Nipping That Superiority Complex Off
I used to have a superiority complex. Yes. I just said that out loud. Pheww! But…let me backtrack a bit to give this context. Growing up, we didn’t have much. Well, the big house and the flashy cars would have deceived many people but we who were members of the family knew we didn’t have much. Okay…we could eat three square meals and our mum always made sure we had nice biscuits, chocolates and sweets. We had cable TV and we went to the amusement park once. Looking at it now, we had a lot! I know many of friends who didn’t have as much. In spite of all these, I felt we didn’t have a lot. I knew early on that the big house and cars were a great façade. My belief was cemented when we were always the last to get text books, uniforms or other school stuff generally. In fact, there was this term when I was in Primary 4 or so when I couldn’t participate in Physical Education because I (we) didn’t have sportswear. One of my favorite teachers – Late Mrs. Williams – took pity on us the following term and said we could exercise but only at the back. To add to that, we were driven for school fees from Nursery one until we graduated in SS3. Every single term! (*laughing like crazy. I have always found this line to be intensely funny). Anyway, we learned early not to ask for stuff like the latest Cortina shoes, or any form of video games, Discman or Pokémon anything. We learned to make do with what we had and for many years; which meant we were not among the cool kids. Cue in ‘Cool Kids’ by EchoSmith – though they were two decades ahead of the time – and you have my biggest yearning as a child. I looked at my family, looked at the near future and decided the only thing that was going to get me out of that predicament was my intellect. So I read. Books, magazine, newspapers, pamphlets, labels on food, medicine and cosmetics, banners and whatever I could lay my eyes (or hands) on. And then I watched a whole lot of television. Do not mind the naysayers; you can learn as much from television as you can from books. Some people are imaginative while others are visual. I think it is unfair to expect everyone to learn like you. Anyway, I learned and opened my mind to the possibilities that lay beyond my immediate environment. I knew what a pizza was (even though I only recently had one. Hey! Don’t laugh!) and I could vividly describe cities I had never been to, people I had never met and events I could only aspire to attend. If you didn’t know that at that time, I had never even left Kaduna, you would have thought I was well travelled and very knowledgeable. So the more I learned, the more people were willing to be friends with me. Well, some said I was funny but I don’t think so. Anyway, while I wasn’t a rich kid, I was gradually becoming a popular kid and best of all, a ‘cool kid’. Then I got cocky. I began to measure people and choose my friends based on how ‘intelligent’ they were. I must clarify that I don’t necessarily mean ‘book smart’. I chose friend who knew stuff that was cool; like Kenny who producing music at age 13, or Nathaniel who made innovative stuff from bad electrical appliances or Shayo who could make you laugh with the most mundane things ever. I also chose friends who knew a lot of bad things (*wink). Soon enough, I was friends with almost everyone. That however didn’t stop me from mentally correcting them when I thought they goofed. It happened with everyone; friends, family, people I had a bone to pick with and those I had nothing to do with. I was so cocky in my ‘intelligence’ that I became blind to my flaws. I needed that chip pulled the hell off my shoulders and you can bet life was willing to play bad cop. The first chisel to my inflated sense of importance was my grades in school. You see, all through primary and secondary school, I didn’t need to read too hard to come out top of my class. All I needed to do was attend lectures and I was smooth sailing. Then I got to the university. I was so confident in myself that I didn’t even go to class. Then my first semester result came out. What a wawu! I knew I had goofed. Instead of correcting my mistakes, I buried myself in even further. I was at every social event and partying into the early morn. My results kept