Long Distance
Image: Godisable Jacob. She sat on the edge of her bed, tired of pacing the length of her room while waiting for her phone to ring. Adon was waiting for her boyfriend to arrive from Abuja; a trip to Gombe that was usually about 9 hours by road but was in its 12th. Coupled with the fact that he had left late (at almost 9:30 AM) it wasn’t hard to understand why she was worried. She had not seen him in three months and in fact, had only seen him once in their seven months relationship. They had been friends for a little more than five years before it had become a full blown relationship. Since they had started dating, all they did was fight. In fact, they had been fighting on the regular for days now and she was a bit tired of the whole drama. When he said he was coming to see her, she was both ecstatic and afraid; afraid that spending time together would push them to end the relationship and also afraid he wouldn’t like her so much when he spent time with her. When he finally got a vehicle, he told her his phone battery was down. She told him to save it and even that statement had become another excuse to fight. Since she hung up on him, she hadn’t been able to talk to him all day. She had called and called, and he hadn’t picked. Why was he not picking her calls? ••• Why couldn’t he get through to her? He had been calling her numbers all day and the annoying computer voice kept saying her number was switched off! Jason was was tired of the journey and he didn’t need this network issues at the moment. He just wanted to get to his girl, to see if he could salvage the relationship that seemed to be riddled with constant fights. Every little thing he did was blown out of proportion by Adon. She always seemed too eager to jump him when he showed the slightest disagreement. If he didn’t love her so, he would have ended things long long ago. This was a last ditch attempt to see if their relationship was worth all the trouble. Since he couldn’t get her, he started typing a text message. After all, he was somewhere at the outskirts of Gombe. ••• ‘Brrrrrrrrrrrhhhhhhhh…’ The vibration of the phone made Adon jump. She had been so lost in thought that she forgot where she was for a minute. She picked her phone and saw an SMS. Jason! She quickly unlocked her phone and read it. He was close…almost there. Adon jumped, ran her hand through her hair, picked her car keys and ran out of the house. ••• Jason hoped Adon wouldn’t run him out of town. His heart was thumping while he waited for her. He decided to use the ATM since she insisted he stayed in a hotel. She had a house and could have made it easy for him but no, she didn’t want any drama with her neighbors who were all stiff-necks. He didn’t express his disapproval, he just accepted it and got into a bus. It was hard most times dealing with Adon. He just hoped he wouldn’t look like a total fool when he had to return to Abuja. He finally spotted the first bank on the street and walked into the ATM cubicle. ••• ‘Where in God’s name are you?’ Adon cursed beneath her breath as she circled the street on more time. All she had asked him to do was wait for her at the bus stop. Where had he gone? She tried to stifle the salty taste of fear she was tasting in her mouth. She couldn’t bear to imagine… ‘Jason!‘ She screamed as she saw him come out of a bank, creating skid marks on the road as she screeched to a halt. He had not heard her, which was not surprising since he was wearing his headphones. She would have to go turn again. She picked up her phone and tried calling him again. ‘The number you have dialed…‘ ‘Arrgghhh!‘ She ended the call with as much frustration and anger as she could muster. She dropped the phone, started the car and drove quickly. The red light at the junction was almost her undoing. Each second felt like eternity and when finally the light changed to yellow, she didn’t even wait. She made the turn and sped off. The green light could go hug a transformer! When she finally got to the bus stop, she saw Jason looking from left to right, standing out in the crowd, and in a way, managing to still look sexy despite having to travel all that distance. She found a shoulder on the road and smoothed her car into it. She came down and crossed the road. Jason still hadn’t noticed her. ‘Your phone is supposed to be close to you so when I call you, you pick.‘ she said in a harsh voice. Jason had turned to look the other way when he saw that Adon was almost on top him. He took out the ear phones and caught the last part of what she said. He smiled. She stopped in her tracks. He took one step forward…then another and like something out of a movie, he gathered her in his arms and pulled her in for a bear hug; all 5 feet 7 inches of her. One look at her wild hair, her lithe figure, those pouty lips and he knew he was home! ••• Adon didn’t remember him this buff! The last time she had seen him, he was gangly, and quite frankly, wobbled when he walked. His skeleton seemed to be uncomfortable carrying his 6 feet 2 inch frame. His head seemed to be out of place with his remaining body. Today…he looked…perfect! He was buff, all muscular and stuff, and when he took
Organized Religion: Instrument For Mass Delusions
Prayer.Image: Jack Skett Have you listened to religious messages recently? Are you worried about what these messages are doing to individuals and society? Because it seems the divide along religious lines in Africa is widening and the chasm is about to swallow us. Whether it is Christianity, Islam, Buddhism or Judaism, all organized religion seems to be doing is spreading hate, intolerance, violence and an apathy for humanity outside of one’s faith. It is an irony because most religions hide behind a facade of tolerance and peace. Few days ago, this Tafsir – a body of knowledge which aims to make clear the true meaning of the Qur’an, its injunctions and the occasions of its revelations – was on radio and the central message was that Muslims were better than everybody and Christians and Jews were people Muslims needed to be wary of. The Tafsir was playing in a plural society where both Christians and Muslims lived. Any Christian listening to that message would have been uncomfortable. If they had kept listening, they would have felt the gradual stirring of anger. Over time, the anger might turn to hate. Next thing you know, a need for vengeance. Make no mistake; Muslims are not the only ones preaching these types of messages. Preachers in churches are equally guilty. It is not unusual to see some preachers talk about Muslims in a derogatory manner during their sermons. Furthermore, Christians are told that, by virtue of accepting Christ as their Lord and Savior, they have become better than others. They are taught to see anyone who hasn’t accepted Christ as unbelievers and some sects in Christianity even go as far as saying that Christians shouldn’t associate with Muslims. Hence, the society is made up of two major religious groups who think they are better than the other and who refuse to be led, or as they would describe it, ‘ruled’ by the other. Does this ring a bell? This display among