Overwhelmed Mothers Raising One Too Many Children
Image: Kiwa There is this woman in the neighborhood I currently reside in. She has a shop where she sells provisions, food items and…wait for it…even fuel! Her shop is right at the corner and every time I have passed her shop on my way back from anywhere, there always seems to be a myriad of people she is attending to. Let me put this out there…I like her hustle. She is a mother of four kids, with a bulging belly that announces a fifth. A first born son, a second daughter and twin girls make up her brood. Her son should be maybe six while the twins are just learning to walk so I will peg them at less than a year. This is what I don’t like. Every single time I have had reason to pass by her shop or buy something from her, I have taken note of something off with the way she handles her children. First with the twins. They are always so dirty-looking. Their hair – what little they have – is almost always covered with mud. Their clothes are a study in filth and because you can bet they are never wearing diapers, their panties are always an eyesore. What completely freaks me out is that I have never seen either of the girls with both pair of shoes. One twin is always with the right pair and the other with the left. I cannot imagine the kind of callouses those babies will have, seeing how bad our road is. And those babies are alwayson the road! I can count the number of times I have seen bikes and tricycles and even cars break quickly to avoid hitting them. When this happens, the mother just screams for the older brother who gets his sisters out of the way and gets back to whatever has his attention. The son worries me too. He is always playing – which isn’t a bad thing – but his level of disregard for people is alarming. It isn’t unusual for him to shove people aside (without as much as an apology) when he wants to get into the shop. And when he gets into his play time, he forgets he has baby sisters. Yes, he is a baby himself but you can see he doesn’t seem to care about the twins. He can watch them play with fecal matter or walk towards the road where a vehicle is approaching and would only do something when his mother, or a neighbor, shouts in alarm. The person I worry most about is the second child who takes off for hours and returns when she feels like. I know this because I have seen her mother beat her couple of times for going somewhere and only returning at night. She reprimands her and the very next day, the child is out again. This is scary because of the number of sick individuals we have out there. Someone who knows the girl can go out and return when she likes may set an ambush for her; an ambush that may be lead to her kidnap or sexual abuse. What does the mother do in all these? Apart from the occasional shout, she seems to just let her children be. There are times when the babies are crying and she looks away. I must say I believe she cares for her children; she gets them food and changes the babies clothes when it is super dirty. But she is overwhelmed. Managing one kid is a lot of work, managing four hyperactive kids with one on the way can be too much. In the three months since I have been in this neighborhood, I haven’t seen a father figure who should be helping out with the kids. Apart from members of the community helping out here and there, she is basically doing all she can on her own. Here is what I feel. Parents should be able to care for their children or provide the means to have them cared for. Those children are at great risks because their mother is overwhelmed. Though the road is bad, it does not stop a reckless driver from going fast if (s)he chooses. Also, any number of things can make a vehicle skid out of control. What happens if these kids are waddling across the road when something horribly bad happens? And these are babies! They shouldn’t have to live in filth when there are a myriad of diseases they can contract from the harmful microorganisms that abound in dirt? And though I mentioned the possibility of sexual assault for the second child, the truth is, all the children are at risk. While I advocate for minding your business, there are cases where we just shouldn’t. Here is my dilemma. How do I convey this worry to the mother without coming off as a ‘busybody’, ‘akproko’ or ‘gossip’? How can we get parents to space their birth so they are better able to deal with raising each of their children properly? Would it be fair to report to social services, knowing that the woman cares for her children but is overwhelmed? This has been plaguing me for weeks now and I would really like advice. What can a sister do?
Top Posts This Week
Hey guys. So this week was full! We had a lot of things that we talked about and we were excited to have you follow us on this journey. We crossed the 30000 view mark and we are excited about this achievement. With your continued love and support, we are heading for the furthest part of the galaxy. Thank you darlings. So these were the top stories, pieces, videos and the likes we had on our various platforms. On the blog; 1. We started the week by sending a letter to parents on how important they are in building their children’s self-worth and esteem. It was a no holds barred kinda piece and you should check it out if you ever want to be or are already a parent; 2. For #TalkTuesday, we looked at catcallers and wondered what you thought of them; 3. Wednesday, November 16, was International Day of Tolerance and we expressed why we MUST tolerate one another regardless of race, religion, tribe, strata, gender or sexual orientation and finally; 4. The gruesome mob killing of a boy (or man if the news is to be believed) prompted us to talk about the possibilities that we may all be murderers. It was pretty serious stuff on the blog but the podcast was more fun. We; 1. Celebrated BLESSING TIMIDI for her work on activism and human rights, with special bias to women and children and; 2. Did a throwback of our 5 favorite R’n’B songs of the 90s done by Divas; the good type. Or in Mariah Carey’s case, just Diva. And because our founder, Ramatu Ada Ochekliye, was one of the facilitators for the Save Our Women Foundations’ “RUNNING WITH A PURPOSE CONFERENCE 2016”, she shared excepts from her lecture on our vlog channel. She spoke on ‘SOCIAL MEDIA: LOOKING THROUGH THE MEDIA LENS’ and shared the excerpts in a four part series broken down below; 1. GIRLS AND SOCIAL MEDIA; 2. CHALLENGES GIRLS FACE ON SOCIAL MEDIA; 3. PRIVACY ON SOCIAL MEDIA and; 4. WHY SOCIAL MEDIA IS IMPORTANT FOR GIRLS. We also finally decided to be on Instagram and yes, we know we are 2000 and late! But we are here now, so follow us at shadesofbrownng. So this is an overview of all the things we did this week. Which is your favorite piece? Catch up on our work and enjoy the rest of your weekend!
