The Weird One Out
PHOTO: ONE EQUAL WORLD Society has defined how the ‘ideal woman’ should look, walk, talk, behave and be interested in. This evolves every once in a while but the core tenets of what society wants from women are basically the same; be pretty, talk less, marry, give birth, support your man and fade into oblivion. When a woman doesn’t fit into the well laid out specifics of the ‘ideal woman’, she begins to feel odd and worse, and doubt her self-worth. Her difference plagues her and she wonders if something is wrong with her. As she battles these thoughts, society sends men and women who fit in to her ‘ideal’ classification to pepper this ‘different woman’ with wandering anecdotes and poisonous sarcasm. Here is a glimpse of the thoughts that plague women who do not fit into the ‘ideal’ or ‘perfect’ or ‘true definition of what a true woman should be’ classification. Let us start off on some of the questions she asks herself about her look: · Is it weird that she does not know the difference between a hair conditioner and a moisturizer? Or what their uses are?· Is it weird that she cannot tell between an original human and faux human hair? And that even if she knew, she would never spend over ₦50,000 just for her hair?· Should she be worried that she cannot tell the difference between a foundation and a concealer or even a highlighter? Oh! She knows what they are supposed to do but isn’t sure she can tell the difference when placed in front of her.· Why does the sales girl at the lipstick store ask her if she wants merlot, garnet, sangria or currant when all she asked for was red?· Why did the man at the cosmetic store snicker when she insisted there was really no difference between a ‘bleaching’ cream and a ‘toning’ cream?· Should she have been mad when the man at the underwear shop told her she was better off with the push-up bra as she isn’t well endowed?· Is it weird that she is not worried about her belly fat? And why was it acceptable to use waist trainers and give an illusion of a flat tummy when she had anything but?· Is her natural smell so wrong that she has to douse herself with multiple perfumes, deodorants, sprays and scents?· Is it wrong to just want to wear something comfortable instead of something trendy? That she wouldn’t spend money on designers who are all the rave now but whose designs would be outdated after a season? That she would rather wear generic clothes because somehow, they never go out of style?· Should she pretend those heels don’t hurt like hell or should she just stick to her ballet flats and scandals? And when she is done thinking about how she looks, she also has to ponder on these other questions: · Why should she be quiet in public places when her voice is a great tool in correcting societal wrongs?· Why should she catwalk and sway her hips when all she wants to do is to get to where she is going?· Is it weird that she would rather spend ₦20,000 on books than on clothes, shoes, bags, makeup or jewelry?· Why do people give her the funny look when she says she never watches ZeeWorld or Telemundo or Africa Magic Epic? Is she so wrong for preferring Discovery Channel, National Geographic and BBC and the NBA channel?· What is so wrong with being interested in The Big Bang Theory, Fringe, CSI, Criminal Minds, Bones, Sherlock and the Marvel series? Why should she have to limit her scope of understanding because girls are ‘not supposed to be that intelligent’?· And where was it written that women are only interested in sports because of their boyfriends or because they want to ogle men? Even when she proves she has been a supporter of Arsenal since they first signed Robert Pires, some men still think she is a supporter because Theo Walcott is fine.· And why do her female friends keep telling her she ‘sounds like a man’ when she discusses politics and the economy and global happenings? Like, because she is a woman, she shouldn’t be able to understand politics, economics or espionage?· And talking espionage, is it weird that she would rather cuddle up with a Dan Brown, Robert Ludlum, Steven King, Tom Clancy, Agatha Christie, James Patterson, Sydney Sheldon and John Grisham than Complete Fashion, City people, any M & B or eHarlequin?