Dear Parents, Here Is Some Much Needed Advice
Image: Parent Pump Radio Dear parents, First, congratulations on having that child or those children. It must have been nerve-wracking going through the process of carrying and birthing your children. It should even be scarier trying to raise those kids to be stellar individuals who you can be proud of. Well done indeed. Having said that, there are some things you need to learn if you are to be a wonderful parent. This has nothing to do with changing diapers or effectively calculating sleeping and eating pattern. No; let the books educate you on those. This has to do with developing your children’s personalities and temperament. 1. You are your children’s FIRST ROLE MODELS; While this is self-explanatory, it begs to be explained. You need to show your children how to be responsible by doing your share of house chores and contributing your share of the finances. Let them know that whether they are boys or girls, they each have duties and responsibilities to the family. If you do not, your boys will learn to expect women to take care of them and your daughters would think their lives should revolve around taking care of their men. Do not hit your spouse or be violent in any way to them. Of course there are days when you will quarrel and have heated arguments but as much as you can, do this away from the children. Let them learn to respect each other because you respect each other and yourselves. Don’t go about fighting each other in public when you can sort out your issues privately. Don’t go teaching your children that it is okay to be deliberately taunting and nagging and rude. It is not a good look for anyone. Get a job, or a business or an advocacy organization and spend your time on more meaningful things than house chores while watching Telemundo, ZeeWorld or Super Sports. Teach your girls to aspire for more than being a kept woman who depends on her husband for every single thingshe needs. That is no way to live and that is no way to raise your daughters. It is also no way to raise your sons who might grow up to expect women to depend on them for all they need. Teach your children that marriage is a partnership, with each partner contributing time, energy, and financesto the process. 2. You are the first to BUILD YOUR CHILDREN’S SELF-ESTEEM AND WORTH; Many parents are okay telling their children that they are ‘stupid’, ‘foolish’, ‘a dunce’ or even more derogatory terms. This is wrong! No child is stupid. They may do stupid things but that doesn’t make them stupid. Understand that each child is different and learns at their own pace. Don’t force your children to all excel at mathematics when one may love French more. Find out what each child is capable of and reaffirm their self-worth by making them better at it. Also, you need to let your children learn to do things by themselves. You should allow them try to solve problem without needing you there. These problems could be algebra or bullying. What you should do is tell them that you trust their abilities and their decision and help them understand that sometimes, it is okay to be wrong. There are parents who tell their kids that they are ugly or too black or have long or wide mouths or slit eyes or are too fat and stuff like that. Well…don’t! These seemingly simple utterances go a long way in cementing your child’s self-worth. As they grow up, these words will make them feel insecure in a society that thrives on insecurity. And when your kids are insecure, they become susceptible to all sorts of vices to make them feel better about themselves. 3. Your child should NOT HAVE TO EARN YOUR LOVE; It is a known fact that parents do not love their children equally and have favorites but never show your children that! Love each of your children as equally as you can and better than that, your children should not have to earn your love. It is unnatural for children to do things to make you love them. Loving them should come as naturally as breathing. This means that you shouldn’t threaten to withdraw your love when they do wrong and even worse, tell them as some parents do, that they wish the kids were never born. How is a child to feel loved when these are done? How is a child to thrive? And yes, some children can be very trying but that is no excuse to make them work at getting your love. You should be able to understand the dynamic nature of each child and use that dynamism to make your relationship with them better. 4. Your child should respect (NOT FEAR) you; Most African parents thrive on instilling fear into their children. Their children are not allowed to have opinions of their own and must cower when these parents talk. Well guess what? They are your children, not your slaves or puppets! When children fear their parents, they hide things from them and in some instances, hate them. Such children cannot wait to leave their homes and when they do, they almost always never return. They will also keep communication at the barest minimum because no one likes to constantly have to face their fears. Respect is very different from fear. It is respect that will make a child do what you ask. And this respect has to be mutual! That you brought that child into the world is no reason to be disrespectful to them. You must treat them like fully functional human beings who have a right to their own thoughts, opinions and ideologies. The plus side to this is, if you respect each other, your children and other people you meet, your children will most likely pick your ideologies as theirs too. 5. Tell your children YOU LOVE THEM; African parents are
Dear Governor Elrufai…
