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It starts with a long distance relationship that wasn’t working. Adon and Jason try to make things work and just when they think they are in a good place, Jason has an accident that makes him fall in love with Amara. When he returns to his senses, it is to find Adon is with child. For his best friend? The answer shocks him. He tries again and somehow, they end up together again. And then reality strikes.
Jason looked at Adon as she slept. She was beautiful! Like the first time they shared a bed, he marveled at how innocent she looked when she slept. She wasn’t the strong woman who could take on anything and anyone who dared to cross her. No. When she slept, she became…normal.
He smiled…and let his gaze trail down the length of her body. She had filled up after the birth of their child. He paused. When he promised himself to her a little over two years ago, he didn’t know how easy it would be to love a child that wasn’t his. He thought he was going to struggle to find affection for Karla. But from the moment he held her in his arms, he knew that he loved her; almost as much as he loved her mother.
One of Adon’s breasts had escaped the top of her bustier and he felt the stirrings of desire beginning to harden him. He wanted her; bad. But he knew it was a bloody waste of time.
Frustrated, he got out of bed and headed to the bathroom. He was tired of cold showers and bloody getting himself off. His resolve had gone to shit and if things didn’t improve soon, he was going to have to seek satisfaction outside his home, his bed and the warm body of his wife.
***
Adon heard him go to the bathroom. She knew what he was going to do. She remembered the first time she heard the grunts from the bathroom. She remembered how ashamed of herself she had been, how inadequate she had felt. And every time she heard the familiar thud of the closing bathroom door, she felt worse.
Not today.
This time, she was pissed the hell off. Not at him of course. At herself! Why couldn’t she get past this?! It had been more than three years?! Why couldn’t she let herself accept another man, even one she so desperately loved?
Well today, it ends.
She got out of bed and went to the bathroom door. She knew if she knocked, she would lose steam. So she opened and barged in.
***
Jason was shocked at the intrusion. He had been scrolling through porn sites looking for something to excite him and nothing was working. Tonight, he knew the only release he wanted was inside Adon. He was sick and tired of getting off by himself. He hated how he felt whenever he did that and he just wanted to be with and ease into the woman he loved.
The woman he loved was right in front of him, breasts about to bust from her transparent bustier, hair a mess, and a determined expression on her face.
He raised one eyebrow as she dropped her panties. Before he could so much as get up, she was on his lap, kissing him with a fervency like he had never seen.
Jason didn’t even need to think about it. He kissed Adon right back.
***
Adon was breathing hard. So was Jason. His was more labored, but he didn’t get up from atop her body. Every time he drew breath, Adon could feel him become angrier. She didn’t want to cry, but the tears had a mind of their own.
As soon as Jason felt the tears on his shoulders, he pulled away from Adon. He thought of the crazy frenzy with which he took her from the toilet seat to their bed. He thought of slowing himself down, even though he wanted to bury himself in her immediately. He had gone through the motions; caressing her, kissing her all over, watching her spasm with pleasure as his tongue worked its magic.
And then he saw himself, hearing her beg him to take her, placing himself above her at the entrance of her core, preparing to go in gently…and meeting the same thing that had been happening since they got married two years ago.
Her body stiffened and she wouldn’t let him in. And like the previous times, the more he tried to get in, the tighter she became until she was in excruciating pain.
Adon pulled the covers around her as she watched him pull on his boxers.
‘Baby…’
‘Don’t. Just don’t.’
Adon got off the bed and went to him.
‘I can take the pain. Please, just do it. Baby, pl-‘
She stretched her hand to touch him.
He turned to her in rage.
‘And do what?! Rape you?! Is that what you want?!’
Adon stepped back, appalled.
Jason turned away from her and pulled on a sweatshirt. He quickly pulled on pants and slipped his legs into some trainers.
Adon hadn’t moved. She watched him through the haze of tears as he walked towards the door.
‘Baby…’
He stopped, refusing to look at her.
‘I am sorry Adon. I can’t do this anymore.’
And he walked out of the bedroom.
It was 1am in the morning. Adon felt her heart stop.
***
Jason didn’t return home for a week and Adon was beside herself with worry. She didn’t call him though. He didn’t call her either. She consoled herself with the knowledge that if something had happened to him, someone would have contacted her.
So Jason was fine. Which meant that he stayed away because he was truly done with her? Adon cried until nothing could come out again.
Then she got mad. And sustained that anger until she heard the front door opening.
Jason.
Adon was glad she had showered an hour ago and smelled fresh. She was glad he didn’t get to see her in the terrible state she had been before.
As his footfalls got closer, she debated whether to feign sleep or just stand at akimbo. ‘Wait! Why am I acting weird?! I am just going to get his over with.’ Adon said to herself.
So she draped her leg over the side of the bed, positioning her back to the door and against him.
The door opened.
‘Hi.’
She didn’t turn.
Jason sighed and walked towards the bathroom.
