Overwhelmed Mothers Raising One Too Many Children
Image: Kiwa There is this woman in the neighborhood I currently reside in. She has a shop where she sells provisions, food items and…wait for it…even fuel! Her shop is right at the corner and every time I have passed her shop on my way back from anywhere, there always seems to be a myriad of people she is attending to. Let me put this out there…I like her hustle. She is a mother of four kids, with a bulging belly that announces a fifth. A first born son, a second daughter and twin girls make up her brood. Her son should be maybe six while the twins are just learning to walk so I will peg them at less than a year. This is what I don’t like. Every single time I have had reason to pass by her shop or buy something from her, I have taken note of something off with the way she handles her children. First with the twins. They are always so dirty-looking. Their hair – what little they have – is almost always covered with mud. Their clothes are a study in filth and because you can bet they are never wearing diapers, their panties are always an eyesore. What completely freaks me out is that I have never seen either of the girls with both pair of shoes. One twin is always with the right pair and the other with the left. I cannot imagine the kind of callouses those babies will have, seeing how bad our road is. And those babies are alwayson the road! I can count the number of times I have seen bikes and tricycles and even cars break quickly to avoid hitting them. When this happens, the mother just screams for the older brother who gets his sisters out of the way and gets back to whatever has his attention. The son worries me too. He is always playing – which isn’t a bad thing – but his level of disregard for people is alarming. It isn’t unusual for him to shove people aside (without as much as an apology) when he wants to get into the shop. And when he gets into his play time, he forgets he has baby sisters. Yes, he is a baby himself but you can see he doesn’t seem to care about the twins. He can watch them play with fecal matter or walk towards the road where a vehicle is approaching and would only do something when his mother, or a neighbor, shouts in alarm. The person I worry most about is the second child who takes off for hours and returns when she feels like. I know this because I have seen her mother beat her couple of times for going somewhere and only returning at night. She reprimands her and the very next day, the child is out again. This is scary because of the number of sick individuals we have out there. Someone who knows the girl can go out and return when she likes may set an ambush for her; an ambush that may be lead to her kidnap or sexual abuse. What does the mother do in all these? Apart from the occasional shout, she seems to just let her children be. There are times when the babies are crying and she looks away. I must say I believe she cares for her children; she gets them food and changes the babies clothes when it is super dirty. But she is overwhelmed. Managing one kid is a lot of work, managing four hyperactive kids with one on the way can be too much. In the three months since I have been in this neighborhood, I haven’t seen a father figure who should be helping out with the kids. Apart from members of the community helping out here and there, she is basically doing all she can on her own. Here is what I feel. Parents should be able to care for their children or provide the means to have them cared for. Those children are at great risks because their mother is overwhelmed. Though the road is bad, it does not stop a reckless driver from going fast if (s)he chooses. Also, any number of things can make a vehicle skid out of control. What happens if these kids are waddling across the road when something horribly bad happens? And these are babies! They shouldn’t have to live in filth when there are a myriad of diseases they can contract from the harmful microorganisms that abound in dirt? And though I mentioned the possibility of sexual assault for the second child, the truth is, all the children are at risk. While I advocate for minding your business, there are cases where we just shouldn’t. Here is my dilemma. How do I convey this worry to the mother without coming off as a ‘busybody’, ‘akproko’ or ‘gossip’? How can we get parents to space their birth so they are better able to deal with raising each of their children properly? Would it be fair to report to social services, knowing that the woman cares for her children but is overwhelmed? This has been plaguing me for weeks now and I would really like advice. What can a sister do?