Nasir Ahmed el-RufaiGovernor of Kaduna StateCredit: The Guardian Good day Your Excellency, I would like to start by applauding you on the strides you have made in the months you have been in office. I appreciate the fact that you and your cabinet took a 50% pay cut as a result of your commitment to the state and her advancement, thus setting precedence for good governance and leadership. I hope you continue to keep your word to the people of Kaduna State as promised in your campaign and town hall speeches. That being said, I am writing this letter to make some complaints. I live in Ungwan Romi, in the southern region of Kaduna State. For years, there was hardly any development done in this area until late Governor Patrick Yakowa started major road constructions in the area. These projects included; 1. Road construction from the Romi Junction at Polytechnic Quarters (Romi Burial Ground) to Ungwan Sule; 2. Road construction from Romi Bus Stop through Lussawa and out to the Gas junction close to Peugeot Nigeria; 3. Road construction from School Road to Karatudu which leads to Karatudu, Gonin Gora, Buwaya and Federal Housing and; 4. The Bridge linking Unguwan Romi to the communities mentioned in 3 above. Unfortunately, he could not finish the projects he started before he passed on. When former Governor Ramalan Mukhtar Yero was elected, many people thought that he would complete the projects started by his predecessor. We shouldn’t have held our breaths. The projects were abandoned by the former Governor for roughly three years. When you came into power, you promised to ensure that all contracts given by Late Patrick Yakowa would be honored by you and completed by your administration. I am glad that in some regards, you have stayed true to your campaign promises. The bridge has been completed and you cannot begin to imagine the relief the completion has brought to residents who need ease of access between these communities. For this, I applaud your commitment. However, the roads that were started by Late Patrick Yakowa are still in the state they were at his death. Yes, they have been cleared, excavated and fine graded with red sand but that is just about it. As a result of this neglect, most of these areas have houses, farms, schools, businesses and shops caked with red dust. This means these areas have a permanent ‘dirty’ look. But beyond aesthetics are the health consequences of this neglect. Food sources from shops are caked with dust and adding that to the constant inhalation of dust raised by pedestrians and vehicles, we have a recipe for a large scale health disaster. The major respite we have is the annual rainfall – which itself poses some problems, chief of which is slippery roads – and the government’s efforts to wet the roads during the dry season. The government’s part stopped a while back. The rains have been gone for maybe two week and with the harmattan that has set in, the roads are so dry, resulting in a marked increase in dust particles in the atmosphere that is a slow poisoning of the residents of these neighborhoods. Your Excellency, I am hoping that these roads are part of your infrastructural plans for Kaduna state. If they are, I would like to implore you to do something about them as soon as you can. And while we wait, I am hoping that you direct the ministry of works to send out trucks of water daily to wet the roads. This will go a long way in helping the residents of these communities. As I wait in anticipation, I thank you in advance. Yours Faithfully, Ramatu Ada Ochekliye School Road, Unwan Romi Uncompleted road in Ungwan Romi Vehicles kicking up dust in Ungwan Romi Graded road in Ungwan Romi Houses caked with red dust in Ungwan Romi Lussawa Road Pedestrians kicking up dust in Ungwan Romi Bus top, Ungwan Romi
Why We Love Hillary Rodham Clinton
Hillary Rodham ClintonPicture: MISES INSTITUTE The first time I really took note of Hillary Rodham Clinton was when she was propelled to national (and international) ridicule by Bill Clinton’s affair in 1998. I was nine years old then and didn’t really understand politics. I was however very sad that Hillary Clinton had been publicly embarrassed by the scandal. I didn’t have access to the internet then but I followed every article that mentioned Hillary Clinton on the dailies. And even though I didn’t completely understand a lot of what I was reading, I grew fascinated with her. I learned that she wasn’t the typical woman of the 90s. She had a mind of her own, a drive that could rival most men and a desire that was as infectious as it was surprising. She was a lawyer, held strong political views that she was willing to work for and was actively fighting for children’s rights in her country. What was most impressive was that she was all of these before she even met Bill Clinton. The results of my research on Hillary and what I knew about Oprah Winfrey made me sit down – all 9 years old of me – to write out my life plans, the things I wanted to do and achieve and the person I wanted to be remembered for. I wrote these plans knowing that it wasn’t wrong for women to be intelligent, passionate or driven; things I was already displaying at that age. As I grew older, the strides Hillary made – in her law practice, humanitarian work and on the board of many committees – cemented my views about who I was meant to be. She was shattering glass ceilings way before it was a fitting catchphrase. What was most inspiring was her drive. She couldn’t be stopped for anything! Yes, she was less prominent during the time leading to the 1996 elections, but she didn’t stop pushing for the causes she was passionate about. From a driven lawyer, she became the first ‘First Lady’ to share her desire for elective post, campaign for that and win. But that was not the end for her. After serving for eight years in the US Senate, she announced that she was going to run for Presidency in 2008. I was so excited when I read this and even though I was a total fan of Barack Obama, I was happy that she dared to aspire for the highest post in one of the world’s greatest nations. And even though she didn’t get the Democratic Party nomination, she didn’t remain bitter. She joined forced with President Barack Obama as his Secretary of State. When she expressed her desire again for office in 2015, I was again inspired. She couldn’t be put down! And best of all, she wouldn’tbe