‘I want a divorce.’ Adon said with a note of finality to her voice.
Jason froze. He dropped his hand from the door and turned to her.
‘You would like that, wouldn’t you? So typical.’
‘Excuse me?! What the fuck did you just say?’
Adon jumped up and faced him, clearly itching for a fight. And Jason just pulled the trigger.
‘I said, it is typical for you to want to run away from a problem instead of solving it.’
‘You are one to talk. You left this house a week ago! Where were you, Jason? Where?! Oh no! Don’t bother answering! I am sure you went to another woman. Someone who could please you, give you all the sex I can’t. Didn’t you?! Didn’t you?!’
Jason sighed; deflated.
‘I was at my parent’s. I needed to clear my head so I didn’t make any rash decisions. I should have called…’
Adon turned away.
‘Doesn’t matter anyway. I have my bags packed and I am leaving. I called my attorney and they should serve you the pa-‘
She didn’t react in time to get out of Jason’s way. Next thing she knew, he was shaking her.
‘No! I will not let you run away again. Not this time, not ever!’
He let her go.
In one quick dash, Adon was out of the room. Jason didn’t waste a second. Just as she got to the kitchen door and began opening it, Jason got to her and slammed the door right back. Adon was trapped.
‘When will you stop acting like a baby? This bullshit is played out. We went through hell to find each other and you think that at the slightest problem, you will just drop a divorce bomb and expect me to accept it? No!’
‘Nobody is asking you to accept nothing! When the papers come, you can sign…or not. I am out!’
‘No you aren’t! I was a jerk and I messed up but this isn’t worth ending our marriage.’ He stopped shouting. ‘I didn’t mean to be gone that long. I was hurting so bad and I knew I would hurt you even more if I stayed around. I am sorry. And I promise you, I wasn’t with any woman. I haven’t been with any other since we got back together. Technically, I haven’t been with any woman but you get my point.’ Jason said, the hint of a smile in his voice.
Adon hit his chest.
‘I deserved that.’
She hit him again.
‘Hey! That is domestic violence. I could ruin you with this.’
A smile flirted on Adon’s lips. But she didn’t want to smile. She was still so mad and she didn’t want him to think that it was that easy to make her cave.
Jason pressed closer to her. He knew the effect he had on her and he was willing to exploit it if it meant she would forgive him.
‘I am really sorry, Baby. I was frustrated beyond words. I thought it was finally going to happen and when it didn’t, I felt inadequate. And I know I shouldn’t have said the…’ he lowered his eyes ‘…rape thing. That was foul. I am really sorry, Love. Forgive me?’
He looked at her. She returned his look. She was going to say yes. Adon knew it. So did Jason.
‘No!’
The shock on Jason’s face was her undoing. She laughed hard and wrapped her hands around him.
‘Woman! Do you want to give me a coronary?! Like why would you do that?!’
He put his hands around her, enveloping her in a bear hug. They stayed like that for a while; he, smelling her hair, absorbing her warmth and basking in their companionship; and she, glad that he came back, because she couldn’t imagine life without him.
Adon was the first to break their companionable silence.
‘What are we going to do about this, Babe?’
Jason breathed out. ‘We need to talk to someone.’
***
Dr. Kamala Harrison didn’t want to prod. She wanted the conversation to be organic but Adon Ogbeche didn’t seem about ready to talk. It was so easy to see how much she was hurting; despite the cool, calm and collected front she was putting up. Her husband had just shared his sexual frustrations and she listened, her head down, saying nothing. When Dr. Kamala asked what her responses was to her husband’s questions, she went quiet; as she has been doing for the past week.
‘Baby…we can’t keep coming here if you are not going to talk.’ Jason said quietly, a hint of sadness lacing his voice.
Adon removed her hand from his.
‘Adon, I can see that you are hurt. Help me understand why. And before you say anything, I want to remind you that you are under no pressure to talk. But you and your husband are paying a sizeable sum coming to see me for an hour every day. While it means a lot to get your money, it is more important that I am able to help you work through your problem. So…I would rather have you doing better in a day than taking your money for months on end. But…whenever you are ready.’
Jason turned slightly to Adon. And for the first time since they started seeing the psychiatrist, he could see that Adon was about to crumble. She was shaking slightly and the moment she tried to steel herself against showing any emotion was the moment the first tear drop rolled down her face. Jason reached out to hold her and she flinched.
‘Don’t touch me.’
Dr. Kamala gave him a sign and he let her be.
‘Kilian had been nice to me. He was the first friend I made as soon I got to the University of Bern. He helped me register, get an apartment and even move.’
Jason had a puzzled expression on his face. Dr. Kamala could see that this was something Adon had not shared before; even with him
‘I came to understand that it was his MO. He deliberately sought out African girls who started their Masters Program at the University. He was especially interested in Nigerian girl because he thought that we were much more desperate to stay in their country, so he could do just about anything.’