Dear Parents, Here Is Some Much Needed Advice
Image: Parent Pump Radio Dear parents, First, congratulations on having that child or those children. It must have been nerve-wracking going through the process of carrying and birthing your children. It should even be scarier trying to raise those kids to be stellar individuals who you can be proud of. Well done indeed. Having said that, there are some things you need to learn if you are to be a wonderful parent. This has nothing to do with changing diapers or effectively calculating sleeping and eating pattern. No; let the books educate you on those. This has to do with developing your children’s personalities and temperament. 1. You are your children’s FIRST ROLE MODELS; While this is self-explanatory, it begs to be explained. You need to show your children how to be responsible by doing your share of house chores and contributing your share of the finances. Let them know that whether they are boys or girls, they each have duties and responsibilities to the family. If you do not, your boys will learn to expect women to take care of them and your daughters would think their lives should revolve around taking care of their men. Do not hit your spouse or be violent in any way to them. Of course there are days when you will quarrel and have heated arguments but as much as you can, do this away from the children. Let them learn to respect each other because you respect each other and yourselves. Don’t go about fighting each other in public when you can sort out your issues privately. Don’t go teaching your children that it is okay to be deliberately taunting and nagging and rude. It is not a good look for anyone. Get a job, or a business or an advocacy organization and spend your time on more meaningful things than house chores while watching Telemundo, ZeeWorld or Super Sports. Teach your girls to aspire for more than being a kept woman who depends on her husband for every single thingshe needs. That is no way to live and that is no way to raise your daughters. It is also no way to raise your sons who might grow up to expect women to depend on them for all they need. Teach your children that marriage is a partnership, with each partner contributing time, energy, and financesto the process. 2. You are the first to BUILD YOUR CHILDREN’S SELF-ESTEEM AND WORTH; Many parents are okay telling their children that they are ‘stupid’, ‘foolish’, ‘a dunce’ or even more derogatory terms. This is wrong! No child is stupid. They may do stupid things but that doesn’t make them stupid. Understand that each child is different and learns at their own pace. Don’t force your children to all excel at mathematics when one may love French more. Find out what each child is capable of and reaffirm their self-worth by making them better at it. Also, you need to let your children learn to do things by themselves. You should allow them try to solve problem without needing you there. These problems could be algebra or bullying. What you should do is tell them that you trust their abilities and their decision and help them understand that sometimes, it is okay to be wrong. There are parents who tell their kids that they are ugly or too black or have long or wide mouths or slit eyes or are too fat and stuff like that. Well…don’t! These seemingly simple utterances go a long way in cementing your child’s self-worth. As they grow up, these words will make them feel insecure in a society that thrives on insecurity. And when your kids are insecure, they become susceptible to all sorts of vices to make them feel better about themselves. 3. Your child should NOT HAVE TO EARN YOUR LOVE; It is a known fact that parents do not love their children equally and have favorites but never show your children that! Love each of your children as equally as you can and better than that, your children should not have to earn your love. It is unnatural for children to do things to make you love them. Loving them should come as naturally as breathing. This means that you shouldn’t threaten to withdraw your love when they do wrong and even worse, tell them as some parents do, that they wish the kids were never born. How is a child to feel loved when these are done? How is a child to thrive? And yes, some children can be very trying but that is no excuse to make them work at getting your love. You should be able to understand the dynamic nature of each child and use that dynamism to make your relationship with them better. 4. Your child should respect (NOT FEAR) you; Most African parents thrive on instilling fear into their children. Their children are not allowed to have opinions of their own and must cower when these parents talk. Well guess what? They are your children, not your slaves or puppets! When children fear their parents, they hide things from them and in some instances, hate them. Such children cannot wait to leave their homes and when they do, they almost always never return. They will also keep communication at the barest minimum because no one likes to constantly have to face their fears. Respect is very different from fear. It is respect that will make a child do what you ask. And this respect has to be mutual! That you brought that child into the world is no reason to be disrespectful to them. You must treat them like fully functional human beings who have a right to their own thoughts, opinions and ideologies. The plus side to this is, if you respect each other, your children and other people you meet, your children will most likely pick your ideologies as theirs too. 5. Tell your children YOU LOVE THEM; African parents are
