeded, Masha drank in the exuberance of the choir, the message, the way they welcomed new comers and the general atmosphere of service. At the end of service, Masha had decided she was going to be a member of the church. She asked for membership forms and filled them out. When Masha got home that day, she knew she had found a new home.
After six months undergoing membership training, Masha finally became a full church member. She quickly joined the church choir and totally gave herself to the community. Masha had a triangle of movement: home, work, church, and back home again. Her social life was her church and most times, she only went home to sleep. It wasn’t long before the church started buzzing about the new girl and her dedication to the things of God. With her growing fame, so were her suitors. All types of men came her way. She always turned them down because, for the most part, they were lacking in something she truly desired: better knowledge about God than she had. Most of the men just didn’t quite hit the mark. Many were willing to compromise on issues and most especially on sex. It wasn’t like she was a virgin; she had just made a commitment to God to not have sex again until she was married! So when ‘brothers’ couldn’t get her resolve, she dropped them from her friend list faster than they could holler ‘Hallelujah!’ She deftly parried the advances of the single guys until the day she met Nonso.
Nonso was not Masha’s dream man. He was short, not conventionally handsome, and had his facial features burned by acne. When he talked, saliva gathered at the edges of his lips. He also walked funny: something that would have been suave with a taller man, but seemed weird with him. What he lacked in physical looks, he more than made up with his voice. When he spoke, he could turn heads and melt hearts. He would have made a great public speaker, but he chose a career in real estate.
He was the chief consultant at one of the leading real estate firms, with a knack for ‘sniffing’ what property would rake in millions. He was invaluable to his firm.
In church, he maintained an aloof distance, saying he couldn’t be in any department because he was too busy. And because it was a fast-growing church, no one noticed him.
When he walked up to Masha, she was ready to brush him off with a quick smile and a harried ‘Hello’ when his voice stopped her in her tracks. Masha was not impressed with his command of English because he tended to use big words where small ones could do. She stayed talking to him only because of the quality of his voice. When she eventually left him, she was glad he hadn’t asked for her number. She just didn’t have the time for men.
When Masha got called to her boss’ office on Monday, she was not ready for what he was about to dish.
‘So…heard of Barkley’s Real Estate?’ he asked.
Masha nodded her head to one side, thinking. ‘Only vaguely.‘
‘Well, they are the biggest real estate company in the North, with headquarters here. We have been trying to get them to bank with us, to no avail.’ From the tone of his voice, it was easy to see how much he had tried.
Masha, thoughtful, replied. ‘Okay…let me study their portfolio and see what strategy we can use to lure them in.’
Her boss put on this who-cares-that-you-think-you-are-the-only-intelligent-one look before replying. ‘Oh, don’t worry about that. I have already figured out a strategy to get them.’
Masha raised her eyebrows. ‘Oh! Okay. Let’s hear it.’
‘One of their major consultants attends your church and hey, before you give me that look, let me finish. His name is Nonso Arinze. He is a big boy in this town. Get him to bank with us, and we can show him the packages his firm will enjoy. In six months, the firm will be at our doors.’
‘And…how do you expect I pull him in?’
Her boss looked at her intensely. He knew she had moral scruples that were not to be tampered with. He also knew that she, like it was reported in her Port Harcourt office, wasn’t meeting monthly targets. He knew she’d be the highest grossing staff if only she played ball with the various men she was constantly being sent to. And he knew it was time to stop acting like intelligence was all she needed for that job. If no one was going to tell her, he was.
‘You are a beautiful and sexy woman, Masha. You should be able to figure it out.’
‘Excuse me??’ It was all she could do not to lose her temper.
‘You have been missing targets and your manager in Port said the same about you. This is your last chance to prove yourself. In truth, if you don’t get Nonso, we might have to let you go.’
Masha looked at him with all the venom she could muster. She got up, walked to the door, turned back, and replied.
‘I will use my intellect to try to get him. While doing that, I will draft my resignation letter. If he says no to any concept I present to him, I will leave this place. No one…not you…not anyone…is going to turn me into a whore for targets.’
With that, she stormed out of his office.
Masha contacted Nonso and over dinner, explained why her bank was his best choice. She answered his questions and allayed his fears. When they were done, the time was far spent. Masha didn’t press Nonso. She just gave him the proposal she had drawn up and they extended good night pleasantries. At the restaurant’s parking lot, Nonso hollered at her as she was about to enter her car.
‘So Mash, can you come over to the office tomorrow morning? In case I have other questions?’
And though Masha flinched at hearing him call her ‘Mash’ – a name her former fiancé used to call her – she put up a bright smile and nodded in the affirmative.
When she got home that night, she somehow couldn’t get Nonso out of her mind. She kept going to the conversation they had had and concluded she had had a good time.
‘I need to socialize more. I’m thinking too much about this dinner’ she told herself.
After going through her nightly routines, she put on her computer and started drafting her resignation letter.
After three days of discussions, Masha not only got Nonso to bank with them, but also got two other key players at Barkley’s Real Estate. They gave insinuations that they were willing to give her bank their company account if they saw great benefits in their own personal accounts. Masha not only got Nonso, but was out of her boss’s bull’s eye for at least, another month.