put down. Never in my life have I prayed to be American more than at that time so I could vote for her; vote for a woman who refused to toe the line society tried to force down her throat. Hillary was more qualified than her husband when he ran for presidency but she waited. She was probably more experienced than President Barack Obama when he ran but again, she waited. You can imagine my pain when the time finally came and she had to face a racist, sexist, homophobic, misogynist, unintelligent, vile and inexperienced man! I honestly thought she had it in the bun. But alas, racism, James Comey, sexism, homophobia, Julian Assange, WikiLeaks, white supremacy and blatant tomfoolery would have none of that. In spite of her loss at the US Elections, I have never been more proud of a person like I am of Hillary. Hillary Clinton is a woman who has pushed for the things she believes in, giving her all – and then some – to her dreams, even when everything seemed against her. Many people wanted her to stand behind her husband, aspire for garden parties in the white house and be a beautiful potted plant. Most people couldn’t understand a woman who dared to have her own mind, her own dreams, her own vision and even her own sense of style. I mean, how dare Hillary think she can wear those pantsuits and three-inch heels and be president? Well, those people won! For now, anyway. Why was it so important for Hillary to win? Would she have been the first female president? No! We have African female presidents. Plus, I am Nigerian. How does it affect me? Well, it does! Many people have accused me of supporting Hillary Clinton only because she is a woman and I laugh because the reaction is typical. I wanted her to win because she was the most qualified person for the position as a result of her extensive work in government and because she worked hard; even harder than most men have to. Nut more than that, and she daredto. I wanted her to win because I saw her policy plans and agreed with them. I wanted her to win because she had demonstrated better character for humanity and basic human rights than Trump has or will ever. Beyond that, I wanted her to win because she had her failings too and has learned from them. But no; she is a woman, so that was my only reason for supporting her (*shaking my head). It is worrisome however that most people would rather vote a bumbling unqualified man than a woman. We get it; society has its tethering rope. Hillary may have lost this election but she has inspired me, and many people globally, to fight for what we believe in, to push for what we want and to stay the course, even if it takes forever. She may not get to be the first female president of the United States of America but her drive would make some woman the first. Many of the suffragettes didn’t get to see Hillary Clinton contest but their
What Donald Trump’s Victory Should Mean for Africa
Donald Trump,President of The United States of America.Picture Credit: TIME As the world reels from the news that Donald Trump is the President of the United States of America, we need to take a look back at what the win, combined with the proposed British exit – Brexit – from the European Union means for Africa, Africans and black people in general. Like the push for Brexit, Donald Trump’s campaign was riddled with fear mongering, describing a world where minorities are supposedly overwhelming the (predominantly white) population of these countries. The purview of these two world powers hold is that by ‘letting’ more ‘minorities’ into their nation, the people indigenous to these countries are being pushed out; from leadership positions, jobs, opportunities and other benefits of being a citizen. To the majority of Americans and Brexit voters, these foreigners are making them less than they are supposed to be and they need to take their power back. In plain speak, keep the bloody foreigners out! While this is being touted as nationalistic for those who hold these views, we cannot help but see the underlying (in the case of Britain) and most times, glaringly obvious (Trump couldn’t be clearer) tones of racism, bigotry and hate. It is shocking to note that these two countries that pride themselves on being progressive and the most tolerant of the world powers have massively voted to stop acting like they consider all human life equal. George Orwell couldn’t have been more accurate. The United States of America and the United Kingdom have voted to stop pretending that there aren’t racist undertones in their country. They have also voted to stop pretending that they care about ALL human life. Why is this a historical time for Africa particularly? The answer lies in the fact that Africans and black people keep going to these countries for one reason or the other. Before I look at the Black people from these countries, I will discuss those of us from Africa. The data collated by NOI Polls and Pew Research Center show that rate of emigration of Africans to the US and UK has increased. This is especially explained by Monica Anderson in her article, ‘African Immigrant Population in U.S. Steadily Climbs’ posted on Fact Tank, Pew Research Center on November 2, 2015. Of particular interest to me are these paragraphs: “There were 1.8 million African immigrants living in the U.S. in 2013, up from 881,000 in 2000 and a substantial increase from 1970, when the U.S. was home to only 80,000 foreign-born Africans. They accounted for 4.4% of the immigrant population in 2013, up from 0.8% in 1970. The growth is evident among recently arrived immigrants. When compared with other major groups who arrived in the U.S. in the past five years, Africans had the fastest growth rate from 2000 to 2013, increasing by 41% during that period. (Africans are also a rapidly growing segment of the black immigrant population in the U.S., increasing by 137% from 2000 to 2013.) One factor behind this recent wave can be traced to the Refugee Act of 1980, which made it easier for those fleeing conflict-ridden