getting worse. When I finally got the party girl tamed, the deal had been done. Now, while school results are not a true test of intelligence, it would have been good to apply myself to my books. I graduated poorly – don’t worry, I will give you the full gist someday – but my mind was open to the possibility that I was not as intelligent as I thought I was after all. Then I got a job on radio. I was an on-air-personality shaping the minds of listeners in Yola, Adamawa State. Apart from my problem with ‘R’ – damn you letter ‘R’ – I thought I was fantastic on air. Yes, that was told to me a couple of times but even if it wasn’t, I would still have felt fantastic. And no; it wasn’t self-confidence. After a year doing what I love, we had a training on Presentation from a consulting firm that is a really big deal in the country. Our trainer listened to us on air and told us that our pronunciations were barely there (at best) and horrible at worst. She said even the best of us
Ramat: The Angry Black Woman
Hey guys. So two, maybe three, weeks ago, I decided to switch my style of presentation and become more demure. This is because my presentation role models – Oprah, Ellen DeGeneres, Angie Martinez and Toolz – are these super calm women who seem to be making so much impact and getting so much paper. Also, someone told me that I sounded like I was ‘always angry’. I didn’t want to come off as petty and angry as Wendy does (in my opinion) and I didn’t want to be known as ‘Ramat the angry black woman’. So…I switched my style. I did this video where I was uber calm, where I counted my words, tried to enunciate better and basically, was a complete opposite of my normal self. I was excited about the video and couldn’t wait to get it up. The first thing that happened was the feedback. I was told I ‘looked tired and bored’, didn’t ‘have energy’, ‘acted like I was being forced to do it’ and other such statements. In essence, the video I was excited about was boring at best, or just plain horrible! I was shocked! Here was a video I so proud of but was one almost everyone didn’t like. To say I was burnt is the understatement of the century. I sulked a bit, refused to talk to some of my biggest supporters and generally felt like quitting. After the requisite time of unhappiness, I went back to the video and watched it again. And again. And one more time. I removed myself from the work I had done and watched it like a stranger. When I was done, I came to the same conclusion; the video sucked! I told my sisters why I switched my style and they said something that jolted me back to reality. They said, ‘Ramat, angry black woman works for you. Why do you want to stop being that?’ So I thought about it. I had a pretty important topic to discuss and I tried to sound like other people when being myself would have been awesome. Yes! I am a bit of a talker. I have plenty (if not too much) energy and my voice is a bit high pitched (whom am I kidding? My voice is very high pitched!) Some people think I am shouting when I talk but that is what comes naturally to me. I am a super excited person and when I feel anything, I feel it with all of me! And yes! I am angry about many things! It is that anger that pushed me to give my voice to many injustices of society. I realized that as different as I am from my role models (and other women in broadcast media), we all had our audience and each a space in this life. People may think Wendy is petty but there are so many other people who worship the ground she walks on. I remember when someone said Oprah was boring and after I took quick breaths to calm down, I realized that it was valid thought for that person. We all like what we like and that is what makes the world a diverse place. So today, I am back! The real Ramat, with the ‘loud’ voice, crazy body gesticulations, hyperactive persona and plenty ginger (who uses that anymore Ramat? Rolling my eyes) is back! There is nothing wrong in learning from others as you try to be the person you were created to be. What is wrong is trying to be like other people when you are awesome just being you. Different isn’t wrong. Find what makes you tick and follow your own path! So darlings, what are you going to do? Follow the herd or chart your own course?