religious adherents raises certain question. Why do preachers feel the need to constantly tear other faiths apart? And since times are changing, shouldn’t the way scriptures are followed also change? In the past, it may have been okay to kill people who didn’t share your belief. Today, it sparks of human rights abuse. Many people are quick to label Muslims violent. It has been said that anything said against Islam, its prophet and ethics usually ends in bloodshed. It is also said that any slight against one Muslim is a general strike against all Muslims. Many people conclude that Muslims are defensive about their religion, even unto death. What many do not realize is that the Christian faith is like that; or started out like that. The Church has also caused many deaths in the world. During the Crusades, anyone not ‘accepting’ Christ was killed and their properties confiscated. The Catholic Church made a fortune in death and torture and while doing that, served up Jesus on a platter of silver. They killed people who had different views from the ones set by the church. Take what happened to the Cathar Movement for example. The movement were a group of gnostic Christians whom the church deemed heretics and a genocidal war approved by Pope Innocent III almost completely wiped them out in 1321 CE. The church also, between 1347 and 1349 blamed many Lepers, Jews, Muslims and witches for The Black Death epidemic. These groups of people were accused of poisoning wells and spreading the disease. From the 1430s, the church brought up trumped up charges against ‘witches’, blaming them for stupid reasons like male impotence and using the opportunity to go on killing sprees. For over a century and a half, a time known as the ‘Burning Times’, the church was responsible for the deaths of millions of people; the actual number is not known because of disparaging accounts between the church and independent historical sources. Was that the worst the church, and hence Christianity, did? Of course not! Europeans were preaching Jesus yet robbing Africa blind, fattening her coffers and growing in economic strength! We still have ornaments in Europe that belong to Africa. But hey, they gave us Jesus, didn’t they? Let us not forget that the slave masters and traders were using and abusing their slaves because somehow, the Bible okays having slaves (Colossians 4:1, Ephesians 6:9). Fast-forward to today and we have ‘Christians’ who think it is okay to be racist and rid the world of ‘minority races’. So when you want to jump down the throats of Muslims for being violent, take a deep breath and assess the violence Christians have perpetrated through history and in some regions, are still perpetrating. Not to condone violence or anything but non-Muslims shouldn’t be too quick to rant about having a peaceful religion when that religion murdered and pillaged people and towns to get to where it is today. Human beings are innately violent, and religion is just our excuse to be evil. Muslim Man Praying.Image: Defender Network One other major problem of religion is the issue of choice; or the lack there off. In most cases, people are not allowed to choose their own paths. They are either born into families that believe in one faith or in communities that are predominantly another. Many grow up just following the choices their parents have made. Maybe that is why many young people are not bothered with religion. Oh! They put on a show and what not but deep down, many do not care. Those who choose to follow their own paths, especially if it isn’t in tandem with what their parents or communities approve of, are often considered outcasts. If they are unlucky, they are threatened, brow beaten or even killed! The fear of death or being cut off by loved ones keeps more people in their religions than any other thing. The older generation needs to ask themselves these questions: Are younger people interested in organized religion? If there wasn’t the threat of excommunication and death, would young people believe in what their parents and communities believed in? Do young people understand what their religion is about? Do they want to understand? If religion doesn’t preach blessings for obedience, pain for disobedience and a fitting afterlife for all our actions, will people even give religion a second thought? These are questions that religious proponents need to be asking. This part is specifically to Christians. It is about time you get your head around the polity of the nation. While you are
The Middle East Is Not Our Concern
Israel Versus PalentineImage: Lobe Log The long-standing feud between Israel and Palestine has been raising feathers in some Nigerian quarters. This fight has been going on for years and years on end; Israel takes Palestinian lands, Palestine attacks Israel, Israel carries out reprisal attacks, vice versa…and the circle of violence continues! Anyone who has been following the news knows that these two nations are bitter enemies; something that probably dates back to their shared history and possibly, ancestry. So it was no surprise that when three Israeli teenagers were killed by Palestinian forces, Israel sprang into action and retaliated (and are still retaliating). What is worrisome is not the fact that as usual, most of the Arab nations are calling out Israel for their brutal force. No… that is not it! What is surprising is that some Nigerians have joined in on the fight. My worry is, why wasn’t any alarm raised when Palestine held those boys captive? Why was there no collective demand that the boys be returned home? Were those boys less human because they were Israelis? This is a reminder of what is happening in Nigeria. When churches were burnt and Christians killed by the dreaded militant sect in the north, many Muslim clerics did not openly condemn the act. The moment Muslims started dying, there was a shift in the atmosphere in the country. Clerics couldn’t wait to get on radio, TVs, blogs, newspapers and social media to decry the death of ‘Nigerians’. Like their counterparts, many Christian leaders didn’t openly condemn the killings of Muslims. The question then is: are Nigerian lives only important when they share your faith? Or culture? Or tribe? Why am I even bothered about this? Simple! Any fight where Israel is seen as the aggressor always translates to a fight against Muslims in general, and when Israel is perceived to be the victim, Christians quickly jump to their defense. This is why a fight happening all the way in the Middle East is affecting us here in Nigeria. It is especially funny because both these nations do not give a hoot about us or our existence. Rather than getting agitated over what is happening all the way in Israel and Palestine, why don’t we get worried about our own country’s woes?! Why don’t we worry about the fact that many of our communities are riddled with conflicts that has such high cost in human lives and properties? First Respondents at the site of the Nyanya Bomb Blast in Abuja.Date: April 14, 2014.Image: The Trent Online Newspaper For what it is worth, Nigeria is at war! That cannot be overemphasized! Bombs are going