areas, such as Somalia and Ethiopia, to resettle in the U.S. Back then, less than 1% of all refugee arrivals were from Africa, compared with 32% today, according to figures from the U.S. State Department’s Refugee Processing Center. Statistics from the Yearbook of Immigration Statistics confirm this point. Among refugee arrivals in 2013, five of the top 10 countries of nationality were in Africa: Somalia, the Democratic Republic of Congo, Sudan, Eritrea and Ethiopia.” But more than a desire to flee war-torn countries is an emigration for proper (and more advanced) health care, better education, more effectively working systems’, tourism or just having a go at ‘greener pastures’. Each of these by themselves is not too much of a problem but when put together, we see the problem as clearly as day; Africa is a failing continent. It breaks my heart to say this because of my optimism about Africa but it is imperative that we accept that we are failing; and woefully so! The rest of the world took pity on us for centuries and allowed some of our excesses. Of course they did this for their selfish gains but we are more to blame for this than they are. We cannot continue to funnel our resources, wealth, revenue or intellect towards improving these countries when ours, and hence our continent, continues to suffer and bleed out. We cannot continue to continue to perpetuate the ‘white savior’ complex and expect more developed countries to solve our problems. And now, even if we want to, these countries are not having it anymore! They are sick and tired of our neediness and constant dependence. They are done with us! So what can we do? 1. First, we need to wake the hell up! These countries see us as nothing more than pests and leeches and what do you do to these? I will let you figure it out. Before that time comes, we need to borrow ourselves some sense and wake up; 2. We need to stop believing in the ‘white savior’ ruse because guess what? They have not saved us from anything! In case you don’t know, South Sudanese people are still dying. So are Somalians. Many African countries are still dirt poor. Aid after aid after elaborate event to raise more aid and the problems we have are still very glaring. No country will save us as long as they need us to remain dependent. We have to save ourselves! The black race has to save herself! 3. There is no better time to strengthen our institutions than at this very moment. We need to start investing – heavily – in our educational and health sectors, our military, government systems, infrastructure, landmarks, power, communications and best of all, our human capital and resources; 4. The bloody brain drain has to stop! We cannot continue to take so much money
Ramat: The Angry Black Woman
Hey guys. So two, maybe three, weeks ago, I decided to switch my style of presentation and become more demure. This is because my presentation role models – Oprah, Ellen DeGeneres, Angie Martinez and Toolz – are these super calm women who seem to be making so much impact and getting so much paper. Also, someone told me that I sounded like I was ‘always angry’. I didn’t want to come off as petty and angry as Wendy does (in my opinion) and I didn’t want to be known as ‘Ramat the angry black woman’. So…I switched my style. I did this video where I was uber calm, where I counted my words, tried to enunciate better and basically, was a complete opposite of my normal self. I was excited about the video and couldn’t wait to get it up. The first thing that happened was the feedback. I was told I ‘looked tired and bored’, didn’t ‘have energy’, ‘acted like I was being forced to do it’ and other such statements. In essence, the video I was excited about was boring at best, or just plain horrible! I was shocked! Here was a video I so proud of but was one almost everyone didn’t like. To say I was burnt is the understatement of the century. I sulked a bit, refused to talk to some of my biggest supporters and generally felt like quitting. After the requisite time of unhappiness, I went back to the video and watched it again. And again. And one more time. I removed myself from the work I had done and watched it like a stranger. When I was done, I came to the same conclusion; the video sucked! I told my sisters why I switched my style and they said something that jolted me back to reality. They said, ‘Ramat, angry black woman works for you. Why do you want to stop being that?’ So I thought about it. I had a pretty important topic to discuss and I tried to sound like other people when being myself would have been awesome. Yes! I am a bit of a talker. I have plenty (if not too much) energy and my voice is a bit high pitched (whom am I kidding? My voice is very high pitched!) Some people think I am shouting when I talk but that is what comes naturally to me. I am a super excited person and when I feel anything, I feel it with all of me! And yes! I am angry about many things! It is that anger that pushed me to give my voice to many injustices of society. I realized that as different as I am from my role models (and other women in broadcast media), we all had our audience and each a space in this life. People may think Wendy is petty but there are so many other people who worship the ground she walks on. I remember when someone said Oprah was boring and after I took quick breaths to calm down, I realized that it was valid thought for that person. We all like what we like and that is what makes the world a diverse place. So today, I am back! The real Ramat, with the ‘loud’ voice, crazy body gesticulations, hyperactive persona and plenty ginger (who uses that anymore Ramat? Rolling my eyes) is back! There is nothing wrong in learning from others as you try to be the person you were created to be. What is wrong is trying to be like other people when you are awesome just being you. Different isn’t wrong. Find what makes you tick and follow your own path! So darlings, what are you going to do? Follow the herd or chart your own course?