Dealing With Body Shaming
Hi. So let us talk about my weight gain, shall we? In the past few months, I have put on more of those pounds in some areas I like (wink) and in some I don’t. At the beginning of the year, I was a size 14 and now, I am a size 16. This has meant getting bigger clothes, worrying about not being able to tuck in my belly anymore and generally feeling out of sorts with them Christian mother upper arms. That is where the rosy stuff ends. Imagine that this is what I call rosy. Few weeks ago, I went out to get something for breakfast and this okada rider whom I have known for a while was passing by. I said hello and continued on my way. The man stopped his okada and said hello. I saw that he wanted to tell me something so I went back to hear him out. I assumed what he wanted to tell me must be pretty important because he was willing to waste the time of his customer to talk to me. He looked at me and said, ‘Do you know that you have multiplied? You are so fat now oh! E be like say this Buhari regime no dey affect you. This fatness too much na!’ I was shocked beyond words. My eyes flitted to the passenger, who looked as embarrassed as I was. The woman started pinching him to get him to go his way (or maybe shut up) but he remained put. I turned back to him and said, I knew. I started walking away again when he spoke; and this time, a little louder. ‘But you dey exercise bah?’ I laughed about it and asked why I should. The man didn’t understand that the laughter was forced and my embarrassment great. He tried to say something else but this time, I turned and walked away. I was, in all honesty, ashamed of what I had gone through. This man, who is just a face I know, whom I have never had a conversation with beyond cursory greetings, felt he had the right to tell me that I had multiplied. I was so hurt that I stewed for days about the incident. I kept telling myself that he was unimportant and didn’t deserve the time I spent thinking about his affront but the gall of it all kept me bothered. When I finally stopped thinking of the man, I got an even more annoying treatment. I went to an evening service in church about a month ago. For the first time in months, I wore a short sleeved dress. At the end of service, two church ‘friends’ cornered me, one on my right and the other on my left. I was between rows so I was totally cornered. While one was asking what I was eating that was making me so fat, the other wrapped her palms around my upper arms, showing me that her two palms couldn’t go all the way around my Christian mother hands. She went further to shake my hand so she could see that flabby skin jiggle. For the first time in my life, anger wasn’t my go-to emotion; shame was. Tears gathered in my eyes and I faked a laugh to cover up my hurt. Recently, I put up a picture – the one above – on Instagram and someone wrote, ‘Ha ahn! You have put on so much weight’ and sealed the statement with sad smiley faces. After about a minute, the person deleted the post, probably realizing how they sounded and feeling contrite. The thing is, though the comment was deleted, I had seen it! I couldn’t un-see the comment and un-feel the hurt that came from reading the person’s disappointment at my weight gain. Couple that with the numerous comments on Facebook from ‘friends’ who feel they need to remind me that ‘you were more beautiful when you were slimmer. Better watch your weight oh!’ and I finally broke. My self confidence level dropped. Who am I kidding? It was in free fall! And though I know I am a size 16, which is only slightly bigger than what goes for ‘normal’ in our society, the fat shaming left me wondering if my weight was that repulsive. Thing is, I used to always be a confident girl. I was never one to bow to pressure and do what everyone expects. I always love to do me and be me and live as I want. That being said, the last few months have chipped off some of that confidence. I may be strong and portray the sticks-and-stones persona but I am admitting that fat shaming words have hurt me. Let me tell you how bad it got. Since 2012, I have been more of a recluse than a bubbly socialite. I started enjoying my own company better than hangouts with people so I kept to myself more. As my confidence level dropped, I became an even bigger recluse. I could stay at home for an entire week without so much as stepping to the gate. I didn’t want people to constantly tell me that I am so fat and blah. And because my confidence level dropped, my stuttering increased. Yes, I bet you didn’t know I stutter. This means that when I am out in public, I keep wondering if people are looking at me wondering about my weight. And because I was thinking of it, I remained silent instead of the good talker that I used to be. This made the depression I was feeling from being out of work even more profound. I could go on and on but I will stop here. I don’t want to lose my street cred. Why am I doing this? It is quite simple. When I did a similar post on my body being your problem, many people sent me mails telling me how I inspired them to deal with body shaming. They told me my confidence
The Weird One Out
