The shortcut to eternal doom they say; the worst of all evil. The fast killer, the baddest bitch; crack! A dance with the devil himself, in a ballroom made of thin glass floors, best to watch your step for you might fall or better yet dare not even get in to begin with. An opulent orchestra with the most majestic tune, it’s like a sweet poison or forbidden fruit, one dares not to taste, because like Adam and Eve in that garden long before you and me, things will never be the same again; probably.
In a single moment that didn’t coincidentally occur, I find myself in a parking lot. But I state for reference long before this parking lot I once found myself in a bathroom sitting on a toilet seat with the devil in my hands. All by myself I looked straight into the glass stick and at the time it looked like a long road and at the end of it was a mystic story as white as snow, small but very powerful I knew. And in my other hand was a lighter, the key that would unlock the door and lead me to this story.
But this wasn’t just any story, we’ve all heard of fairy tales, fables, fantasy, myths and sagas. This one story seemed to be different, it was cryptic in nature, apart from the murkiness which was more of a cliché and being my own master of seeking pleasure in dark and twisted spaces all in the quest of my never ending savvy for the search of beauty and pleasure in all things both ravishing and grotesque, this story here seemed to be in allied balance of both; Bitter but sweet, Grand but with an abundant sprinkle of a certain kind of grim, but Angelic and Ungodly all at the same time.
Adamantly Gemini, being both two sides of the coin, the Twins; zodiacal constellation between Taurus and Cancer containing the bright stars Castor and Pollux, certainly this to me would be a lush treat. And like Hansel and Gretel and the old ugly witch every treat comes with a price; give or take. I ask myself more than once if that price is worth it, trying to find a centre point to hold myself before I slip over the edge down the waterfall or jump up past the clouds above straight to the stars. Waterfall or stars each has an enticing amount of splendour but I certainly know either which way I go as long as I take this road, inevitably I will always fall right back down to the ground where I was before. It’s fast and powerful to break the barrier of time and space; that thrill! For we thrill-seekers that is. But no matter how fast the roller coaster ride is it shall definitely come to a halt, everything ends even life itself. I ask myself if to live is just enough, we’re all selfish in very many different ways, I just wanted to feel alive if only for one moment, to be anything but ordinary, this thirst is my fuel I need it to have a meaning to life, to understand it.
At this point I’m beginning my first dance with the devil. To stay alive we must survive and to survive we have to cross all sorts of bridges all in our paths. Some of these plights are probably illusions created in our already messed up heads but we live in our heads most of the time, so to ignore this would take deep inner strength but for the odd ones like us who would rather take the frame of its hinges and look at the wall behind it when told to look beyond the picture, where we know there is either a puzzle, wonder or misfortune, the unknown mystery.
At certain points in my life I feel like a David and Goliath comes to me at different points in different forms and proportions. To succeed David had to take Goliath head on with only a slingshot in hand and all he wanted to do was succeed; he had to but what if he didn’t? Little or nothing about him would have gone down in history.
DISCLAIMER! I do not intend to go down or up in history like David or Goliath but my life is my story and I have the right to make choices good or bad, but at the end I hope it leads me to a good place. And getting there isn’t necessarily a smooth or easy ride but if the price is worth it everyone just wants to be happy.
“Happy” the thought of the word gives me a slight tingle up my spine & my fingers stop trembling. I stare at this devil in my hand straight in the eye, put its lips on mine, my fingers bracing it tight in a stylish embrace that sort of looks like that of a classic waltz, I lift my glass stick upwards towards the sky (or bathroom ceiling) and with a single spark of blue and yellow flame I embark on my journey, my very first dance with this very much harshly talked about devil. At point of ignition my eyes are halfway shot as if an unexpected wind were about to gush on my face not knowing whether to keep them open or closed for this first deadly kiss. Slowly I suck this kiss into me and almost instantly in can see that splendour. It’s vague, fast and I can’t completely comprehend which one it is, the waterfall or the clouds. I can hear my heartbeat like the drums, the sizzle and crackling noise from the rock is like a variance of string instruments, this dance has officially begun and I can’t turn back now. My eyes are fixed on the flame that is burning at the opposite tip of the glass stick and it feels like a spotlight beaming above me, my God I think with a tiny stint of fright. This kiss is certainly deadly because now my lips are starting to burn, still I hold the kiss for one last instant before the dance is over or so I thought. It’s all music to my ears but now I’m nearly out of breath as everything starts to feel narrow but in a vast space so I barely let go of this painful kiss with one last almost impossible grasp for normal air in a swooshing flux. A few seconds feels like eternity and all this air flow is a bit too much, I squeeze my eyes tightly one time and almost instantly open them as wide as I can, I push my lips forward with little opening to breath it all out; the drums, the violins, that cello, the glass dance floor, (also the imaginary grand piano and trumpets too) even the spotlight above me has gone dim for now. Release…. instantaneously as I breath out this clear bluefish funnel shaped smoke beaming forward from my mouth I feel the rush, YES! I think to myself, that’s it, the one. I can’t explain this feeling but I know beyond reasonable doubt that this is definitely the one, the peak of this mountain. Lock stock and barrel! Everything is pushing back at greater lengths of propulsion; the drums are rolling, the light is shining, everything is on in full throttle now.
Slowly, rapidly but steadily I sink into myself and everything instantly feels brighter, louder and more beautiful and it’s all so very quiet in this bathroom, not even a drip of water, everything is still and flawlessly silent. I’m right there but it’s as if I’m not there at all, I plunge deep into myself to a place I’ve never felt before, I use ‘felt’ not ‘been’ to describe this ‘feeling’ because of course it’s not like I left that spot and teleported somewhere else. But for the first time in a very long time I felt safe deep within my treacherous self, nothing and no one mattered in that minute but me alone, my solitary ace.
Secretly I have long searched for a sanctuary, in the sun, in the rain, in my sleep and wake, even in my dreams, within and without. And at the pinnacle of this moment I was both (within & without); Yin & Yang.