Adon sniffed. Dr. Kamala took the tissue box from her side and gave it to Adon. Jason collected it and pulled out one for his wife. Adon took it and looked up at him. It took all of Jason’s strength not to wrap her in his arms. It had finally dawned on him what Adon was about to share.
Adon blew out her nose.
‘The party was supposed to “open me to the university’s social culture”; or so Kilian said. For the first time in weeks, I was genuinely excited for something. And because of the issues Jason and I were having at that point, I felt like this was the break from reality that I needed. Even though I was nervous about meeting new people, I felt that I had a new friend and as such, I could handle anything that came my way. So that night in April, I dressed up and went to the party at Kilian’s.’
Adon had stopped crying. She was staring into the space above Dr. Kamala’s head and boring a hole into the rug with her heel. Dr. Kamala glanced at her watch and saw that the Ogbeche’s had a little over 15 minutes left on their time. This was usually the point where she warned her clients of the remaining time. She knew she wasn’t going to do so with them. The breakthrough she was getting today is not something she wanted to lose momentum on.
‘As soon as we got to the party, Kilian was all over me, offering alcohol and a dance. I laughed and reminded him I didn’t drink. “Say what? Guess we have to spoil you today, right?” And I wondered, why not? There was nothing wrong with breaking my own rules; after all, just how much damage can one drink cause? But here is the thing though; nobody tells you that when you drink a cocktail laced with Rohypnol, you may begin to feel muscle relaxation or loss of muscle control, have difficulty with your motor movements, feel drunk, have problems talking, be confused, become dizzy and even lose consciousness. Nobody tells you that you may even never remember what happened to you while you were drugged. And of course, why would anyone tell you that?! Why would anyone tell you that they needed all that to happen to you so they can rape you?!’
Dr. Kamala flicked her gaze to Jason. He was watching the floor but could she see the telltale signs of flowing tears. He seemed to shrink himself in a state of powerlessness; an emotion that mirrored what was Adon was showing.
‘Thing is, they could have gotten away with it. I wouldn’t have remembered and even if I woke up the next morning feeling sore in my vagina, I would have assumed I made out with somebody. It wouldn’t have been my character to do so, but I would have assumed that is what I did. But no! They had to record it and upload on the university’s social site. They had to show how three of them conquered me, how powerless I was to their abuse of my body, and how utterly ruined they made me.’
Adon looked at Jason as she uttered the last statement.
‘Do you feel that you are ruined?’ Dr. Kamala asked.
Adon laughed.
‘I don’t have to feel it to know that I have been ruined. My goodness! That is why we are here, right? I am sexually broken and I cannot do anything about it. I am ruined.’
Adon had started crying again. She used the back of her hands to wipe the tears away. And then she raised her head up defiantly, seeming to dare anyone to call her weak, and trying oh so hard to stop her lips from quivering and her body from shaking.
Jason looked defeated. Dr. Kamala could see that he wanted to go to his wife. But he didn’t; and somehow, they all knew why.
‘Okay.’ Dr. Kamala began, knowing that the best way to get through to Adon was to treat her like she hadn’t just cried her soul out, like she hadn’t just shown “weakness”. ‘Did you enjoy sex with your husband before this incident?’
Adon looked at Jason, who wouldn’t look at her.
‘We haven’t ever had sex.’
Dr. Kamala couldn’t hide the shock on her face. Her slightly parted lips and the gasp that escaped from her mouth made Adon laugh. And then she started crying again. Jason fixed his eyes on a spot above Dr. Kamala’s head and just stared.
‘Okay. I think that we should just start at the beginning.’ Dr. Kamala quipped with an uncomfortable laugh.
Adon started talking. She shared how they had first met, how they became friends, when they started dating and why she had decided to wait until they were married before having sex. Adon also shared how she had been with so many men first, because of the thrill of it and then because she had wanted to control the outcome of every relationship she had with any man. When she and Jason had decided to wait, it was because she didn’t want Jason to be another random guy between her thighs whom she could easily walk away from.
And then Jason had the accident. And his memory had been affected. And then he had almost married Dr. Amara. When they finally got back together, she was pregnant with Karla.
And now, they were here.
Dr. Kamala had regained her composure.
‘You said you had had sex with other men before. Were they able to penetrate all the way in?’
Adon looked at Jason and saw him tense up. ‘Yes.’
Jason flinched. Adon looked away from him.
‘So when will you say this problem started?’
Adon looked down and sighed. ‘I don’t know. I haven’t been with anyone in a long while so, I don’t know.’
‘Was the last person you slept with able to penetrate?’ Dr. Kamala pressed.
‘Well…’ Adon scrunched her face, willing herself to remember. ‘Yes. It seems like a lifetime ago but Ahmed went all the way in.’
‘You didn’t have to mention his name.’ Jason said under his breath.
‘What was that?’ Dr. Kamala asked.
Jason was curt. ‘Nothing!’