Shayo Tinuoye: The Global Citizen
Shayo Tinuoye Oluwashayo Tinuoye – or Shayo as most people call her – is a young Nigerian lady who has traveled to thirty four countries in her quest for knowledge and an opportunity to impact lives. And she isn’t done yet. She intends to visit as many countries as possible before she is too old to travel. But where did it all start from? To understand her will, we may have to go way back. Shayo was born into a blended family, the daughter of a Reverend who lives in Kaduna and a retired teacher who lives in Ibadan. She is the first child of her father and the last of her mother. She has eight siblings in total, four from her dad and four from her mum. It’s a large family with Shayo as the middle child. I asked how she was able to cope with the drama that was likely to come with such family dynamics. “Growing up, it was more challenging having to deal with separated parents and being caught up in the heat sometimes. But it is way better now.” She had to balance her relationship with her family by spending time in Kaduna when school was in session and in Ibadan during the holidays. Despite the family issues she was facing, she always maintained her happy-go-lucky personality. In high school, she was ribbed a lot for being a tall girl – she was 5’7 at the time of graduation – and she found a way to tease back, making her a favorite among many of her classmates. Nothing, it seemed, could dampen the bubble of happiness that was Shayo. Shayo knew she always wanted to travel but apart from shuttling between Ibadan and Kaduna, she didn’t really think much about it. It wasn’t until she got to the university that an opportunity similar to the start of a cheesy love story presented itself. “So I was sitting on the walkway after a boring lecture one glorious day back in 100 level and a couple of cute boys walked up to me and my friends. And they were like, ‘What’s your passion?’.We couldn’t answer in a way that was convincing. “So they told us about this amazing organization that helps people explore their leadership potential blah blah blah… But what I took out of all the mumbo jumbo they said was the fact that I could travel to work on a social issue. And I was very passionate about HIV/AIDS. So I was like ‘Why not? After all, na plant we dey study!’.” At a Temple in Guangzhou, China You see, Shayo had written JAMB three times because she wanted to study medicine. When university admission was not forthcoming and she absolutely needed to leave home, she agreed to study Plant Biology at the University of Ilorin. This was a course she didn’t have any interest in, so her stay in the university was just to pass time. Cue cute boys to change the narrative. The organisation they were raving about? AIESEC. When Shayo found AIESEC, her university days finally became interesting. She was glad to have found something that was practical and she gave it a greater portion of her energy. She was not really clear on the objectives of the organisation until, at the 200 level break, she went to Ghana. “I went to Kumasi, Ghana, for an internship where I worked on a project called ASK (Answers and Solutions around HIV/AIDS). It was mainly creating awareness in high schools. So I worked on this project alongside other interns from about 10 counties. We partnered with a couple of organisations focusing on similar issues in Kumasi. After I got back, I had more clarity on what AIESEC was about. So I became a super active member.” Getting clarity came with a price. The internship was self-funded and unpaid, as all the participants were volunteers. I became very curious about how a 21-year old girl managed to travel abroad to work with little funds. How did her parents react? “Haha! My parents were in full support, although my dad became skeptical at some point. And he was like, ‘What are you going there to do… blah blah blah…’ But I managed to go, being a stubborn head. Plus, mum was in full support. She paid for my transportation. So I went via ABC – longest trip of my life! And she also gave me pocket money. My dad also gave me some cash, plus I saved a little. So I managed.” From that moment, the travel bug bit Shayo and she couldn’t be cured. Even though most of her trips have been for work, she has used every opportunity to enjoy the people and cultures of each country she has been to. So far, that number has been thirty-four. You begin to wonder how many times she travels a year. “It’s hard to take an average – the reason being that my trips were totally dependent on my role. For example, when I was Director for Talent Management in Ghana, I traveled only twice. When I became Country Director, I traveled more and then when I became Director for Africa, I had to visit even more countries. So those visits were almost always work related.” Shayo’s plate is clearly full, when it comes to travelling for work. I wondered if she had any time at all for personal vacations and leisurely trips. “Yes I do. Every year. Two years ago I spent my entire vacation exploring Italy. Last year, Malta Island and Cambodia. Okay… let me answer your question. On an average, I travel thrice a year, at least.” Isn’t she living the life?! Shayo’s job is certainly interesting because of the opportunities it provides, but don’t be fooled – it’s not an endless vacation. She worked incredibly hard to build herself from a young volunteer into the organisation’s Director for Africa. She talked me through her journey, and emphasised the importance of seizing opportunities
The Woman He Lost