PHOTO: ONE EQUAL WORLD Society has defined how the ‘ideal woman’ should look, walk, talk, behave and be interested in. This evolves every once in a while but the core tenets of what society wants from women are basically the same; be pretty, talk less, marry, give birth, support your man and fade into oblivion. When a woman doesn’t fit into the well laid out specifics of the ‘ideal woman’, she begins to feel odd and worse, and doubt her self-worth. Her difference plagues her and she wonders if something is wrong with her. As she battles these thoughts, society sends men and women who fit in to her ‘ideal’ classification to pepper this ‘different woman’ with wandering anecdotes and poisonous sarcasm. Here is a glimpse of the thoughts that plague women who do not fit into the ‘ideal’ or ‘perfect’ or ‘true definition of what a true woman should be’ classification. Let us start off on some of the questions she asks herself about her look: · Is it weird that she does not know the difference between a hair conditioner and a moisturizer? Or what their uses are?· Is it weird that she cannot tell between an original human and faux human hair? And that even if she knew, she would never spend over ₦50,000 just for her hair?· Should she be worried that she cannot tell the difference between a foundation and a concealer or even a highlighter? Oh! She knows what they are supposed to do but isn’t sure she can tell the difference when placed in front of her.· Why does the sales girl at the lipstick store ask her if she wants merlot, garnet, sangria or currant when all she asked for was red?· Why did the man at the cosmetic store snicker when she insisted there was really no difference between a ‘bleaching’ cream and a ‘toning’ cream?· Should she have been mad when the man at the underwear shop told her she was better off with the push-up bra as she isn’t well endowed?· Is it weird that she is not worried about her belly fat? And why was it acceptable to use waist trainers and give an illusion of a flat tummy when she had anything but?· Is her natural smell so wrong that she has to douse herself with multiple perfumes, deodorants, sprays and scents?· Is it wrong to just want to wear something comfortable instead of something trendy? That she wouldn’t spend money on designers who are all the rave now but whose designs would be outdated after a season? That she would rather wear generic clothes because somehow, they never go out of style?· Should she pretend those heels don’t hurt like hell or should she just stick to her ballet flats and scandals? And when she is done thinking about how she looks, she also has to ponder on these other questions: · Why should she be quiet in public places when her voice is a great tool in correcting societal wrongs?· Why should she catwalk and sway her hips when all she wants to do is to get to where she is going?· Is it weird that she would rather spend ₦20,000 on books than on clothes, shoes, bags, makeup or jewelry?· Why do people give her the funny look when she says she never watches ZeeWorld or Telemundo or Africa Magic Epic? Is she so wrong for preferring Discovery Channel, National Geographic and BBC and the NBA channel?· What is so wrong with being interested in The Big Bang Theory, Fringe, CSI, Criminal Minds, Bones, Sherlock and the Marvel series? Why should she have to limit her scope of understanding because girls are ‘not supposed to be that intelligent’?· And where was it written that women are only interested in sports because of their boyfriends or because they want to ogle men? Even when she proves she has been a supporter of Arsenal since they first signed Robert Pires, some men still think she is a supporter because Theo Walcott is fine.· And why do her female friends keep telling her she ‘sounds like a man’ when she discusses politics and the economy and global happenings? Like, because she is a woman, she shouldn’t be able to understand politics, economics or espionage?· And talking espionage, is it weird that she would rather cuddle up with a Dan Brown, Robert Ludlum, Steven King, Tom Clancy, Agatha Christie, James Patterson, Sydney Sheldon and John Grisham than Complete Fashion, City people, any M & B or eHarlequin?· Is it weird that she knows about NASA, quantum physics, coding and app creation, DNA sequencing and cloning, artificial intelligence and Einstein’s Gravitational waves theory? · Why should she have to take the words of ‘spiritual leaders’ as true and infallible when she studies the scriptures herself and sees that, many times, these ‘spiritual leaders’ are just wrong? And why should she not teach the word because she is a woman? These questions keep her up at night wondering if her difference will negatively affect her life. The worst area for her revolves around her sexual relationships. She wonders: · if her mind is sexy enough to attract the guy she wants; · if the guy she wants wouldn’t be bothered by her lack of interest in fake nails, caked faces and flamboyant clothes; · if the guy wouldn’t be threatened by her intellect and the quality of her mind; · if the guy understands that a relationship is a part of her life and not the entire essence of it and; · if the guy she wants even exists? What many people do not know is that more women are waking up to the realization that there has to be more to life than looking pretty, ‘slaying’, wearing the hottest designer clothes, getting married, giving birth and taking care of a family. These women want to change their world in their various fields. They want to leave a
The Curse of Social Media