Dr. Kamala looked at Jason…and then at Adon…and back to Jason.
‘I see that is a sore spot for you. But let us focus a bit on what Adon is sharing. Let me get this straight…you had regular sex with people until the rape happened and since the rape, you haven’t been able to have sex and penetration has been impossible, right?’
Adon looked uncertain. ‘I guess.’
‘Hmmm…’ Dr. Kamala wrote down something.
‘“Hmmmm?” Does that mean something?’ Jason asked.
‘It could be the key to solving this problem. Give me a minute to process my thoughts.’
With that, Dr. Kamala got up and walked out of her office.
Left alone, Adon and Jason seemed at loss as to what to do with themselves. Jason tittered a bit, trying to lighten the mood. Adon didn’t even spare him a glance. Her gaze was fixed on a spot on the wall and she looked genuinely lost. Just as Jason was about to say something to her, Dr. Kamala returned. She took her seat.
‘Adon, I think what you are experiencing is called Secondary Vaginismus. But first, let me explain what Vaginismus is. In simple terms, Vaginismus is a condition involving a muscle spasm in the pelvic floor muscles. It can make it painful, difficult, or impossible to have sexual intercourse, to undergo a gynecological exam, and to insert a tampon. It can be caused by physical stressors, emotional stressors, or both and it can become anticipatory, so that it happens because the person expects it to happen. Let me focus on the emotional triggers because that is what I think is affecting you. They can include fear, anxiety, relationship problems, if sex was depicted as the ‘nasty thing’ during childhood and traumatic experiences like rape. In your case, I am deducing that you may be experiencing secondary Vaginismus because you have had penetrative sex before and this began to happen after you were raped. So this is what I am thinking. Vaginismus does not prevent people from becoming sexually aroused, but they may become anxious about sexual intercourse, so that they try to avoid sex or vaginal penetration. When you were raped, you had no control over the situation. And even though you were drugged, you somehow think that you should have been in control. This is not unusual for rape victims; as most rape victims think it was somehow their fault and maybe if they had changed one thing leading up to the moment, maybe they would not have been raped.’
Adon looked down…and nodded.
‘As soon as Jason wants to come into you, your mind exacts the control it thinks it lost by clenching the walls of your vagina until it is an impenetrable fortress. It is my view that your mind is still stuck in that day and it is fighting back. You didn’t have control then. And I can tell that you always like to be in control. You want your emotions in check. You want your reactions in check. You want your life in check. And that incident was one where you were not in the slightest bit in control. So your mind broke.’
This time, Jason didn’t hold back. He went to his wife and enveloped her in his embrace. And she melted into his arms. For the first time that evening, Adon let herself breakdown. Jason held her tighter, absorbing the spasms from the sobs racking through her body and letting his own tears run into her hair.
Dr. Kamala had tears in her eyes. In her 25 years of medical practice – first as a general practitioner and then a psychologist – she had heard so many stories and seen so many sad cases. But this was her undoing. She had never seen close up what it meant for a control freak to lose it. She was as saddened as she was embarrassed at seeing Adon break down like that. She got up and walked out of the office. Anyone would think she wanted to give the couple privacy but she knew she wanted to regain her composure.
She returned 10 minutes later to find Jason and Adon in the same position, with Adon shaking less and Jason no longer crying.
‘What can be done about this?’ Jason asked.
‘Now, we understand that this is psychological even though I will recommend more tests. We have to rule out the possibilities that it is only triggered by a penis. When we can confirm that, we will begin with some pelvic floor control exercises. They are fairly easy to do; some muscle contractions, relaxations and maybe even some Kegel. We will continue to have these conversations where we will try to rewire your brain to see sex as pleasurable instead of an invasion and abuse of your body. Physically, I will suggest that Jason begins to try to insert his finger into your vagina. I am not saying go all in at once.’ Dr. Kamala paused to see how Adon would take that. She seemed okay with it. ‘Okay then. I expected a no but this means you also really want to make this work. So Jason, I am suggesting a lot of clitoral foreplay and then a little trace around the opening of her vagina. Go in only as much as she would let you. We are going to retrain her vagina – and her mind – to accept something being inserted into it. And by we, I mean you.’
Jason and Adon tittered. Adon untangled herself from Jason’s embrace but remained with her head on his shoulder.
‘When she has been able to take your whole finger, we will move on to something bigger; a dildo maybe…something smaller than a penis but bigger than your finger. We will increase the size until we have something akin to your size and then we will try penile penetration. Now Jason, I have to warn you, there will be many frustrating days ahead. Even though you are trying to help, you will still be experiencing the burning need to be inside her. And she may get to the point where she takes a big dildo but still reject you. So it is a lot of grueling work ahead. What you can do Adon is try other things; oral sex, hand jobs or even a thigh one. These are so Jason isn’t frustrated in the long run. All this may work for a short time… or a very long one. There is no specific date that we can say is when she will be ready to have your penis inside her Jason, so you have to be ready for this. This brings me to my question: is this something you are willing to do?’