off from Maiduguri to Osun, making stop overs at Adamawa, Yobe, Bauchi, Gombe (reportedly), Kaduna, Kano and Abuja. Most people wonder what will happen to them in that busy marketplace, that crowded motor park, that congested traffic or that busy shopping mall. People from Maiduguri go out ready to die! They make peace with their family members, loved ones and friends and most especially with God. They know that a bomb can rip them apart as they step out. They don’t even bother to make long term plans. Is that a way to live?! As if that is not enough, our military keeps telling us they have defeated the sect when all we see is an escalation of the insurgency. We have 219 girls1 waiting to be rescued from the hands of their abductors! What is the fate of these girls? Are they treated well? Have some of them being abused, or killed? Why aren’t we more worried about this? But here we are…waiting on a security that shouldn’t let Stockholm Syndrome set in; though it probably set in at day 21. We should be worried that our security forces are going on rampages, burning BRT buses in Lagos, attacking their General Commanding Officers and telling the nation they have locations of the kidnapped girls when they obviously don’t! And everyone who says the Boko Haram insurgency is a northern issue must have been shocked when a bomb went off in Osun or at the ones that didn’t go off in Enugu because they were caught just in time. Even if that is in no way related to Boko Haram, what about the insurgency seen via kidnappings and ritual killings? Wouldn’t that be considered insurgency too? One thing makes Edo, Port Harcourt, Warri, Cross Rivers and now Kogi similar; kidnappings. Prominent citizens as well as the everyday Joe suffer at the hand of kidnapping kingpins and ritualists. Oh! It is not secluded to these places; we have Lagos, Oyo and most recently, Kwara. You hear of human parts been found in ritualists dens all over the country. If the north has her issues, the south, east, west and south-south also does! Did I mention the cult clashes? The farmers and herders’ conflicts that seem to only get bigger by the day? The prevalence of bandits and all-round increasing crime rates? And before we forget, most polytechnics and colleges of education have been on strike for over one year. Millions of citizens of the country sitting at home because the state says they must pass through an education to have a job. The number of young people becoming redundant in the society is alarming and should worry us. They cannot go to school and they cannot get jobs. Oh! The drama! And the one that takes it home; corruption! Our elected and appointed leaders are busy milking the country dry while wringing the necks of the poor man. We have serving ministers disbursing public fund for personal use, acquiring luxury that shows how easy it is to spend money ‘earned’ illicitly. All this while the poor man grows in his resentment of the status quo and the greener grass on the other side that mocks his poverty. The cross carpeting of politicians from parties they hailed as the holy grail to parties they rained all manner of libel against is not something that can be easily forgotten! Who in the hell would have thought that Femi Fani Kayode would be singing the government’s tune? Who would have thought the new Emir of Kano would withdraw his suit against the Federal Government
Disgusting Work Ethics
One of the first things most companies draft before they register themselves is usually an organizational structure. It doesn’t matter whether the company is a conglomerate or non-profit. This structure is explained to new staff as they take up their mantle of responsibility in the company. But like most ideals, there is always that company that defies laid out principles of business ethics. And if we are talking about Nigeria, we know that very many companies fall into this category. They never bother with any organizational structure; and where they do, it is usually not fully articulated to staff. If you are quick to disagree, then explain this: why else would security guards at their post interact with staff and visitors with great disrespect? Shocked? Don’t be! A certain lady told me she went to her office one day, only to be stopped at the gate by the security personnel. They asked her for her ID card. She told them she hadn’t one because she had lost hers and was awaiting the issuance of a new one. The security man, in the most disrespectful manner he could, told her to stand outside the premises as her case was a ‘special case’. She flew into a rage and asked if he would do her job for her that day. He looked at her blatantly and told her he didn’t want ‘too much talk’ and continued what he was originally doing. When she said she was going home, he said ‘better’ and continued what he was doing…which was gisting with his other colleagues! Now…that was a security officer! Some might be quick to say that he was just doing his job, but the first image of a company is from the security post! If the security man is callous and rude, you know that you can’t trust the company to be courteous. The lady in question said that she had worked for that company for almost two years, and as such, that treatment was totally unwarranted. If the company had trained their operatives well, the security guard could have said, ‘I’m sorry ma’am. I don’t know if you heard about the new policy regarding ID cards. As a result, we cannot let you in without one. Is there anyone you can call to help clear this inconvenience?’ That courteous statement alone would have meant that they did their jobs and still maintained decorum. But treating that lady as such was horrible. Same security personnel treated a customer with such disrespect that he took his business away. The customer made sure he contacted the bosses to let them know he was taking his business to the competition because of the attitude of the security guards. Long story short, no one was fired. In another company, it was reported that the company canteen was run by ladies who were very disrespectful. When staff members went in for meals, they would not so much as say ‘hi’ or ‘welcome’. They would stare at the staff with unfazed disgust and disdain. One began to wonder if the meals were free and the staff a bunch of homeless people lining up in front of a soup kitchen. One member of staff went at it with them, demanding respect and quality service. She reminded the ladies that she was paying for the food, not begging for it. When one person spoke up, the entire crew started complaining in agreement. It had to take collective criticism for them to get it into their heads that one cannot serve meals with dour facial expressions and a rotten mood. That mini revolution got the girls in check, though they started serving meals, especially to the men, like strippers looking for ones. Still speaking of food, a friend told me that a couple of his colleagues got into a physical fight in the office because one of them took food meant for the other. It was so bad that they had to be pried off each other before the fight ended. By this time, they had upending