Dear Parents, Here Is Some Much Needed Advice
Image: Parent Pump Radio Dear parents, First, congratulations on having that child or those children. It must have been nerve-wracking going through the process of carrying and birthing your children. It should even be scarier trying to raise those kids to be stellar individuals who you can be proud of. Well done indeed. Having said that, there are some things you need to learn if you are to be a wonderful parent. This has nothing to do with changing diapers or effectively calculating sleeping and eating pattern. No; let the books educate you on those. This has to do with developing your children’s personalities and temperament. 1. You are your children’s FIRST ROLE MODELS; While this is self-explanatory, it begs to be explained. You need to show your children how to be responsible by doing your share of house chores and contributing your share of the finances. Let them know that whether they are boys or girls, they each have duties and responsibilities to the family. If you do not, your boys will learn to expect women to take care of them and your daughters would think their lives should revolve around taking care of their men. Do not hit your spouse or be violent in any way to them. Of course there are days when you will quarrel and have heated arguments but as much as you can, do this away from the children. Let them learn to respect each other because you respect each other and yourselves. Don’t go about fighting each other in public when you can sort out your issues privately. Don’t go teaching your children that it is okay to be deliberately taunting and nagging and rude. It is not a good look for anyone. Get a job, or a business or an advocacy organization and spend your time on more meaningful things than house chores while watching Telemundo, ZeeWorld or Super Sports. Teach your girls to aspire for more than being a kept woman who depends on her husband for every single thingshe needs. That is no way to live and that is no way to raise your daughters. It is also no way to raise your sons who might grow up to expect women to depend on them for all they need. Teach your children that marriage is a partnership, with each partner contributing time, energy, and financesto the process. 2. You are the first to BUILD YOUR CHILDREN’S SELF-ESTEEM AND WORTH; Many parents are okay telling their children that they are ‘stupid’, ‘foolish’, ‘a dunce’ or even more derogatory terms. This is wrong! No child is stupid. They may do stupid things but that doesn’t make them stupid. Understand that each child is different and learns at their own pace. Don’t force your children to all excel at mathematics when one may love French more. Find out what each child is capable of and reaffirm their self-worth by making them better at it. Also, you need to let your children learn to do things by themselves. You should allow them try to solve problem without needing you there. These problems could be algebra or bullying. What you should do is tell them that you trust their abilities and their decision and help them understand that sometimes, it is okay to be wrong. There are parents who tell their kids that they are ugly or too black or have long or wide mouths or slit eyes or are too fat and stuff like that. Well…don’t! These seemingly simple utterances go a long way in cementing your child’s self-worth. As they grow up, these words will make them feel insecure in a society that thrives on insecurity. And when your kids are insecure, they become susceptible to all sorts of vices to make them feel better about themselves. 3. Your child should NOT HAVE TO EARN YOUR LOVE; It is a known fact that parents do not love their children equally and have favorites but never show your children that! Love each of your children as equally as you can and better than that, your children should not have to earn your love. It is unnatural for children to do things to make you love them. Loving them should come as naturally as breathing. This means that you shouldn’t threaten to withdraw your love when they do wrong and even worse, tell them as some parents do, that they wish the kids were never born. How is a child to feel loved when these are done? How is a child to thrive? And yes, some children can be very trying but that is no excuse to make them work at getting your love. You should be able to understand the dynamic nature of each child and use that dynamism to make your relationship with them better. 4. Your child should respect (NOT FEAR) you; Most African parents thrive on instilling fear into their children. Their children are not allowed to have opinions of their own and must cower when these parents talk. Well guess what? They are your children, not your slaves or puppets! When children fear their parents, they hide things from them and in some instances, hate them. Such children cannot wait to leave their homes and when they do, they almost always never return. They will also keep communication at the barest minimum because no one likes to constantly have to face their fears. Respect is very different from fear. It is respect that will make a child do what you ask. And this respect has to be mutual! That you brought that child into the world is no reason to be disrespectful to them. You must treat them like fully functional human beings who have a right to their own thoughts, opinions and ideologies. The plus side to this is, if you respect each other, your children and other people you meet, your children will most likely pick your ideologies as theirs too. 5. Tell your children YOU LOVE THEM; African parents are
