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By Adetayo Adetokun
I am going to have to hold your hands when I say: package the shame that has been sold to you over the years and send it back to the owners.
In Africa, there is this expectation that anything outside of the norm is shameful and a mark of failure! Societal expectations are often a double-edged sword. They provide a sense of identity and belonging, but they can also stifle innovation and personal growth. For many, anything that deviates from the norm is met with skepticism, judgment, and often, shame. This pervasive culture of conformity discourages individuals from pursuing unconventional paths, reinforcing the notion that success is only achievable through traditional means.
From a young age, children are conditioned to follow a predetermined trajectory: excel in school, secure a stable job, and start a family. Any deviation from this script—whether it is pursuing a career in the arts, entrepreneurship, or activism—is frequently met with resistance and ridicule. This rigid framework not only limits personal potential but also hampers the continent’s progress by suppressing diverse talents and innovative ideas.
For people like me, a medical student, anything outside of medicine is…. Shame! Failure! When I started to venture into other fields, it didn’t matter how many questions I had answered correctly. If I could not answer one, my instructors would think it was a result of my other involvements. Shame!
My parents were concerned about what people were saying. “What if he falls out of love with medicine or by chance I get withdrawn?” This kind of shame is what most of us are used to: transferable shame from the nosy people around you, to your parents and then directly at you. Shame!
For many medical students living in Africa, medicine is seen as a destination, not a journey. The final end is often the induction ceremony where “the winner takes it all”. For people like me who wanted to be more than just a doctor, how dare I not want to participate in this Olympics fueled by unhealthy competition, instead of focusing on actually learning medicine and impacting lives? Again, shame!
For many Africans, the pressure to conform begins early. Family and community expectations are deeply ingrained, with success often narrowly defined by academic achievement and conventional careers. Those who dare to chart a different course are frequently labeled failures or rebels, subjected to a barrage of criticism and shame. This societal disapproval can be debilitating, stifling creativity and discouraging risk-taking.
For many of us, our lives have been largely determined by patriarchal values, lies, and corruption, often wrapped in the guise of religion and culture. These prepackaged norms, sold to us as the path to success, have been largely dictated by men in our society. But dearly beloved, in 2024, we have the internet, Artificial Intelligence, books, and a wealth of resources that can help us understand what we should be doing and the true implications of our actions.
We live in a world that is increasingly interconnected and flexible, a world where traditional boundaries and expectations are collapsing. Today, we know that divorced women can become CEOs, gay men can be astronauts, and trans women can lead multimedia companies. The so-called consequences that have been drilled into us over the years are nothing more than smoke and mirrors. It is high time we stand up for what we believe in because the only real shame is the one we create for ourselves.
What do I want you to do? Define success in your own terms. I come to you as the boy who has wrestled shame to the ground and won for the most part. My introverted nature, soft features, and love for prim and proper dressing set me up for shame from the day I was born. When I realized it was my duty to unlearn shame and embrace confidence, everything began to change.
From an early age, I faced judgment and ridicule for not fitting into the traditional mold of masculinity. My interests and demeanor were constantly scrutinized, leading to an internal battle between conforming to societal expectations and being true to myself. It took time, but I gradually understood that the only path to true happiness and fulfillment was to reject the imposed shame and define success on my own terms.
Success is not a one-size-fits-all concept. For some, it might be a prestigious career or financial prosperity. For others, it might be about personal growth, happiness, or making a positive impact on the world. The key is to discover what truly matters to you and pursue it with passion and determination.
For me, success meant embracing my uniqueness and finding confidence in who I am. It meant excelling in my medical studies while also exploring my interests in health equity and advocacy. It meant rejecting the narrow definitions of success imposed by society and creating a life that reflects my values and passions.
This journey was not easy. It required unlearning deeply ingrained beliefs and confronting the fears and insecurities that came with stepping outside the norm. It involved surrounding myself with supportive people who encouraged my growth and celebrated my achievements, no matter how unconventional they seemed.
One of the most liberating moments was realizing that the shame I felt was not a reflection of my worth but a projection of societal biases. By recognizing this, I could start to dismantle the internal barriers that held me back and build a foundation of self-acceptance and resilience.
By defining success for ourselves, we can create a new narrative that celebrates diversity and individuality. We can challenge the status quo and pave the way for others to do the same. In a world where traditional expectations are rapidly changing, it is more important than ever to embrace our unique paths and support one another in our journeys. This new narrative is not just about personal achievement but also about collective progress. When we redefine success, we contribute to a more inclusive and dynamic society where everyone has the opportunity to thrive. We inspire future generations to pursue their passions without fear of judgment and to build lives that are meaningful and fulfilling.
Embracing confidence means standing firm in our beliefs and values, even when faced with opposition. It means taking pride in our identities and accomplishments, regardless of how they are perceived by others. Confidence is not about being perfect or always getting things right; it is about having the courage to be authentic and the resilience to keep moving forward.
In a world full of noise and distractions, finding and maintaining this confidence can be challenging. But it is worth the effort. By embracing our true selves and defining success on our own terms, we can live more fulfilling lives and make a lasting impact on those around us.
If you have read this far, congratulations! You have just completed a masterclass in reclaiming shame. Your task now is not just to return the shame that has burdened you, but also to spread this message to those who still live in fear of unfounded standards and frail cultural norms. We vowed to be the generation that shakes things up, and now is our moment to act.
To every young person reading this, seize this opportunity to redefine success on your terms. Break free from the shackles of societal expectations. Embrace your uniqueness and pursue your passions boldly. Let us challenge outdated norms and pave the way for a future where individuality and authenticity reign supreme.
Cheers to embracing confidence, to forging new paths, and to making a difference in our communities and beyond. Together, we can create a world where shame has no place and where every person can thrive. This is our chance to shape the narrative and build a future that honors diversity, innovation, and true fulfillment.
Let us rise above the constraints of the past and lead with courage and conviction. The journey will not be easy, but it will be worth it. Stand tall, speak your truth, and inspire others to join you in rewriting the rules. Together, we can make a profound impact and leave a legacy of empowerment and change.
Cheers to you, the bold and fearless leaders of tomorrow.
