Side Chick
Woman Screaming.Image: Politics and Fashion Masha Agada got into her car and finally screamed. She had just calmly walked out of her boyfriend’s…no, ex-boyfriend’s house, after telling him it was over. She was shaking vigorously as she gripped the steering wheel. The tears were seconds away from cascading down her eyes, but she had promised she wouldn’t let any man see her cry, especially not the jerk called Nonso. Well…she could cry now; in the comforts of her car. But she wasn’t going to! She gulped in air and tried to steady her nerves. When her heart rate wasn’t shooting off the roof anymore, she put the key in the ignition and slowly pulled out of the street. *** Masha was new to town. She had been transferred by her bank to the Kaduna office in Kakuri. Unlike most people, Masha relished the transfer to Kaduna. She had wanted to leave Port Harcourt and all the drama she had accrued; from the fiancé who had shattered her heart when she caught him cheating, to finding out her boss whom she held in high regards was stealing from the bank. And even though she was one of the hardest working marketers in the bank, her refusal to have sex with many clients meant she often couldn’t meet her monthly target of ₦50 million. It was the perfect excuse for her boss. When he initiated and approved her transfer, it was so he could keep his secret. So when Masha heard Kaduna, she jumped at the opportunity; even though she knew no one there. When Masha finally resumed in Kaduna, she was welcomed with very open arms. It seemed people were falling all over themselves to be friends with her. She quickly felt at home. After her first week at work, she asked one of her colleagues – Annie – about the churches in town. Annie attended Our Family Church and invited Masha to check it out. Masha agreed. On Sunday, she was dressed in her fashion-best and ready to enjoy a great service. When she pulled into the parking lot of the church, she was welcomed with bright smiles and effusive hugs. Masha felt overwhelmed! She hadn’t known church could be such a warm, welcoming place! What part of the world had she been living in?! When she finally entered the church, she gasped in pure delight because the interior decoration was perfect! As the service proceeded, Masha drank in the exuberance of the choir, the message, the way they welcomed new comers and the general atmosphere of service. At the end of service, Masha had decided she was going to be a member of the church. She asked for membership forms and filled them out. When Masha got home that day, she knew she had found a new home. *** After six months undergoing membership training, Masha finally became a full church member. She quickly joined the church choir and totally gave herself to the community. Masha had a triangle of movement: home, work, church, and back home again. Her social life was her church and most times, she only went home to sleep. It wasn’t long before the church started buzzing about the new girl and her dedication to the things of God. With her growing fame, so were her suitors. All types of men came her way. She always turned them down because, for the most part, they were lacking in something she truly desired: better knowledge about God than she had. Most of the men just didn’t quite hit the mark. Many were willing to compromise on issues and most especially on sex. It wasn’t like she was a virgin; she had just made a commitment to God to not have sex again until she was married! So when ‘brothers’ couldn’t get her resolve, she dropped them from her friend list faster than they could holler ‘Hallelujah!’ She deftly parried the advances of the single guys until the day she met Nonso. *** Nonso was not Masha’s dream man. He was short, not conventionally handsome, and had his facial features burned by acne. When he talked, saliva gathered at the edges of his lips. He also walked funny: something that would have been suave with a taller man, but seemed weird with him. What he lacked in physical looks, he more than made up with his voice. When he spoke, he could turn heads and melt hearts. He would have made a great public speaker, but he chose a career in real estate. He was the chief consultant at one of the leading real estate firms, with a knack for ‘sniffing’ what property would rake in millions. He was invaluable to his firm. In church, he maintained an aloof distance, saying he couldn’t be in any department because he was too busy. And because it was a fast-growing church, no one noticed him. When he walked up to Masha, she was ready to brush him off with a quick smile and a harried ‘Hello’ when his voice stopped her in her tracks. Masha was not impressed with his command of English because he tended to use big words where small ones could do. She stayed talking to him only because of the quality of his voice. When she eventually left him, she was glad he hadn’t asked for her number. She just didn’t have the time for men. *** When Masha got called to her boss’ office on Monday, she was not ready for what he was about to dish. ‘So…heard of Barkley’s Real Estate?’ he asked. Masha nodded her head to one side, thinking. ‘Only vaguely.‘ ‘Well, they are the biggest real estate company in the North, with headquarters here. We have been trying to get them to bank with us, to no avail.’ From the tone of his voice, it was easy to see how much he had tried. Masha, thoughtful, replied. ‘Okay…let me study their portfolio and see what strategy we can use to lure them in.’ Her