I pick up my phone, look for the best light source, tilt for the best angle, present the left side of my face, pucker my lips (or smile or laugh), choose a filter and bam! Picture taken! When I want a full length picture, I hand over my phone to someone and repeat the procedure. I always present my left side because it is my most flattering side. My smile seems fuller, my eyes brighter and the ‘love handles’ on my waist doesn’t look so pronounced. I take as many pictures as possible and then choose the best from the rack. Every picture that shows me in an unflattering light doesn’t see the light of any prying eyes. It is CTRL X on them ugly pictures! Having done that, I go through filter after filter to make my face smoother, clearer, and fresher and my clothes and environment more ‘tush’. When all that is done, INSTAGRAM baby! 50 likes! 100 likes! 1000 likes! And if I am Kim Kardashian, likes in the millions! Yeah…I wasn’t just talking about me. When you go on any of the social media platforms, whether it is Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, Snapchat, Pinterest, Tumblr or whatever suits your style, you see pictures of people that seem a bit…unreal. Everyone is more beautiful, richer, sexier and much more likeable. Everyone seems to be having fun and celebrating life and doing things that you seem to be left out of. Everyone seems to have a very happy life! But is this usually the case? In most cases, no. Social media has given us an opportunity to lieto the world. I know many people who are extremely differentfrom what they put up on social media. There are people who post snaps showing they live in opulent houses while living poor. Women with smaller waists on Snapchat or Instagram seem thicker in reality. Remember when 50 Cents was with that bed of money but filing for bankruptcy? Wizkid spoke of a house he supposedly ‘bought’ when in real sense, the owner was waiting to embarrass the heck out of him fornot paying rent. And supposedly happy relationships on the gram are anything but. Take the case of Toke Makinwa and Tiwa Savage for example. I cannot count all the #CoupleGoals posts people put up after seeing well edited photos of their supposedly happy marriages. The wedding pictures were heavenly and the gowns were out of this world! It wasn’t until their marriages publicly came crashing down that people saw how unhappy they really were. I met an actor cum TV and red carpet host recently. This actor had a very healthy social media presence. He was always on fleek in all his pictures and one would have thought he was swimming in money. He was at our school to talk on his career as a learning platform for aspiring actors. One of the first things he said was, ‘Forget what you see on the gram. Most of what I wear is brought to me by my producers and after the show, I return them. I go home in the clothes I went to the office with.’ I was shocked. Here was an ‘accomplished’ actor telling us that most of what we saw on his Instagram was just for show. Another actor, this time my favorite Nigerian male actor, spoke of moments of poverty when he was smiling for the gram, when he was posting happy pictures and when he was motivating others to reach for the stars. I can go on and on with the celebrities but they are not the only guilty ones. I know ladies who cannot take a picture without caking their face first. Theycannot go out without their face beat on fleek and dressed to the nines. These ladies spend almost all their money on clothes, makeup, accessories and what not. They hardly ever repeat a dress or shoe. Every day, they take pictures to show off what they have. How would the world know they just bought a new dress if they don’t quickly upload photos online? This is not just a thing for girls. Guys are guilty too. You look at snaps of Tyson Beckford, Trey Songz, Ebuka Uchendu, Nobel Igwe and you just know that men also want to show off. These men are fashionable and trendy so they show off their appeal in well taken shots. Some other men who may not be conventionally sexy or ‘cute’ show off their wealth. Men like Floyd Mayweather, Young Thug, Birdman and Davido are about showing off that paper. Again, how would people know they are millionaires if they don’t show the things their money can buy for them? And another category is the men who show off their penis prints. You all know how many women swooned when The Game showed off what he was packing on Instagram or when Serge Ibaka mistakenly posted a picture emphasizing his size. You hardly ever see anyone deliberately putting up a bad picture of themselves. Everyone always wants to look good. And even though I am anti-body shaming, I will never take a picture of my love handles and put online. Hell no! I ain’t sorry! Khloe Kardashian photoshops her bad knee, some dark skinned girls use lighter filters, some ‘white’ girls use the tan filter, people without cars never post pictures where they are trekking or in public transport and stuff like that. The effect then is that when many people go on Instagram or Facebook or any social media site that is especially designed for pictures and videos, they think that their lives isn’t as good as it should be. They look at the plush houses, luxury cars, designer clothes, expensive jewelry and accessories, state-of-the-art gadgets, perfectly done make up, trips to exotic locales and mouth-watering food and they can’t help but think that their life is sadly lacking in many things. If you are one of such, remember that away from the well