In time, Masha and Nonso started hanging out together, spending lunch breaks with each other and even attending social functions together. Certain church members asked her what was going on, but she said they were just friends; which was all they were after all. When she told him her response to church members, he went into a fit, telling her that he wanted them to be more than just friends.
‘I love you, Mash. From the day I saw you, the very first day you came to church, I had my eyes only for you.’
He went on to tell her how he had monitored her progress and only came forth to say ‘hi’ when he felt comfortable enough. Masha felt warm all over. When she got home, she thought about Nonso all night. As she succumbed finally to sleep, the last image she saw was his face. It was no surprise that they started dating officially. He was God-fearing, nice and wonderful. It was easy to be swept in the romance of it all. Masha felt like she was in her own utopia. She was happy!
The very first time Masha went to Nonso’s house, he kept touching her ‘inappropriately’, brushing her breasts, bum and thighs, in what seemed very…innocent. Masha didn’t read much to it because she assumed that a Christ-centered brother wouldn’t want to have sex. Eventually, he tried kissing her and Masha told him that she didn’t want to go there just yet. He asked why. She told him it affected her prayer life and since she had now dedicated herself back to God, she didn’t need that drama. Nonso said he was cool with it. They watched movies and generally had fun.
From that day, Nonso layered on the seduction, masking it in a guise of romance. Masha’s senses were awakened and her sexual desires came out of hibernation. With each passing day, she found it harder and harder to resist him. After one month of the assault on her sexual senses, Masha yielded. She had sex with Nonso; ending two and a-half years of chastity. That night, the pain she felt was as if she had been a virgin again. She even had some spotting of blood.
With the end of the act came huge shame and regret. She wished she hadn’t done it. She looked at Nonso as he slept, and couldn’t help but hate him. She tried to pray, but the moans she had been uttering and Nonso’s face while he thrusted into her kept popping up in her mind. She sighed and eventually went to sleep.
She woke up to speaking-in-tongues, and it took her few seconds to remember where she was. She raised her head up and saw Nonso seriously ‘kabashing‘. She was shocked! How could he pray?! And speak in tongues to boot? She watched him continue on for another 15 minutes. As soon as he was done, he looked at her.
‘Good morning. I see you finally decided to join the living.’
He got up from his kneeling position and went to the bed. The first thing he did was pull the covers low, exposing her breasts. She pulled the covers back up; shocked that he could get up from prayers to her body. He tried caressing her and she pulled back.
‘You just finished praying. And moreover, we should be repenting for last night. This is no time to be touching me.’
Nonso roared with laughter. When he finally settled down, he took Masha in his arms and held her.
‘God created sex. What we did was not wrong.’
‘God created sex within the boundaries of marriage. He abhors anything outside marriage. You know His word, how come you are talking like this?’
Nonso looked at her. For a fleeting second, she got a glimpse of how evil he was. The moment passed.
‘Since I am the one marrying you, it is all the same.’ he said while caressing her arms.
Like a light switch, Masha was turned on again! Before she could say ‘don’t’, Nonso was already touching her breasts. She sighed, though it came out as a moan. Soon, the sheets were lying in a crumpled heap on the floor.
As their relationship progressed, Masha and Nonso kept having crazy wild sex. One time, Nonso flipped her and attempted anal penetration. She literally flew off her handle, angry that he would try that. He apologized and didn’t try it again. Apart from that, they were having sex a lot.
The more Masha had sex, the less inclined she was to have a relationship with God. Her fervor for religion dwindled. Nonso didn’t have that problem; going from round after round of immense sex to bouts of intense prayer. Masha began to despise his ability to still maintain his religious life.
All was okay between them till Masha began to notice that Nonso didn’t pick certain phone calls in her presence. She watched this for a while to be sure she wasn’t imagining things. When she was sure, she asked him about it.
‘I had a lot of my ideas stolen because I had conversations in front of friends. I decided to stop opening myself to such betrayal. Baby, it has nothing to do with you. It is just force of habit.’
She accepted his explanation and would have totally forgotten about it if she had not received an email from firstname.lastname@example.org. It read:
‘Hi. You do not know me and it is best that my identity remains a secret. I usually mind my business in issues such as this, but I cannot in this case because you are a good person. Please forgive me for whatever hurt my revelation might bring.
Nonso is engaged to a girl named Chidiebere Michael Ikechukwu. She works at an online sales company in Lagos. They had been dating for about four years before he proposed last year. The wedding plans are underway and will most likely happen before the end of the year.
I know you must be wondering if I’m a no-good prankster but I’m not. The proof is on her Facebook page. Check it out.
Sorry again for any hurt I have caused’
Masha read the email twice before she comprehended it. Without even checking the Facebook page she knew it was true. But she opened the page anyway. As her hands flew over the keyboard, she remembered the times he had said he didn’t want to meet her family just yet, how he wanted to meet them in a big way, how he only spoke to her in church when the pastors were not lurking around, how he had stopped talking about marriage after that morning when she complained. She also remembered how he was always busy when she had something to talk about and how he was free when she said she was horny.