The Proposal
Image: Xinature The sun kissed the waters in warm, flirty tones. The churning sea returned the kiss with as much fervor, reflecting the purple-burgundy complexion of her lover. The sun was withdrawing its warmth from the corners of the earth as she prepared to take a snooze. The wind, in defiance of the sun, picked up her dance, ruffling the trees clothing the bank of the seas. It wasn’t a surprise when the wind playfully lifted her skirts. She twirled and twirled, laughing, basking in the slowly-cooling dance of the wind and the ebbing heat of the sun. She was happy! It was her first time at the beach. Somehow, she got convinced to take a break from her usually hectic life. She felt so glad that she had come. Only one man could have made her do so. She stopped twirling, turned to him…and smiled. He walked languidly, until he was abreast with her, the squish-squish of the wet sand the only evidence he wasn’t gliding towards her. His smile said it all. He was happy too! And better still, he was happy that he made her happy. Like a child, she squealed in delight and jumped into his arms. He twirled her until she became dizzy. They both fell to the sand in ecstatic laughter. All was right with the world! Roy and Melanie were perfect for each other. They got up and started walking the wave-kissed bank, arm in arm, two love birds enjoying the last of the sun’s glory and the company of each other. Roy stopped Mel. She looked up at his tall, handsome physique, and still managed to blush while smiling. Roy’s face was set in stone. Something was wrong. He stared at Mel with such intensity that she began to fidget. ‘What is wrong baby?’ Roy stared at her for a few more seconds. He then dropped on one knee, taking her left hand. Mel gasped. She tried to pull away from him. He held her hand firmly. ‘Mel…’ he stared at her, his expression like someone who swallowed a wasp. He looked so uncomfortable that Mel wanted to run the other way. He put his hand in the back pocket of his loose slacks. Mel was fidgeted. ‘Roy…don-‘ He put his finger on her lips. ‘Shhhh! don’t speak baby.’ Mel kept quiet. She couldn’t speak if she wanted to. Blood rushed to her head. Roy turned his face away, like he was a king in a drama. Mel wondered if he was acting or really feeling all the emotions his face was showing. He pulled out something and with the toothiest grin ever, and opened his palm. In his hands was a Toblerone chocolate; dark Toblerone. ‘Why on earth don’t you like dark chocolate?’ he asked. Mel nearly died…of relief! She breathed out a huge ‘phewww!’ The blood rushed back to her face and her skin began to look more alive than before. She playfully jabbed him and pulled him up. She ended up hugging him. ‘I almost thought that was a proposal…whewwww! I just did-‘ She paused when she noticed that Roy was more interested in unwrapping the Toblerone than he was in listening to her. He had become all serious again and this time, Mel knew she was in trouble. Roy opened the chocolate and there in the shiny paper lay the most beautiful sapphire ring ever! ‘I love you baby…and I feel like I’ve been in heaven since we started dating. Well, not always heaven, but it is as close as it can get. I want to have this piece of heaven for all eternity. Will you, Melanie Davidson Olaolu, be my wife?’ This time, Mel pulled away from his arm. She took a couple of steps back from him. She had lost all color and happiness, becoming a picture in sadness. Roy could feel her soul disconnecting from him. It wasn’t just a physical pull-out. She began to wring out her fingers, a clear sign that her nervousness was beyond her control. ‘Mel…’ She pulled further away, such that she was no longer fully facing him. ‘Say something…’ Mel looked at him and he saw his answer in her face, her demeanor, and her sad eyes. She didn’t need to say it, but Roy needed to hear it. He needed to know that what he saw was really true. ‘Bae….I’m sorry.’ Roy crumbled, though he remained kneeling, whether by sheer will, or because his brain couldn’t move past the icebox that had suddenly frozen his heart. ‘I am not ready to get married any time soon. I want to wait for at least…’ she looked at his face, his stony expression and she shut up. He got up and stood looking at her. ‘We have been dating for four years. When is the right time to get married? Huh?’ The increase in the pitch of Roy’s voice wasn’t lost on Mel. He was definitely angry! ‘I just…phewww…marriage takes a lot out of a person. It sucks a person until they totally lose themselves in their spouses. With the rate of divorces in the world today, this is not an institution I want to rush into and just jump out when it gets hard; and it will get hard! So…I don’t want to lose myself before I’ve found me.’ She reached out to touch Roy but he shrugged her off. ‘Since you are all about finding yourself and not losing you, I hope it all works out fine because you just lost me.’ He said with certain finality. ‘Goodbye Melanie. Enjoy your great life. And… when you find you, tell her I said she is a coward who is too afraid to get out of her comfort zone and trust a person. You know what? Scratch that! Maybe I just dodged a bullet! Goodbye!’ With that, he stomped off in the direction of his car. The squish of the sand couldn’t remove the determined anger that every step signified. It didn’t matter that that was also Mel’s ride.