tables, destroyed property and even lost some blood. The manager was appalled but let them off the hook with a gentle pat on the wrist. How does a company allow fighters remain in its employ? Like how does this even work? Well, turns out the manager was a cheapskate who couldn’t afford to lose his grossly underpaid staff. I heard that in a certain company, the Muslim sisters perform their religious ablutions in the convenience sinks, raising their legs to the height of the sink to get their feet clean. I heard also (couldn’t help but be an aproko) that this method of ablution over time, put so much pressure on the sinks that one of it fell and broke! The toilet had to be locked to prevent further usage. All members of staff had to suffer for the acts of some! This is not isolated. I know that there are certain women in every company who carelessly dispose their pads, use the toilets without flushing, let the tap run and generally leave the toilet a less appealing sight than they met it. It is shameful that grown women (and men too) do nasty things little children wouldn’t. If that isn’t enough, you know of those companies that probably have two or three computers in each office and about ten staff members to those offices? Where everyone has to ‘book’ to use the computer? Yeah. So anyway, someone said he needed to use the computer in the office. This was at about 2pm. He said he needed to prepare documents for a presentation the next day. He kept telling one of his colleagues to let him use it so he could work. The colleague kept saying he would be done in a jiffy. This guy then proceeded to start writing his ideas down, so when the computer was free, he’d just type what he needed. He was so engrossed in his work, that he
The Proposal
Image: Xinature The sun kissed the waters in warm, flirty tones. The churning sea returned the kiss with as much fervor, reflecting the purple-burgundy complexion of her lover. The sun was withdrawing its warmth from the corners of the earth as she prepared to take a snooze. The wind, in defiance of the sun, picked up her dance, ruffling the trees clothing the bank of the seas. It wasn’t a surprise when the wind playfully lifted her skirts. She twirled and twirled, laughing, basking in the slowly-cooling dance of the wind and the ebbing heat of the sun. She was happy! It was her first time at the beach. Somehow, she got convinced to take a break from her usually hectic life. She felt so glad that she had come. Only one man could have made her do so. She stopped twirling, turned to him…and smiled. He walked languidly, until he was abreast with her, the squish-squish of the wet sand the only evidence he wasn’t gliding towards her. His smile said it all. He was happy too! And better still, he was happy that he made her happy. Like a child, she squealed in delight and jumped into his arms. He twirled her until she became dizzy. They both fell to the sand in ecstatic laughter. All was right with the world! Roy and Melanie were perfect for each other. They got up and started walking the wave-kissed bank, arm in arm, two love birds enjoying the last of the sun’s glory and the company of each other. Roy stopped Mel. She looked up at his tall, handsome physique, and still managed to blush while smiling. Roy’s face was set in stone. Something was wrong. He stared at Mel with such intensity that she began to fidget. ‘What is wrong baby?’ Roy stared at her for a few more seconds. He then dropped on one knee, taking her left hand. Mel gasped. She tried to pull away from him. He held her hand firmly. ‘Mel…’ he stared at her, his expression like someone who swallowed a wasp. He looked so uncomfortable that Mel wanted to run the other way. He put his hand in the back pocket of his loose slacks. Mel was fidgeted. ‘Roy…don-‘ He put his finger on her lips. ‘Shhhh! don’t speak baby.’ Mel kept quiet. She couldn’t speak if she wanted to. Blood rushed to her head. Roy turned his face away, like he was a king in a drama. Mel wondered if he was acting or really feeling all the emotions his face was showing. He pulled out something and with the toothiest grin ever, and opened his palm. In his hands was a Toblerone chocolate; dark Toblerone. ‘Why on earth don’t you like dark chocolate?’ he asked. Mel nearly died…of relief! She breathed out a huge ‘phewww!’ The blood rushed back to her face and her skin began to look more alive than before. She playfully jabbed him and pulled him up. She ended up hugging him. ‘I almost thought that was a proposal…whewwww! I just did-‘ She paused when she noticed that Roy was more interested in unwrapping the Toblerone than he was in listening to her. He had become all serious again and this time, Mel knew she was in trouble. Roy opened the chocolate and there in the shiny paper lay the most beautiful sapphire ring ever! ‘I love you baby…and I feel like I’ve been in heaven since we started dating. Well, not always heaven, but it is as close as it can get. I want to have this piece of heaven for all eternity. Will you, Melanie Davidson Olaolu, be my wife?’ This time, Mel pulled away from his arm. She took a couple of steps back from him. She had lost all color and happiness, becoming a picture in sadness. Roy could feel her soul disconnecting from him. It wasn’t just a physical pull-out. She began to wring out her fingers, a clear sign that her nervousness was beyond her control. ‘Mel…’ She pulled further away, such that she was no longer fully facing him. ‘Say something…’ Mel looked at him and he saw his answer in her face, her demeanor, and her sad eyes. She didn’t need to say it, but Roy needed to hear it. He needed to know that what he saw was really true. ‘Bae….I’m sorry.’ Roy crumbled, though he remained kneeling, whether by sheer will, or because his brain couldn’t move past the icebox that had suddenly frozen his heart. ‘I am not ready to get married any time soon. I want to wait for at least…’ she looked at his face, his stony expression and she shut up. He got up and stood looking at her. ‘We have been dating for four years. When is the right time to get married? Huh?’ The increase in the pitch of Roy’s voice wasn’t lost on Mel. He was definitely angry! ‘I just…phewww…marriage takes a lot out of a person. It sucks a person until they totally lose themselves in their spouses. With the rate of divorces in the world today, this is not an institution I want to rush into and just jump out when it gets hard; and it will get hard! So…I don’t want to lose myself before I’ve found me.’ She reached out to touch Roy but he shrugged her off. ‘Since you are all about finding yourself and not losing you, I hope it all works out fine because you just lost me.’ He said with certain finality. ‘Goodbye Melanie. Enjoy your great life. And… when you find you, tell her I said she is a coward who is too afraid to get out of her comfort zone and trust a person. You know what? Scratch that! Maybe I just dodged a bullet! Goodbye!’ With that, he stomped off in the direction of his car. The squish of the sand couldn’t remove the determined anger that every step signified. It didn’t matter that that was also Mel’s ride.