Jason turned to Adon. She looked at him and nodded; slightly.
Still looking at her, Jason replied. ‘Yes. I would do anything for her. I will do anything for you, Adon. I love you.’
‘I love you too, Jason.’ Adon whispered.
‘We are ready.’
Dr. Kamala looked at her time and realized that they had spent four hours in this session. She smiled.
‘Okay then. Here is what you need to start with.’
***
They had been at it for two months. Jason still wasn’t able to get his whole finger into Adon’s vagina. She clenched every time he tried and sometimes, the force of each clench was scary, even to Jason. And she felt bad afterwards, and was always trying to do the most to make him cum.
Jason was frustrated alright. But it wasn’t for him. He was frustrated because of how sad it was making her. She would go days moping and even their daughter could tell something was wrong with her.
It had been a week since they last tried to do anything.
***
Adon could tell that Jason was frustrated. When she so much as looked at him sensually, he would get hard, only to end up in disappointment. She was trying but the last time they had been together – was it a week already? – Jason had refused to let her go down on him after another failed attempt at getting her to open up for his finger. He just pulled her into his arms and rocked her gently.
Was he done with her?
***
Dr. Kamala looked at both of them and could tell that there was some fission between them. She decided to try a different approach.
‘Tell me about Killian.’
Both Adon and Jason jolted their heads up. A flash of anger crossed Adon’s face.
‘What is that about?’ Jason asked.
‘I want you to tell me how you feel about Killian, Adon. No holds barred.’
Adon gritted her teeth. ‘I don’t feel anything about him.’
The anger emanating from Adon was palpable.
‘Oh. But that isn’t true now, is it?’
Adon hissed. ‘Why are you asking me this? What has this got to do with anything?’
‘Well…I think I have been handling this the wrong way. Yes, your need for control is one of the problems, but it isn’t the only problem. You are angry; very. I am sorry for missing that. So yes…I want us to talk about the man who raped you.’
‘Men.’ Adon said under her breath.
‘Excuse me?’ Dr. Kamala asked.
‘Men!’ Adon shouted. ‘I was raped by three men! Kilian Matteo, Damian Finn and Lenny Arthur!’
‘But you are only really mad at Killian, aren’t you?’
‘What are you saying?’ Jason looked from Adon, who looked like she was about to bust, to Dr. Kamala.
‘Adon, would you like to do this alone?’ she asked.
‘I am not going anywhere! Whatever this is about, I am going to be here for it.’ Jason responded in a guttural voice.
‘Again…Adon. Do you want to do this alone?’
‘Jason stays. I don’t know what you are talking about. Or why you are making these insinuations.’
‘Are they though? Let me run through my theory and you can say whether I am right or not. You are mad at the other two guys…what were their names?’
Adon didn’t respond.
‘Alright then. You were mad at the other guys but not as much as you were with Killian. I believe that Killian hurt you most because you had liked him…’
‘That is not true…’
‘…he had meant more than the other guys did…’
‘That is a lie…’
‘…and you actually fancied him, maybe wanted a relationship with him, maybe you had even fallen in love with him.
Adon jumped up and screamed. ‘THAT IS NOT TRUE!’
Jason looked and Adon; stared even.
‘It isn’t? I still think it is. I think you didn’t tell us a significant part of the story. When you met, how long you spent bonding and the other things that transpired. Are you willing to talk about it now? Because that is the only way we can solve this problem.’
Adon sat back down and started wringing her fingers.
‘I met him on my very first day at school. He was tall, around 6’4 with blond streaks in his brown hair. As fine men go, he was fine. But his appeal was out of the roof. There he was handing flyers to new students showing a map of the school. I was mesmerized by him, by his gait and his voice as he calmed the ruffled nerves of new students and new entrants into his country. And when he turned to me, my heart stopped.’
Jason moved a bit away from her. She refused to look at him, not wanting to see his face…or whatever reaction was plastered on it.
‘He handed the flyers to Damian and walked straight to me. “I think I should show you around. I am Kilian.” And for the first time since the night when Jason was in Gombe with me, I had the first stirrings of desire. We toured the school building and hostels. He showed me everywhere; the best chipotle joints, where to get the cheapest meals, the gym and the “weed guy”; “if I was into that stuff” as he said. And then we toured the community around the school. He took me to the Nigerian market, to the mall for clothes, the hospital and the night clubs that were rad.
‘And he was so gentle with me. He would open car doors for me, hold my hands to cross the road, pull out chairs at restaurant, carry my bag when we had to walk long distances and place his hand on the small of my back when we went out to dinner. And even though I had never fancied a white man, I was beginning to feel the first stirrings of attachment.’
The tears had begun to fall down. Adon looked at Jason and he wouldn’t look at her. His clenched fist was the only thing that showed he was even listening to her.