The page opened and she quickly directed her cursor to photos. Her fears were confirmed with picture after picture of the lovely girl and Nonso. Masha felt the constriction in her heart tighten and her vision got blurry. Each picture stabbed her heart. All this while, giving herself totally to the fool and he was engaged?! He had been stringing her along all this while. She had been nothing but a side chick to him.
She wanted to just give up everything and run away, somewhere no one could hurt her again. She didn’t delude herself into thinking she had been deceived. The signs had all been there, practically in her face. She had been deliberately sailing in the fool’s canoe all along, refusing to see all the signs that it was a crocodile’s lair. When she felt like her heart was about burst, she gulped in air.
And suddenly, she felt pure calm. She had a very clear picture of what to do. For the first time since she got the email, she smiled. Only her coworker who raised his head from the computer saw how feral that smile was!
Though Masha found out about Nonso on Monday, she waited until the weekend before she called him.
‘So, I’ll be in your house in about an hour…’
‘Shhhhh! I will be at your place in an hour. I’m going to be wearing my wrap dress with absolutely nothing under…’
Nonso’s voice thickened and he started stuttering.
‘Ermm… Wh… What are you waiting for then? Want to keep a brother waiting huh?’
‘Simple. I’m coming with breakfast and you are my template. So, enjoy a bath, and lay on your bed…in the nude.’
‘Uh! Okay… (Shuffling sound) …taking off my clothes now’
Masha laughed. ‘See you soon.’
When Masha ended the call, she pulled her hair into a messy bun, slung her bag, took up the dinner set and walked out of her house.
Nonso had not had sex that good in his entire life. His side chick really knew her onions. Wow! He literally had his world rocked. He had to end this soon though, what with his wedding coming up. Anyway, it was now time for breakfast!
Masha waited until he was done chewing the last morsel. She had insisted they eat in bed. She took a napkin and cleaned the crumbs on his chin. She got up and stood in front of him, standing in all her naked glory.
‘So, Nonso, you looked at all this and thought “wow! This is side chick material” huh?’
Nonso was totally shocked. He couldn’t even move, not his eyes, not his body. He could only stare at her.
‘Well, it is over. Thanks for everything. I wished you had told me from the get go that sex was all you wanted; instead of telling me you wanted to marry me. Anyway, no need to cry over spilled milk. Enjoy your life and my warmest regards to Chidiebere’
Nonso didn’t say anything. Not when she went to the shower, not when she dressed up, not when she cleaned up every trace of her in his house and definitely not when she walked out the door an hour later.
‘It is time for a holiday.’ Masha thought to herself. ‘Maybe Paris.’
As she drove into her house, she changed from her wrap dress, had another shower, put on a shorts and a print top, and then got to work. At 2pm, she was done. She had packed basic necessities for her trip to Lagos. When she got there, she would get on the first flight to France.
‘Paris, here I come!!’
Chidiebere always loves a good surprise, and always likes to give one. She had been too busy planning her wedding that she had neglected her soon-to-be husband. She decided to surprise him by coming to Kaduna, having called him earlier on to ascertain that he was going to be home all day. Oh! She knew she was taking a risk, but she knew her man is a good, Christian guy. He wouldn’t say he’d be home all day if he wasn’t going to be home.
Exiting the terminal, she saw this gorgeous lady alight from a taxi. Her shorts went up to a new print top by Versace that she had put up on their website two weeks ago. She was surprised that such high fashion could be found in Kaduna.
‘Hold the taxi!’ She hollered as she tried jogging to the taxi. Both taxi driver and the lady looked her way. She raised her hand and kept walking to the taxi.
When she got to it, the lady was just removing her last box from the trunk of the taxi. Since she wanted to dump her heavy box in the trunk, she got a full view of the lady’s face and for a second there, she thought the lady looked like she had seen a ghost. But it passed and the lady smiled at her.
‘Have a great life.’ she said and walked away, dragging her boxes with her.
Chidiebere watched her for a while, wondering what that was about.
‘Madam, where we dey go?‘ The taxi driver brought her back to reality.
She shook her head, and with that, the memory of the lady.
Chidiebere didn’t knock. There was no need to. The doors were open, left slightly ajar, like he was expecting her. She smiled. She walked into the sitting room. The TV was on. He probably just walked into the bedroom or something. She held a giggle and dropped her box. It will be awesome if he was in the kitchen. She tip-toed to the kitchen, then peeped in. He wasn’t there. That left his bedroom.
She tip-toed to the bedroom door…and opened it. It was dark in the room, with the curtains cutting off the light. She saw the silhouette of a person in bed. She ran her hand on the wall, looking for a switch. When she found it, she took a deep breath, and turned it on.
On the bed was Nonso, naked, tied spread-eagled to his bed posts. A pool of blood had gathered at the point in between his legs and it was met with the gruesome, jagged edges where his penis used to be. In a gift box beside him was his penis, all shriveled up.
The last coherent thought she had was, ‘I can’t marry a man without a d**k!!’
THE END…or is it? Check out SIDE CHICK II (here)