Sparing The Koboko
Angry Black Girl. Credit: Discover the Space So…have you taken time out to notice the behaviors of kids today? Do you see that the methods with which kids are raised now is far far different from how we were raised? And does the blatant disrespect from kids give you the chills as it does me? I’m at that point where I wish we can go back in time, if for nothing else but the discipline which our parents instilled in us. The other day, I noticed a trend in a neighbor’s kid. This baby girl should be about 5 years old. She has not learnt to greet older people as is the custom of most African homes. She would actually stare at an older person until her mother tells her to greet. Even with the prodding from her mother, she would stare at the person and blatantly refuse to greet. What is worse is that she stares at much older people in the eye, leaving a sinister feeling crawling down the spine of the person. What baffled me was when I noticed that as early as 6am (when I’m rushing out to work), this little girl gets up and goes out of the compound, walks the length of the street and finally chooses a house to go to. What in God’s name is a 5-year old doing traipsing the streets at 6am?! What are her parents doing when she is ‘making the rounds’? And in this North-Eastern region where girls are easy targets, why are the parents not worried about a baby girl walking up and down town when no one can watch over and protect her? It is so annoying even that when you try to correct this girl, she puts on this quelling look that seems to say, ‘What you gone do about it? Huh?’ The nerve! It gets worse. I was returning home one night, when this kid saw me. He raised his torchlight (as it was quite dark) and flashed it directly in my face. Now, I deliberately assumed he made a mistake, so I didn’t have to take off my shoes and beat the black off his skin. In my assumption, I hoped he would apologize, lower his flashlight, and show some iota of courteous behavior by probably greeting me and/or asking for my handbag. I was too busy making these assumptions to actually think it might not go that way. When it dawned on me that he wouldn’t do so was when the light remained in my face for more minutes than was respectfully necessary. I stopped in the middle of the street and gave him the look. Only then did he drop the flash light, make a detour around me, and continued on his way to wherever he was heading. Now, this boy shouldn’t be more than 13 years. He started acting this way when I cautioned him on the use of curse words. He said something in Hausa while I was passing and I gave him a serious dressing down. Does it feel like curse words in our local languages are dirtier than in English language? Anyway, that is a topic for another day. From that day, I guess his hormones kicked in and he started acting up. I was tempted to hold him down and get some sense into his skull but I am pretty scared of the reciprocal treatment I will get from the police. So….I ignored it, shook my head, squared my shoulders and walked on to my house. Angry Black Boy. Image: GodZone I wouldn’t have bothered about writing this piece if another incident hadn’t occurred. Called a girlfriend and asked that we go to the beauty shop. She got dressed and we headed to our regular stylist. When we got there, the shop was full, but only one person stood out for me. She was a pretty little girl. She had such a striking resemblance to our stylist that we couldn’t help but ask if she was her daughter. Now you see, as long as we had been going there, we knew she was married and had kids, but we had never met any of them. When she told us that was her daughter, we gushed a bit over her. I should have kept my gushing to myself! The about-seven-year old gave us this aloof look and went to sit in the corner. Hurt a bit, I asked what her problem was and before her mum could respond, the little girl said she didn’t talk to strangers. I looked at my friend, and we shrugged. Secretly, I was proud that her mum was raising her with good principles, but I was worried that she was bold enough to tell us that to our faces. As we got our beauty on, the stylist kept regaling us with stories that had us laughing and generally having fun. Somewhere in that line of fun conversation, the mother started talking about a seasonal Pilipino telenovella she had watched. While that was my cue to shut up, little miss I-don’t-talk-to-strangers piped up and got into the conversation. She started talking of the telenovellas that were more interesting. Now, the silence from all the customers was probably because we would never have interrupted in a conversation our mothers were having. The silence was awkward for a while until the mother broke it by asking her daughter about the one they had watched the night before. My friend and I shared another look and we saw the other ladies also sharing a look. The little girl went on and on and after a while, we seemed to adjust to the fact that the girl had been taught that she could join in on adult conversation. What jolted us back to reality was when one of the customers urged the little girl to stop combing her hair too frequently. Her mum teased her about not even having the hair to comb and she flew
Sex… And How Our Parents Lied To Us
Black Couple at the beach. Image: Pinterest Do you remember that conversation you had with your parents about sex? It was probably on that day when you had your very first menstruation. Or maybe, that day when your neighbor’s daughter came home pregnant and the entire street got a free show. Either way, something must have triggered the talk. Now, it didn’t matter if you were as close to your parents as peas in a pod or had a run-away-to-my-room-as-soon-as-daddy-shows-up attitude. What mattered was that, if you had a conversation about sex with your parents, it most definitely must have been AWKWARD! Thing is, as awkward as it must have been for you, it must have been ten times worse for your parents (okay…a little exaggeration. Maybe, two times more). Imagine the horror they must have felt trying to explain sex to you; a child they brought into the world. Multiply that horror by two if you were a very inquisitive child. If it wasn’t so serious, it could actually be very funny. In retrospect, you knew you couldn’t dare laugh. What was worse, parents knew that too. They also knew they could not laugh either. With that much pressure, it is no wonder that