‘One night two weeks after we met, we were on our way to a croissant shop and bistro when it started raining. We decided to run back to my hostel – which was closer – but by the time we got there, we were drenched. As we took off our wet clothes, the room thickened with our desire for each other.’
Jason got up and stormed to the door. He opened it and stopped. Then he slammed it shut and remained at the door, back to Adon and hands clenched to his sides.
Dr. Kamala wrote something down.
Adon continued.
‘I walked into his arms and we kissed. And it was all I thought it would be…until he stopped. He told me he really cared about me and that even though he wanted me so much, he wanted us to get to know each other better before we had sex. He kissed me atop my forehead and left.’
Adon had started to heave.
‘I…was…excited.’ she sniffed. ‘I thought the universe was finally helping me get over Jason. That…something…good…was finally coming to my life. Here was a man, I thought, who cared about me, who treated me right, who made me happy and who wanted to wait on having sex. I was happy.’
An edge came into her voice. And she stopped crying.
‘The next day, I received the invite for the party. And you know the rest of it.’
Jason punched the wall. Dr. Kamala rushed to him, but not before Adon got to him.
‘Look at me, Jason.’
He refused to turn.
‘You are bleeding, Jason. Let me get my first aid box.’ And with that Dr. Kamala left the office.
‘Jason, look at me.’
Jason turned, slowly. He still wouldn’t look at her face.
She held his chin. ‘This happened a long time ago. I am sharing what happened in that moment, not what I feel now.’ Dr. Kamala had returned. ‘And this is not your fault. You didn’t cause this. You didn’t make this happen.’
‘Let me fix that hand.’
Jason went back to the couch. Adon sat beside him and held his other hand as Dr. Kamala tended to the injured one.
‘Thankfully, no bones are broken. But you will still have to go to the hospital for a proper checkup. Do you want to reschedule this session?’
‘No.’ Jason uttered as he removed his hands from Adon’s palms.
‘Okay then.’ Dr. Kamala returned to her chair and beckoned Adon to continue.
‘There is nothing more to say.’
‘Hmmm…alright. This is my analysis: Killian reminded you of Jason. He was nice, loving and caring; just like Jason was. You opened up to him because you thought he was going to help you get over Jason. But that wasn’t the only reason. Apart from their skin colors, Jason and Killian are the same people; that is, the façade that Killian presented. So you weren’t trying to start over with Killian; you were trying to fix the problems with Jason. So even though you are saying it wasn’t Jason’s fault, subconsciously, you have drawn parallels between Jason and Killian and you blame Jason a bit.’
‘Is this true?’ Jason looked at Adon.
Adon didn’t respond.
‘I think that the moment Adon realized that she had been raped, and the video uploaded to the school website, she was flung back to the moment when you didn’t recognize her in the hospital, the moment when you pushed her away from your life and chose Dr. Amara, was it? So for Adon, it wasn’t just the physical act of the rape that was a problem. In quick succession, two men, or more appropriately, the man she loved, had broken her heart beyond repair and because she is not one to show weakness, instead of crying about it and letting it go, she filed it into a place and pretended to be fine until her brain couldn’t take it anymore. So, unlike what I thought in the first instance, her vaginismus isn’t necessarily against having a penis inside her; it is about refusing to open herself to you again. Jason, Adon is afraid of being hurt by you. That is the problem.’
‘Is this true?’
Adon looked at Jason and…the tears returned.
‘Why didn’t you remember me? What we shared? How much I was in love with you? Why didn’t our love matter enough to get you out of the PTSD?!’
‘Baby…’
‘You chose Amara! You watched your mother eviscerate me in the hospital. You broke my heart, Jason! But not just that, you broke my spirit!’
Jason moved to hold her and she pushed him away. He didn’t budge. She hit him on the chest. And continued, crying loudly as she tried to remove herself from his embrace. Instead he pulled her in tighter and held her until she stopped crying.
Dr. Kamala wiped the tears that had been falling. ‘Both of you are going to make me lose my license. You are making me cry and that isn’t professional. So stop it!’
Adon was the first to laugh. Jason pulled her away from him a little. ‘Do you want to continue?’
Adon shook her head in the affirmative.
‘Where do we go from here?’
‘I am not going to ask you to forgive Kilian. That is your prerogative. What I will ask is that you separate Jason from Killian. They are not the same people. Kilian was a psychopath who buttered you for a time and went in for the kill. Jason on the other hand had an accident and was suffering from the post traumatic effect of the accident. When the trauma lessened, he remembered you – all of you – and came back. If Killian were to come back, it will most likely be to rape you again. I read all the stories from the trial and I know the judge will agree with me, which is why she gave Killian – and the other guys – 15 year sentences. So there needs to be a separation of these two men in your head. It may start with forgiving Jason; even though it wasn’t his fault. It may also require getting some answers from Kilian…which I think is what you want. Why he picked you, if you meant anything to him, how he could abuse you after all the feelings you shared. I will suggest writing him an email detailing your experience and asking your questions. Mind you, he may not respond at all or may respond with an insensitive email. You have to be ready for that; that is, if you do it.’