Picture Culled From: MARSHABLE’s ‘Black Armor’Written By: David Yi When Ebo Kofi met Iminathi Thato, he and Farhanah Ekow were checking themselves out. For a minute there, he thought he was in love with Farhanah but all that flew out of the window when Iminathi spoke to him. He and Farhanah worked at the premiere advertising agency in Kumasi, an agency where he was a bit of a celebrity. Iminathi did some work for the agency and during one of her presentations, they met. He was impressed with the quality of her creativity. He wished she did more work with the company so he could see her often, but wishes weren’t horses. Whenever she was around though, he watched her from afar as she did her job. She kept to herself a lot, making her irresistible to men and women alike. There were many days Ebo wished he and Iminathi were friends but he kept his distance too, maintaining his faux mysterious aura so people thought there was more to him than he portrayed. And then she sent him a message. She was sick and wondered if he would do a major presentation for her. The client was the biggest telecommunications company in Ghana and the account was going to be big for their firm. He agreed to do the presentation and asked her to send her work. When the time came, he delivered a flawless performance and got the account. He made sure to tell the company that he was making the presentation for Iminathi, who was unavoidably absent. The commission was written in her name. When he told Iminathi everything that had happened, she was so grateful. She shared the commission equally with him and that day, they became friends. They started texting each other and somehow, he knew he was falling in love with her. She on the other hand, seemed to just be having fun. It was obvious that she was attracted to him but he wasn’t sure if her emotions were invested in their attraction dance. Farhanah on the other hand, was transferred to the Nigerian bureau and Ebo was glad she was out of the way. He could now focus on getting the girl of his dreams. From texting, they started sexting and he knew that they would invariable be together. While he couldn’t wait to be with her physically, he also wanted to connect with her emotionally. But he was scared; she was a fully functional girl with big dreams. She had even bigger dreams than he had ever had. She wanted to own the world; or a huge slice of it. That was a bigger motivation for her than any other thing OR person. He wondered if he would be in competition with her career and if that would be okay with him. He could see that she was clearly different from Farhanah, who was content with him as her prize. He however believed that if he could get her, he could change her. And so, he put on the charm. Soon enough, he was in Iminathi’s head. He knew this because whenever she saw him, she burst out the biggest smile. He could be in a group of people and she would walk up to him, say hi, and walk away. Soon enough, he was the envy of the guys in the office. Everyone wondered how he got THE Iminathi to like him. And finally, Iminathi invited him to her home. They had quality dinner and even better conversation and soon enough, they were wrapped around each other. Ebo knew that it was a glorious night for him and he hoped it was equally so for Iminathi. When he got up to leave, she smiled and him…and shattered his world. ‘Now that this attraction has been sated, we can get on with our work. No more distractions for me.’ Ebo was shocked; Iminathi didn’t want a relationship with him. It had just been a one-night-stand for her. This was usually what men did but for the first time in his life, a woman had done it…and to him! He was beyond shocked. But he hid his disappointment and said, ‘You are my girlfriend now and I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world.’ Iminathi laughed and said, ‘Darling, I am happy already. My happiness is not dependent on you, or anyone for that matter. No beef, but I am good. And no, I am not your girlfriend.’ He laughed – painfully – as she saw him out of her house. As he walked to his car, he promised he was going to make her fall in love with him; if it was the last thing he did. Ebo layered the charm and pursued Iminathi like his life depended on it. He was suave, charming, and peppered his speech and actions with enough romance to make Mills & Boons look like child’s play. And soon enough, Iminathi fell in love with him. It was the start of a beautiful love story. Or was it? Ebo noticed that Iminathi didn’t become less interested in her career. If anything, she was more dogged about what she wanted to achieve with her life. He knew she loved him but he also knew that if she was to choose, she would choose her career over him. He wanted to be her all, to be the reason she was happy and somehow, he felt that if he offered her marriage, that would happen. In less than six months, he started dropping hints about wanting to spend the rest of his life with her. One night after an intense love making session, he cuddled her and said, ‘I love you so much. I am happiest with you around and I think I could do this forever. What do you think?’ Iminathi squirmed and broke out of the cuddle. ‘You know there is no ‘forever’ for us, right?’ Ebo sat up. ‘Why would you say that?’ ‘Well, I am not
The World’s Worst Fathers