they sometimes resort to flat out lies in order to keep us in check. Done out of love as they would say, these lies have shaped how we view sex today. Here is a list of some of the lies our parents told us about sex. Lie #1: Your virginity is your most valuable asset and the best gift you can give a man. Image: Discover ideas about African American Tattoos Some might be nodding their heads in remembrance of this one. Is this statement even sensible? How can virginity be ranked as a woman’s most precious asset?! What happened to her brain? What happened to the influence with which she was created with? When you take a look at this statement, you see the hand of some very misogynistic group of people who do not think that there is more to a woman than her ‘honey pot’. These ideas formed the core of society’s norms and were further translated to kids from their parents. So, the question that begs to be asked is: when the virginity goes, does her value go with it too? Is her virginity supposed to help her husband be the man he ought to be? Is her virginity going to help her manage a home, and if she works, still keep a balance between home and career and all other things she does? How come the one thing that is taken in a jiffy is deemed the most important asset she could bring to the table? What is worse, there are men who have married virgins and who are totally disgusted with their character flaws, personal hygiene or general persona. He will not care if she was a virgin if she falls short in other areas that are necessary for the partnership. It then goes to show that the hymen CANNOT possibly the most valuable thing that you can give a man. Lie #2: If you do not have sex before your wedding night, your husband will love and value you more. You all know that couple who start the day with a brawl, a loud shout or the sound of the wife used as a punching bag. The presence or absence of the hymen doesn’t make a wife beater hang his gloves, nor does it make an emotionally empty man show love and affection to his wife. There are men who have married virgins yet have gone on to disrespect them in public. Some have gone as far as withdrawing their affection and cheating on them, even to the tune of dating their very best friends, and in some cases, their sisters. Virginity is no guarantee that a man will treat a woman right when she becomes his wife. Also, the fact that your husband was your first doesn’t mean he will be so enamored of your vagina that he won’t stray to some other woman. If you are in doubt, go ask all the virgins-before-marriage who are dealing with straying husbands. Lie #3: If you have sex before marriage, your husband will lose his savor for you. Truth is, whether you have sex before or after marriage, your husband will eventually lose his savor for you…as you will lose yours for him. Keeping desire afire in a marriage is a full time responsibility required by both husband and wife. That is why you might start your marriage hitting it five times a day and then slow down to once a day, once a week, once in three months and in some instances, never at all. It is a natural phenomenon. Laws of diminishing return always sets in and sex is no exception. Your precious ‘virginity gift’ wouldn’t make your husband bury himself in you for the rest of his life. He will get up; even it is just to pee. Lie #4: Sex is disgusting. Image: Discover ideas about Black Couple Art This line is usually towed by religious fanatics. They hammer on how disgusting the sexual act is, going as far as saying it is sin, even in the confines of marriage. There are stories of people who get up from having sex with their spouse to bent-knees in prayer to ‘cleanse themselves’. You begin to wonder how they can take that stand when God created coitus, not just for procreation but for communion and fun. Well…if that is your belief anyway. There is absolutely nothing disgusting about sex. Lie #5: A woman who wants to know about sex is a ‘whore’. Many women get engaged to men and the issue of sex never comes up. When they eventually get married, they suffer through their husbands sexual overtures without saying anything. Many of these women don’t even know that sex can (and should) be pleasurable for them. They lie
Wedding Fever
Image: Fashion of Philly The constant chirping of the phone wakes her up. She tries to get her befuddled mind to block the annoying sound. She reaches for her phone with slow, sleep-dazed movements until she finally finds it. ‘Why wouldn’t it just shut up?’ She thinks to herself. ‘Maybe if I just ignore them, they will go away’. She tucks the phone beneath her pillow to muffle the sound. Silence! Now she can return to her blissful sleep! Just as she snuggles into her very comfortable bed and begins to feel the tentative grip of sleep… ‘Chirrrrrpppppppppp…’ She flails her arms in exasperation and flings her pillow to the far end of the room. ‘WHAT?!’ She shouts as soon as she picks up the phone, looking at her glow-in-the-dark wall clock and realizing that it was three’ O clock.‘Ore mi! Wake up jare! I’ve got the most exciting news!’ Gbemi. She sighs. Gbemi is an overly dramatic lady and it is no wonder that she is calling Mara at 3am. Mara: ‘You do realize it is the middle of the effing night right, yeah?’ Any other person would have quietly dropped the phone and called back. But no…not Gbemi! Gbemi was never phased by Mara.Gbemi: ‘See you! Lazy bones! Wake up and listen jare…’If any one is a lazy bone, it is Queen Gbemisola Aransiola herself! She has never worked a day in her life. Don’t be lolled into thinking she is a spoiled daughter of a wealthy family. Far from it! In fact, Gbemi is from a poor home; well…not piss poor but definitely not middle class comfortable either. Some days, they can afford to eat a little piece of meat and some other days, Garri and Kuli-Kuli (without sugar, milk or even cold water). Mara, lost in thought, doesn’t hear what Gbemi says.Gbemi: ‘…to me and I screamed!’ ‘Gbemi…Sleep still dey my head. Wetin you dey talk?’ Mara asked while muffling a yawn. Gbemi: ‘Mtcheeewwww! Stop forming sleep jare and listen! I said Jafar came over yesterday…’She goes on and on, not realizing that Mara is drifting in and out of sleep. But Mara jolts out of her sleep at one word. ‘…proposed to me! I couldn’t breathe! OMG!