Dad, Mum…You Failed Us! (2)
Family Praying in a Church.Image: The Catholic Sun To get acquainted with the Jatau family, flip to the beginning; ‘DAD, MUM…YOU FAILED US!’ She returned with chilled glasses of orange juice for everybody. ‘I diluted yours Dad, Mum. Y’all are too old for such sweetness.’ No one but Oliver seemed ready to take their drinks. Oliver gulped his and reached out to take Annabel’s. The look she gave him would have quelled a more sensitive man. He shrugged and reclined further into his seat. Elizabeth felt she could continue. ‘Mum, as much as you love us, you do not want us to have a mind of our own. You want us to look like you and act like you do. My personality is similar to yours but even at that, we are very different. The more different we are to you, the less tolerant you are of our views. You may have taught us to be strong women, but you only want us to be strong as long as we are not going against you. That is not fair mummy.’ ‘You asked me for my view before you divorced dad and that was the only moment I felt connected to you.’ Annabel continued immediately. ‘You spoke to me like an adult and when I told you I would rather have you alive than dead, I meant it. I am also glad that you did not wage a custody battle for us. You knew that, with the messed up constitution we have, you would not have stood a chance’. Annabel gave a sign and her sisters came to her. They were now facing their parents again. ‘There are so many issues that we can mention but we will let them slide for now. This is the summary. Dad, you were not a good father to us. You were selfish, unbothered and inappropriate with us. Gosh! You used to bring your girlfriends to the house for sleepovers! You disrespected us and treated us no better than strangers. Mum, you took your anger out at us and sometimes beat us to the point of abuse. We understand that you grew up in a different generation with different values and different ways of life but we have friends whose parents were in your generation and are completely different from you!’ After a quick breath, Annabel continued. ‘Dad, Mum…’ her sisters rallied closely around her. Robert stiffened. Something major seemed about to happen. Mr. Jatau looked up and looked at each of his daughters. For the first time that night, he also looked at his ex-wife. They shared a look and quickly looked away. Somehow, they knew that the next words out of Annabel’s mouth would shatter them…probably more than they could bear. The tears started flowing again from Annabel’s eyes. ‘…I am not getting married. There is no one coming in for any introduction. This was just a ruse to get both of you in one room to talk about this family.’ It was Oliver who reacted first. ‘What?! WHAT?! ARE YOU MAD?! ALL THE HUGE PREPARATIONS AND NOTHING IS HAPPENING?!’ ‘Shut up Oliver!’ both parents shouted. It was a sync that was long coming! Oliver shut up faster than a hat could drop. He mumbled a bit to himself and finally became quiet. Mr. Jatau looked sharply at his children and sat up straighter. A shiver of fear ran down their spines; all of them. They might all be grown up but they knew that no one messed with their father. ‘Can you say that again?’ His voice was quiet yet menacing. Annabel couldn’t find her voice. She was shivering and fidgeting. She looked at her sisters and Robert. Robert looked away. Sandra squeezed her hand and Elizabeth coughed. No one seemed willing to be the one who would dare respond. As Annabel fidgeted, Elizabeth cleared her throat and continued. ‘You know how in Africa, you don’t just marry the girl/boy, you marry the family? Well, you raised us poorly and worse, you put your business out there for everyone to see so, if we were to go by your history and African values, we are not a family that anyone would like to marry into.’ Drawing courage from Elizabeth, Annabel found her voice. ‘You messed up our lives. You refused to think of our future. Many men have come for my hand and turned away because their family didn’t want such a dysfunctional family as in-laws. So I only dated men who were as broken as I was so that I wouldn’t have to face the pain of rejection again. Our family is too warped to be good enough for any other African family. And that is why we are here today.’ She paused to fill her lungs. After exhaling slowly, she continued. ‘We grew up hating you; most especially me. I hated you dad, as much as I hated mum. I couldn’t stand you. As soon as I got an opportunity to leave the house, I left for good. I wouldn’t have come back home if Sandra hadn’t spoken to us’. She looked up at Sandra and smiled. She ruffled her hair and faced their parents again. ‘She might be the youngest, but she is the wisest of us all. She has been praying for the restoration of this family and when she came to live with me a year ago, she got me talking about this family. Soon, we invited Elizabeth and Robert and we started having family sessions to iron things out.’ ‘You might have hurt us but it turned out for good. We are all intelligent, independent girls who have learned to be the best to ourselves and to the world. While we suffered lack in the house, we never resorted to selling our values for our needs. We learned to make do with what we had and have. Most other girls would have thrown them self at any Tom, Dick or Harry to make ends meet. Not us! Our situation made us develop self-esteem that was far above what