Image: LA Progressive My mind keeps flitting to this year’s Father’s Day and an incident that happened on Twitter. While most people were praising their fathers, this girl (whom I won’t mention) shared a thread about her abusive father and how he isn’t, for lack of a better word, shit. She wished her mother a happy father’s day for being both father and mother to her and her siblings and prayed her father rots in hell. People were angry that she deigned to say such things about her father. One guy in particular was so mad, he started a thread of his own. The crux of his thread was that he didn’t want to hear about her father being horrible, that she should have kept it to herself and worse, that she was a useless child for airing those things about her father. I was livid at the guy (and other people like him) for bashing the girl. I wondered why it was okay for them to praise their fathers on their own timelines but it wasn’t okay for the girl to call out her father on her timeline. I remember tweeting along those lines and saying that everyone had a right to whatever emotion they had and it was wrong to shut people down because they do not look or think like us. Today however, the incident has me thinking about the reasons why that girl spoke about her father like that. I played all the scenarios of fathers I have met and been told about and I couldn’t help but conclude that there are some really horrible fathers out there. So…here is my list of the world’s worst fathers; 1. THE ‘BREAD LOSER’: If the bread winner is one who takes care of the family, the ‘bread loser’ is my word for one who doesn’t. People know that in many homes, the mother is the breadwinner of the family. She works or trades to ensure the family is catered for while maintaining the ruse that the father provides the money. Now, I am not hammering on men who cannot take care of their families – probably from illness, disability or recent job loss – but men who won’t take care of their families. There was this time in film school when we were doing emotional exercises and one of the acting students shared her experience. In her words, she was glad her father was dead. Many people balked at that statement but I wanted to know why. Thing is, her father had been a deadbeat father. He never provided for any of their basic necessities, choosing to spend whatever he made on himself. It was so bad that at his death, they had nothing! They were forced out of their house and their properties reclaimed to settle his debts. They had to live in an uncompleted building for months until someone took pity on them. Hearing her talk was about the hardest thing I could do. The pain was so raw that there wasn’t a dry eye in that room. And though some of our course mates said she should never have said something like that, I understood. You cannot imagine how horrible it is to have a father who lets you go hungry while being the man-about-town in bars and clubs or who makes you suffer the shame of being driven from school every term for school fees; or having a father who spends money on clothes and cars but doesn’t care that you are wearing rags; or even having a father who spends money eating grilled fish with cronies every night while the family eats Miyan Kuka every day. These kinds of fathers deserve to be on the list of the world’s worst fathers. 2. THE CASANOVA; These are the fathers who chase and date anything in skirts; or trousers. Everyone knows they are philanderers, flirts, womanizers or just plain licentious. Their wives and children bare the shame for these men who seem to have no shame. These are the ones who bring in their side pieces into their matrimonial homes and beds when the wife takes a simple two-day trip. They are the ones who dishonor their children with their unabashed lack of restraint and strength of character. There is this friend of mine whose father is a professor. Each new academic year brought him a bevy of fresh undergrads for his taking. When the guy was in 300L, he met a girl who, coincidentally, was one of his father’s side pieces. After the initial anger, he and the girl became friends. I was shocked when he told me that. I wondered at his decision until he explained. ‘My father doesn’t care two-bits about us. He gives us a basic allowance and when something new comes up and we need more money, he tells us he has done his part. I know he spends a lot of money on his girls; they even brag about it. So when I became friends with the girl, I told her how he treats us. She came up with the idea that whenever I need something, I could pass it unto her and she would get the money from my father. And true to her word, when asking for her allowance from my father, she would add the amount I needed and that was how I got by in school.’ Horrible, right? No! This guy needed to get basics for school; basics that his father wouldn’t give him but would give a girl he was fucking seeing. No wonder he had to do what he could to get some money. Some of these men may not openly disrespect their families but they are still Casanovas. How do I know? I have been propositioned by men whom I knew were married and whose children could be my age and even older. I have hung out with friends at bars where obviously married men were
INTERNATIONAL DAY FOR THE GIRL CHILD
Carefree Girls: What we aspire for ever girl in the world.Image: Unsplash. Today, SHADES OF US joins the world in commemorating the INTERNATIONAL DAY OF THE GIRL! We believe EVERY GIRL deserves the following; 1. Equal Access To Basic Human Rights; 2. Equal Access To Education; 3. Equal Access To Proper Health Care; 4. Equal Pay For Same Quality Or Quantity Of Work/Job; 5. Equal Right To Vote And Be Vote For And To Be In Leadership Positions Without Intimidation; 6. Equal Access To Opportunities; 7. Equal Access To Inheritance; 8. Right To Choose Whom To Marry And if/when To Marry; 9. Protection From Rape, Pedophilia, Domestic Violence Or Abuse, Emotional Abuse, Patriarchy And Misogyny; 10. Protection From Harmful Cultural And Religious Practices Like Female Genital Mutilation, Public Flogging For Perceived Wrongs Etc; 11. Equal Access to Digital Rights and Protection from Digital Gender Based Violence. With this in mind, we agree with this year’s theme for the International Day of the Girl Child as put out by the United Nations. If girls progress in all the spheres mentioned above, the sustainable development goals will progress and we will enjoy a better world. Add your voice today! What can YOU do to make girls progress? Credit: ESAU DILIS BLOG