Adon looked at Jason and shook her head.
‘I won’t be doing that.’
***
‘I want to see his face when I confront him.’ Adon said as they tucked in their seatbelts.
‘What?!’ Jason turned to her in a flash. ‘Why would you want to do that?!’
‘I have been angry for more than three years now. I have been angry at him and I never said it out loud. In the courts, I was mechanical. I removed myself from the whole thing and I am sure the jury wouldn’t have found him guilty based on my testimony alone. If other girls hadn’t come up and the video wasn’t online, he might have gotten away with it. And in all this time, I never told him he had hurt me or expressed any anger towards him. I don’t think I will completely be healed if I don’t do this.’
Jason sighed. ‘He is in Switzerland.’ He said quietly.
Adon could hear the defeat in Jason’s voice. ‘I know that. And I can go in for two days. See him, say my piece and return home.’
‘And what if he is rubs it in? Wat if he laughs in your face? What if he is violent?’
‘It wouldn’t stop me from saying my piece. The power isn’t with him anymore. I just want to say my piece and return home; to my life, to living.’
Jason started driving. They were silent all the way home. Adon saw how taut his hands were on the steering wheel and the tic in his neck. She could tell that he was angry as he had never been before and that the anger was directed at her. When they got to their gate, Adon turned to him.
‘I know you wish this was over and done with but it isn’t as easy as you want it to happen. Before we got back together, do you know that I had started sleep walking? That I would end up with a knife at my wrist every night for almost 6 months? And I would wake up every time just as the knife pierced my body? Do you know what would have happened if I had slept a little longer or if I had pointed that knife to my growing belly at that time? Baby, Kilian has taken so much from me. With one act where my life hung in his hands, he has broken all the defenses in my life and made me a whimpering shadow of myself. People think that rape victims should just get over it but it stays with us; in our every waking moment and as if to make matters worse, it haunts our dreams every night. I need to do this for my sanity. I need to do this for me. Please.’
‘When do you want to leave?’
Adon looked away from him. ‘I will find out if there is a flight tomorrow.’
The gateman had opened the gates. Jason drove in, parked the car and left the house. Adon watched him walk away and cradled her face as the tears returned.
***
The last boarding call on the Emirates flight from Abuja to Switzerland had just gone out. Adon was the last to get checked in because she had waited to see Jason, who hadn’t returned home since he walked out on her. When she couldn’t wait any longer, she took Karla to her Mum’s and headed to the airport.
As she sat in the plane, she stared out of the window and got lost in her thoughts.
‘Excuse me ma’am, is this seat taken?’
It was the unmistakable voice of Jason. Adon couldn’t hide the shock on her face.
‘What…what are you doing here?’
‘I promised I was going to be here for you, no matter what. So even though I am not happy about his, I am going to be here for you. And if you call me cheesy, I swear, ama burst a cap in your head.’
Adon laughed…and hugged him. He pulled her apart and kissed her; long and hard.
‘Hey you! Get a room!’ a man shouted at them and they laughed.
‘I have to ask though: how on God’s good earth did you get a seat on this flight and to be specific, this seat?’
‘Woman! Just know that you owe me ₦900,000. Let us not even play about it! Tsk!’
Adon laughed a rich laughter.
***
As soon as they walked into the visitor’s area at Strafanstalt Pöschwies in Regensdorf, Adon turned to Jason. ‘You know I love you so much, right?’ Jason nodded. ‘Please let me do this myself.’
Jason looked like he wanted to complain but he didn’t. ‘I will be right here looking out for you, okay?’
Adon nodded and walked to the table she had been assigned to.
The prison grate clanged open and two wardens led Kilian Matteo to her. He was leaner, with a gaunt look in his eyes. His hair which was usually so well coifed was short and scraggly. Aside from that, he looked completely…normal.
‘Well, well, well! I wondered who my visitor was but I didn’t think it would be you. Missed me?’
The guards uncuffed his hands and sat him down.
Adon didn’t say anything.
‘I must say, you look even more ravishing. Fuller you is sexier you. Do you want to come over here and give me a warm, long hug?’
Jason stood up and balled his fists. A warden touched his shoulder and he sat back down.
‘Who is the man giving me the stink look? Did you bring your boyfriend to come see me?’
‘Actually, he is my husband.’
‘Ooooh! She has a husband! She has a husband!’ And he started to clap.
Adon got up and started to leave when Killian’s laughter stopped her in her tracks. ‘You mean you came all this way – with your husband in tow – only to stare at me and leave? Is that how much you missed me? Or were you hoping to have my dick right back inside you? He ain’t pleasing you, right?’