…’So that was it! Gbemi was engaged! No surprise there since that had always been her life long dream.Like many girls, Gbemi looked forward to her wedding day. She planned carefully how she’d look, what kind of dress she’d wear, her shoes and accessories and even the reception venue.Like a good number of girls too, every time she went for a wedding, or glanced at a wedding magazine or even watched any of the big society weddings, she always changed her own wedding plans. She lived for that day when she would say the golden words: I DO. Gbemi is a school dropout. She had come to the conclusion that educating a woman was pointless since she would end up as a wife, a mother, a lover, cook, cleaner and home maker. After dropping out, she proceeded to make herself as attractive as was humanly possible so she could catch the ‘highest bidder’ and live the fab life.It was no surprise then that Jafar, son of the wealthy Abdullahi Wasa found her irresistible at a party he attended. What was a surprise was that he remained enamored of her when he discovered her family earned as much as one of his cleaners. Jafar refused to let her go and somehow got his parents to accept her as his girlfriend.Gbemi’s friends, including Mara, thought that he just wanted her for fun. So Mara’s reaction was not from jealousy but shock. Mara: ‘Did you say Jafar proposed to you?’ Gbemi: ‘Duh! Are you suddenly deaf?! He not only proposed, he wants us to be married in three months!’ Mara shot out of her bed. ‘THREE MONTHS?! Are you pregnant or something?!’ Gbemi: ‘Abegi! No jare! I’m not. He just can’t wait to have me all to himself. I’m getting married baby!’When the conversation was over, Mara couldn’t go back to sleep. Gbemi is her best friend and though Mara had begged her to stay in school, she blatantly refused. Gbemi believed that a man was supposed to provide all a woman needs while she takes care of the home front. Mara tried to tell her that she needs to make herself relevant as marriage isn’t the essence of existence. All her pleas fell on deaf ears; Gbemi was bent on getting married to a rich dude who would take care of her for life.When Mara started to sleep off, she realized that Gbemi didn’t know what she was getting into. As she finally fell into that world of unconsciousness, her alarm clock buzzed. She had to get up and prepare for work. She shouted like a banshee, expressed her frustration at her innocent pillow and finally got up. Over the coming weeks, Gbemi became a thorn in Mara’s side. She would call at all hours to talk wedding plans. Her every conversation was laced with her upcoming wedding. What was worse was that she could turn ANY conversation into something about her wedding.For instance, last month when they were in the market buying things for dinner, a truck sped and caused many Okada riders to swerve off its path. This caused a minor accident. When Mara complained about the truck driver speeding in a crowded market, Gbemi replied by saying, ‘My wedding convoy will proceed so slowly, people will think a queen is making a procession’. If Mara could have removed her eyes to roll them, she sure would have done so.When they watched Transformers, Gbemi said, ‘On my wedding day, my transformation will be so epic, people might not know it is same old me oh’.What was worse was that two weeks to her wedding, her mum told her that one of their distant uncles had died and she replied, ‘Eyah…he is going to miss my wedding oh!’Gbemi was so obsessed with her wedding plans that she wasn’t even planning for the marriage itself. She was not asking major questions about what was expected of
The North Is Not Hausa
Image: Home Town Nigeria is at a very bad place now, with hatred sown deep into the very core of society. No one can tell just how long that hatred has been going on, but one thing most are sure of is that, any attempt at forcibly removing it will further widen the gaping wound which is Nigeria today; and probably destroy the last vestiges which we are holding on to. This hatred is beyond religious: in fact, religious issues are not as deeply seated as those related to ethnicity and tribalism. The Northern part of the country seems to bear the brunt of this hatred, with the Southern, Eastern and Western parts showing their distaste of the ‘Hausa-North’. Is this too broad (and maybe too bold) a statement? Well…it gets worse.When I was in the university, just a few months before graduation, my sister came to me and asked that I hang out with her and some friends. They were both from one of the South-Southern states of Nigeria; though one of them had lived in Kaduna State until he gained admission to the university. The other was visiting the North for the very first time.We primped and went out to hang out with the guys. While talking, I noticed that the new guy was staring at my sister and I in a very unsettling manner. After enduring the Xray-like stare for a while, I shot him a glare. He became unnerved and apologized. He said he had always had the view that the North was a wild land, inhabited by uneducated cattle shepherds who had an unusual thirst for power. He said he had actually told his friend that he hoped he was not bringing Hausa ‘fura da nono’ sellers to come hang with them. Even in that assessment, you can’t help but see how wrong he was about his knowledge of the Hausa tribe. We laughed about it and in the end, he said, ‘I have changed my views about the Hausa man and the North’. When I asked if he had met any Hausa man, he snorted and said, ‘You, now!’ (For crying out loud, I’m a mix of Idoma and Ebira. But let me continue.)A little while back, a friend told me of his experience with some people when he went to serve in the Eastern part of the country. They were welcoming until they found out he was from Borno State. Easy camaraderie turned into glacier coldness. They watched him with suspicion and accused him of being among the Hausas who had killed their fellow Igbo brothers. At one point, he was scared for his life. He actually thought they were going to kill him. This only changed when they saw him in church one day. After the service, they accosted him. When they ascertained that he wasn’t a member of Boko Haram sent to bomb their church, they asked him how a Hausa man could be a Christian. He explained to them that he wasn’t Hausa. One of them quipped, ‘Are you not from Borno?’. At his affirmation, they asked again, ‘Is Borno not in the North?’ Nodding his head, they said, ‘Then you are Hausa jare!’