· Is it weird that she knows about NASA, quantum physics, coding and app creation, DNA sequencing and cloning, artificial intelligence and Einstein’s Gravitational waves theory? · Why should she have to take the words of ‘spiritual leaders’ as true and infallible when she studies the scriptures herself and sees that, many times, these ‘spiritual leaders’ are just wrong? And why should she not teach the word because she is a woman? These questions keep her up at night wondering if her difference will negatively affect her life. The worst area for her revolves around her sexual relationships. She wonders: · if her mind is sexy enough to attract the guy she wants; · if the guy she wants wouldn’t be bothered by her lack of interest in fake nails, caked faces and flamboyant clothes; · if the guy wouldn’t be threatened by her intellect and the quality of her mind; · if the guy understands that a relationship is a part of her life and not the entire essence of it and; · if the guy she wants even exists? What many people do not know is that more women are waking up to the realization that there has to be more to life than looking pretty, ‘slaying’, wearing the hottest designer clothes, getting married, giving birth and taking care of a family. These women want to change their world in their various fields. They want to leave a
The Unfairness Of Marriage
Culled from: MADAMNOIRE A time comes when women begin to feel the flutters of loneliness, where the desire to have a person they can call their own sets in. Marriage ideas begin to grow, and she starts to screen possible suitors according to her preformed ideology of what marriage entails. Soon enough, she settles on one man who satisfies at least 70% of her desires, if not all of it. That seems all good and diddly until the day after the wedding. Things change so drastically after she says ‘I do’ that she wonders whether she is on a roller-coaster ride. She wakes up to the reality that marriage may not be the fairy tale she had envisioned it to be. First of all, she loses her identity. She is no longer called ‘Martha’, ‘Janelle’, ‘Iniobong’ or ‘Safiya’, but ‘Mrs. (insert husband’s name)’. No one cares anymore that she was a person in her own right before she joined herself to her man. Many people conveniently forget her name because she is (huffs) now married. In the typical Nigerian context, she might be called Amariya, Iyawo, Nwunyem or our wife. Secondly, society expects her to stop dressing beautifully because she now no longer has any reason to. Society thinks she was dressing in an attractive manner to catch a man and having done so, should stop being attractive. No one cares that she probably dressed well because she wants to or loves to. On the other hand, no one expects the man to stop rocking his jeans and polo shirts. No one expects the man to look shabby on purpose. They expect him to always look dapper or the wife gets blamed; one of her many chores it seems. But the woman has to start wearing big(ger) clothes, wrappers and Abayas. If she is found wearing sexy clothes, or even normal clothes (such as jeans and a simple top or tee), she will not be able to live down the side-eye she is sure to get from other women…and men too. Also, if push comes to shove, the woman is expected to give up her career and job to play house and raise the kids (if there are any). This comes from the notion that husbands and children are the essence of the woman’s life. No one cares that raising kids is a two-parent affair; at least. A woman might have to give up on her life for her kids, because society dictates that kids are the center of her life. Does that, in essence, mean the kids are of no importance to the man or not as important to him as they are to the woman? When a woman considers marriage, let her realize that religion (if she practices any) places a huge role on women. In Christianity, it is expected that the woman submits to her husband (Ephesians 5:22-24) as the church would submit to God himself. The flip side is that, a man has to love the woman as Christ himself loved the church; willing to put up life to restore the world. Marriage in Islam is viewed as an important and sacred union between a man and woman that fulfills half of one’s religious obligations. Let women also consider that in Africa, the dictates of society on married women is condescending, patriarchal and in some cases, absolutely misogynistic. The unfairness of marriage is such that until you are willing submit to that man whom you profess to love, you are not expected to be talking about marriage. Submission of this sort, if not properly considered and digested, can lead to bitterness and immeasurable sorrow. If however, you are of the opinion that marriage is a partnership – as it should be – you would still need to contend with family members who refuse to accept your postulations. Men can get away with being opinionated about the things they want; women, not so much. We are changing the narrative, but it really is at a sloth’s pace. So really consider if you want to get married. Can you handle the pressure? Can you hold your own? Does your partner know who you are…and supports it? Because if you are marrying for the feelings of it, you may be headed for a place of such utter sorrow. Think about it…and prepare for that marriage if you choose to walk down that road.