Jason lunged but he was brought down by the warden. ‘You either check it or we kick you out!’ The warden exploded.
Adon turned back to Kilian. ‘For some reason, I wanted to come here and ask why you raped me. I thought my answer would lie in your reason. I felt that I was going to be healed by confronting you. But looking at you right now, I realize that I have just wasted money coming here. You are just a weak, pathetic man.’
Kilian had stopped laughing. Adon continued.
‘I cared for you when I thought we were friends. And maybe because I cared for you is why I didn’t see how…deplorable you were. Look at you! A good looking man who can get any girl he wants and yet, you only pick the ones you can ruin. And for more than three years, you ruined me. But that is over now. I am here to tell you that nothing I did warranted your abuse of my body; not the time I spent with you, not the feelings I thought we shared and definitely not my desire for you. This is all on you. And you are nothing but a weak, psychotic man and that is all you are ever going to be.’
Killian lunged at her and she moved a step back. The wardens quickly held him back as they prepared to return him to his cell.
‘You bitch! You third world nigga bitch! How dare you say that to me? Who the hell do you think you are? I raped you! I watched my friends rape you and it gave me so much pleasure. Oh! I can feel my dick getting hard again at your unconscious body as we took turns with you. I peed on you when I was done, did you know that? That is because you are trash! You are the dirt under my feet! You are nothing but an animal and to think you dared speak to me in such manner? You bitch!’
Adon let out the breath she had been holding.
‘Today, I walk away from the chains that you bound me with. You are not worth my time, my energy or even my thought. I am not even disgusted by you anymore. I pity you. I hope you find the peace you so desperately need because the stench of your life is overwhelmingly…pitiful.’
Adon turned away.
‘Say hello to my child you fucking bitch.’
Adon stopped in her tracks. Then she started laughing. She laughed long and hard. Then she said, ‘Your child?’ You genuinely think you can sire a child? Come on! My child has her father.’ She pointed to Jason. ‘Him! You however, weren’t even a sperm donor. You are just a disgusting excuse of a man. I wish you a great life ahead, Kilian. Goodbye.’
And with that, she walked to Jason as they left the prison.
Killian’s insults didn’t follow them out. It remained with him as he dealt with his own demons.
***
Jason didin’t drive to the hotel.
‘Since we are leaving tomorrow, I want us to have a mini honeymoon. First, we are going to learn to ride a bicycle and by we, I mean you, you big fish! From there, Fraumunster Church, then the Schweizerisches National Museum, and Zoo Zurich, have dinner at the Lake Zurich and if there is still time, I want to see the Bahnhofstrasse at night! Are you excited?!’
Adon looked at him and nodded wanly.
He elbowed her a little. ‘Woman! I have the most epic day planned for us and you will show some excitement or I will have to carry you on my knee and spank you!’
Adon laughed. ‘You may be taller than me but I am bigger than you. You can’t carry me.’
Jason braked hard and stopped the car. He got out of his side, came over to Adon’s, unhooked her seatbelt, pulled her out of the car and hoisted her on his shoulders as he play-spanked her.
Adon laughed and laughed. ‘Put me down! My goodness! Put me down.’
‘What was that you said about me not carrying you? Apologize!’
Adon’s laughter rang through the neighborhood. Some people looked out of their windows.
‘Okay. Okay! I am sorry! Please put me down!’
‘Not until you tell me you are excited about the day I have planned for us.’
‘I am! PUT ME DOWN!’
And Jason obliged her and kissed her deeply as her feet touched the ground.
***
When they retired to the hotel, Adon was sated. She hadn’t had that much fun in a long, long while. She didn’t even shower before she went to bed.
Jason watched her sleep and hoped that underneath all the happiness she had today, she was beginning to heal from the ordeal which she had borne for the last three plus years.
He slept with his head on her belly.
***
‘Baby, come in here!’
Jason bolted out of bed and tried to figure out where the shout had come from. The water in the bathroom was running so he dashed for it…and stopped in his track as soon as he entered.
There were scented candles everywhere and roses littered the floor.
Adon stood under the shower, naked and inviting.
‘I couldn’t reach my back and I wanted you to help me.’
Jason couldn’t move. Her voice was sultry and sensual and he felt how turgid he had become.
Since he didn’t move, she walked out of the tub and headed straight for him. She touched his chest and let her hands stroll down to his boxers, which she gradually began to remove. His breathe caught in his throat as her mouth teased, and enveloped him in her warmth. Then she stopped, held his hand and led him to the bedroom. She pushed him on the bed and sat astride him, holding him as she guided him into her essence.
‘Wait!’ He stopped her, breathing heavily. ‘Are you sure?’
Adon smiled and placed her finger on his lips. Then she took his tip in…and then all of the rest of him and it was all Jason could do not to explode immediate. A moan escaped his lips that was matched only by the one that she let lose.
For the first time since they go involved, they were making love.
And all the fireworks went off.
THE END!