Dealing With Body Shaming
Hi. So let us talk about my weight gain, shall we? In the past few months, I have put on more of those pounds in some areas I like (wink) and in some I don’t. At the beginning of the year, I was a size 14 and now, I am a size 16. This has meant getting bigger clothes, worrying about not being able to tuck in my belly anymore and generally feeling out of sorts with them Christian mother upper arms. That is where the rosy stuff ends. Imagine that this is what I call rosy. Few weeks ago, I went out to get something for breakfast and this okada rider whom I have known for a while was passing by. I said hello and continued on my way. The man stopped his okada and said hello. I saw that he wanted to tell me something so I went back to hear him out. I assumed what he wanted to tell me must be pretty important because he was willing to waste the time of his customer to talk to me. He looked at me and said, ‘Do you know that you have multiplied? You are so fat now oh! E be like say this Buhari regime no dey affect you. This fatness too much na!’ I was shocked beyond words. My eyes flitted to the passenger, who looked as embarrassed as I was. The woman started pinching him to get him to go his way (or maybe shut up) but he remained put. I turned back to him and said, I knew. I started walking away again when he spoke; and this time, a little louder. ‘But you dey exercise bah?’ I laughed about it and asked why I should. The man didn’t understand that the laughter was forced and my embarrassment great. He tried to say something else but this time, I turned and walked away. I was, in all honesty, ashamed of what I had gone through. This man, who is just a face I know, whom I have never had a conversation with beyond cursory greetings, felt he had the right to tell me that I had multiplied. I was so hurt that I stewed for days about the incident. I kept telling myself that he was unimportant and didn’t deserve the time I spent thinking about his affront but the gall of it all kept me bothered. When I finally stopped thinking of the man, I got an even more annoying treatment. I went to an evening service in church about a month ago. For the first time in months, I wore a short sleeved dress. At the end of service, two church ‘friends’ cornered me, one on my right and the other on my left. I was between rows so I was totally cornered. While one was asking what I was eating that was making me so fat, the other wrapped her palms around my upper arms, showing me that her two palms couldn’t go all the way around my Christian mother hands. She went further to shake my hand so she could see that flabby skin jiggle. For the first time in my life, anger wasn’t my go-to emotion; shame was. Tears gathered in my eyes and I faked a laugh to cover up my hurt. Recently, I put up a picture – the one above – on Instagram and someone wrote, ‘Ha ahn! You have put on so much weight’ and sealed the statement with sad smiley faces. After about a minute, the person deleted the post, probably realizing how they sounded and feeling contrite. The thing is, though the comment was deleted, I had seen it! I couldn’t un-see the comment and un-feel the hurt that came from reading the person’s disappointment at my weight gain. Couple that with the numerous comments on Facebook from ‘friends’ who feel they need to remind me that ‘you were more beautiful when you were slimmer. Better watch your weight oh!’ and I finally broke. My self confidence level dropped. Who am I kidding? It was in free fall! And though I know I am a size 16, which is only slightly bigger than what goes for ‘normal’ in our society, the fat shaming left me wondering if my weight was that repulsive. Thing is, I used to always be a confident girl. I was never one to bow to pressure and do what everyone expects. I always love to do me and be me and live as I want. That being said, the last few months have chipped off some of that confidence. I may be strong and portray the sticks-and-stones persona but I am admitting that fat shaming words have hurt me. Let me tell you how bad it got. Since 2012, I have been more of a recluse than a bubbly socialite. I started enjoying my own company better than hangouts with people so I kept to myself more. As my confidence level dropped, I became an even bigger recluse. I could stay at home for an entire week without so much as stepping to the gate. I didn’t want people to constantly tell me that I am so fat and blah. And because my confidence level dropped, my stuttering increased. Yes, I bet you didn’t know I stutter. This means that when I am out in public, I keep wondering if people are looking at me wondering about my weight. And because I was thinking of it, I remained silent instead of the good talker that I used to be. This made the depression I was feeling from being out of work even more profound. I could go on and on but I will stop here. I don’t want to lose my street cred. Why am I doing this? It is quite simple. When I did a similar post on my body being your problem, many people sent me mails telling me how I inspired them to deal with body shaming. They told me my confidence