. Despite his explanations, they still wouldn’t believe that the North wasn’t solely a Hausa region. My friend had to resign to their strongly held ideas, even accepting the nickname, ‘Hausa boy’. He just couldn’t get it into their heads that Hausa is not even an indigent tribe in Borno State. Kanuri yes, but definitely not Hausa! A friend on Facebook also told me of his brother who had gone to one of the Western States for an interview. Having scored the job, he set about looking for a house. He asked a security man to help him get a place. When the security guy was free, he took my friend around and they met many landlords. One would expect that he would easily get a house. But he was rejected by all of them! As soon as they realized he was from the North, they clammed up and refused to give him their houses for rent. One landlord went as far as saying that he didn’t want a Hausa man in his house and that he sure didn’t want a “Boko haram” in his house. This man had to resort to living with the only nice person he had met in that town; the security man. His money was not good enough to get him a place as long as he was perceived as Hausa. The worst part is that there are only five states in the North that are predominantly Hausa. They are Sokoto, Zamfara, Kano, Katsina and Jigawa. That is to say that of the nineteen Northern States, there are only five States with Hausa people making up the majority indigenous population. Why then are we all regarded as Hausa people? Adamawa State has about 58 indigenous languages, Kaduna has about 57 and Benue has close to 14. I can talk about these States because I have some attachment and affiliation to them. Add that to the Hausa States and that is just eight out of nineteen. What about the other States? Are their individual tribes not recognized? Must we all be swept in the same boat? Now, I have no problems with the Hausa people. They are very nice people. I’ve lived with many of them and I understand them to a certain point. My worry is that people, especially those from other regions of the country, feel that the North is made up of just Hausa people. What is worse, they attach illiteracy and underdevelopment to the Hausa people, and in essence, the North. Clearly the North cannot claim to possess the same exposure or average level of education with Lagos, but we are not a cluster of huts or open spaces as other regions think. When I was in camp for the mandatory orientation exercise of the National Youth Service Corps (NYSC), we had
The Unfairness Of Marriage
Culled from: MADAMNOIRE A time comes when women begin to feel the flutters of loneliness, where the desire to have a person they can call their own sets in. Marriage ideas begin to grow, and she starts to screen possible suitors according to her preformed ideology of what marriage entails. Soon enough, she settles on one man who satisfies at least 70% of her desires, if not all of it. That seems all good and diddly until the day after the wedding. Things change so drastically after she says ‘I do’ that she wonders whether she is on a roller-coaster ride. She wakes up to the reality that marriage may not be the fairy tale she had envisioned it to be. First of all, she loses her identity. She is no longer called ‘Martha’, ‘Janelle’, ‘Iniobong’ or ‘Safiya’, but ‘Mrs. (insert husband’s name)’. No one cares anymore that she was a person in her own right before she joined herself to her man. Many people conveniently forget her name because she is (huffs) now married. In the typical Nigerian context, she might be called Amariya, Iyawo, Nwunyem or our wife. Secondly, society expects her to stop dressing beautifully because she now no longer has any reason to. Society thinks she was dressing in an attractive manner to catch a man and having done so, should stop being attractive. No one cares that she probably dressed well because she wants to or loves to. On the other hand, no one expects the man to stop rocking his jeans and polo shirts. No one expects the man to look shabby on purpose. They expect him to always look dapper or the wife gets blamed; one of her many chores it seems. But the woman has to start wearing big(ger) clothes, wrappers and Abayas. If she is found wearing sexy clothes, or even normal clothes (such as jeans and a simple top or tee), she will not be able to live down the side-eye she is sure to get from other women…and men too. Also, if push comes to shove, the woman is expected to give up her career and job to play house and raise the kids (if there are any). This comes from the notion that husbands and children are the essence of the woman’s life. No one cares that raising kids is a two-parent affair; at least. A woman might have to give up on her life for her kids, because society dictates that kids are the center of her life. Does that, in essence, mean the kids are of no importance to the man or not as important to him as they are to the woman? When a woman considers marriage, let her realize that religion (if she practices any) places a huge role on women. In Christianity, it is expected that the woman submits to her husband (Ephesians 5:22-24) as the church would submit to God himself. The flip side is that, a man has to love the woman as Christ himself loved the church; willing to put up life to restore the world. Marriage in Islam is viewed as an important and sacred union between a man and woman that fulfills half of one’s religious obligations. Let women also consider that in Africa, the dictates of society on married women is condescending, patriarchal and in some cases, absolutely misogynistic. The unfairness of marriage is such that until you are willing submit to that man whom you profess to love, you are not expected to be talking about marriage. Submission of this sort, if not properly considered and digested, can lead to bitterness and immeasurable sorrow. If however, you are of the opinion that marriage is a partnership – as it should be – you would still need to contend with family members who refuse to accept your postulations. Men can get away with being opinionated about the things they want; women, not so much. We are changing the narrative, but it really is at a sloth’s pace. So really consider if you want to get married. Can you handle the pressure? Can you hold your own? Does your partner know who you are…and supports it? Because if you are marrying for the feelings of it, you may be headed for a place of such utter sorrow. Think about it…and prepare for that marriage if you choose to walk down that road.