Wedding Fever
Image: Fashion of Philly The constant chirping of the phone wakes her up. She tries to get her befuddled mind to block the annoying sound. She reaches for her phone with slow, sleep-dazed movements until she finally finds it. ‘Why wouldn’t it just shut up?’ She thinks to herself. ‘Maybe if I just ignore them, they will go away’. She tucks the phone beneath her pillow to muffle the sound. Silence! Now she can return to her blissful sleep! Just as she snuggles into her very comfortable bed and begins to feel the tentative grip of sleep… ‘Chirrrrrpppppppppp…’ She flails her arms in exasperation and flings her pillow to the far end of the room. ‘WHAT?!’ She shouts as soon as she picks up the phone, looking at her glow-in-the-dark wall clock and realizing that it was three’ O clock.‘Ore mi! Wake up jare! I’ve got the most exciting news!’ Gbemi. She sighs. Gbemi is an overly dramatic lady and it is no wonder that she is calling Mara at 3am. Mara: ‘You do realize it is the middle of the effing night right, yeah?’ Any other person would have quietly dropped the phone and called back. But no…not Gbemi! Gbemi was never phased by Mara.Gbemi: ‘See you! Lazy bones! Wake up and listen jare…’If any one is a lazy bone, it is Queen Gbemisola Aransiola herself! She has never worked a day in her life. Don’t be lolled into thinking she is a spoiled daughter of a wealthy family. Far from it! In fact, Gbemi is from a poor home; well…not piss poor but definitely not middle class comfortable either. Some days, they can afford to eat a little piece of meat and some other days, Garri and Kuli-Kuli (without sugar, milk or even cold water). Mara, lost in thought, doesn’t hear what Gbemi says.Gbemi: ‘…to me and I screamed!’ ‘Gbemi…Sleep still dey my head. Wetin you dey talk?’ Mara asked while muffling a yawn. Gbemi: ‘Mtcheeewwww! Stop forming sleep jare and listen! I said Jafar came over yesterday…’She goes on and on, not realizing that Mara is drifting in and out of sleep. But Mara jolts out of her sleep at one word. ‘…proposed to me! I couldn’t breathe! OMG!…’So that was it! Gbemi was engaged! No surprise there since that had always been her life long dream.Like many girls, Gbemi looked forward to her wedding day. She planned carefully how she’d look, what kind of dress she’d wear, her shoes and accessories and even the reception venue.Like a good number of girls too, every time she went for a wedding, or glanced at a wedding magazine or even watched any of the big society weddings, she always changed her own wedding plans. She lived for that day when she would say the golden words: I DO. Gbemi is a school dropout. She had come to the conclusion that educating a woman was pointless since she would end up as a wife, a mother, a lover, cook, cleaner and home maker. After dropping out, she proceeded to make herself as attractive as was humanly possible so she could catch the ‘highest bidder’ and live the fab life.It was no surprise then that Jafar, son of the wealthy Abdullahi Wasa found her irresistible at a party he attended. What was a surprise was that he remained enamored of her when he discovered her family earned as much as one of his cleaners. Jafar refused to let her go and somehow got his parents to accept her as his girlfriend.Gbemi’s friends, including Mara, thought that he just wanted her for fun. So Mara’s reaction was not from jealousy but shock. Mara: ‘Did you say Jafar proposed to you?’ Gbemi: ‘Duh! Are you suddenly deaf?! He not only proposed, he wants us to be married in three months!’ Mara shot out of her bed. ‘THREE MONTHS?! Are you pregnant or something?!’ Gbemi: ‘Abegi! No jare! I’m not. He just can’t wait to have me all to himself. I’m getting married baby!’When the conversation was over, Mara couldn’t go back to sleep. Gbemi is her best friend and though Mara had begged her to stay in school, she blatantly refused. Gbemi believed that a man was supposed to provide all a woman needs while she takes care of the home front. Mara tried to tell her that she needs to make herself relevant as marriage isn’t the essence of existence. All her pleas fell on deaf ears; Gbemi was bent on getting married to a rich dude who would take care of her for life.When Mara started to sleep off, she realized that Gbemi didn’t know what she was getting into. As she finally fell into that world of unconsciousness, her alarm clock buzzed. She had to get up and prepare for work. She shouted like a banshee, expressed her frustration at her innocent pillow and finally got up. Over the coming weeks, Gbemi became a thorn in Mara’s side. She would call at all hours to talk wedding plans. Her every conversation was laced with her upcoming wedding. What was worse was that she could turn ANY conversation into something about her wedding.For instance, last month when they were in the market buying things for dinner, a truck sped and caused many Okada riders to swerve off its path. This caused a minor accident. When Mara complained about the truck driver speeding in a crowded market, Gbemi replied by saying, ‘My wedding convoy will proceed so slowly, people will think a queen is making a procession’. If Mara could have removed her eyes to roll them, she sure would have done so.When they watched Transformers, Gbemi said, ‘On my wedding day, my transformation will be so epic, people might not know it is same old me oh’.What was worse was that two weeks to her wedding, her mum told her that one of their distant uncles had died and she replied, ‘Eyah…he is going to miss my wedding oh!’Gbemi was so obsessed with her wedding plans that she wasn’t even planning for the marriage itself. She was not asking major questions about what was expected of
