Wedding Messages Have to Change
Image: Yen I was at a wedding recently and as usual, was frustrated with the wife-centred message that came from most of the preachers at the event. A couple of things stuck out like thumbs dipped in palm oil and I knew I just had to talk about it. First, one of the preachers – someone you can tell is old fashioned – spoke a lot about the role a wife should play, which, if you attend many weddings, is submissive. I was not surprised by his message; I had heard it one too many times. What surprised me was a statement he made as he rounded up his message. ‘When you come to town, don’t go to your father’s house oh. Go straight to your in-laws’ house. That is your new home.’ I was shook! Before I delve into every emotion and thought I had when I heard this, I should mention the second thing that got me all hot and bothered. Another preacher, this time a more modern, cosmopolitan one, came up to deliver his message to the couple. He focused on what men and women need in a relationship. He said women needed; 1. Public Display of Attention; 2. Love; 3. Care…among others. For men however, he described their needs as; 1. Sexual satisfaction;2. Loyalty; 3. Peace…among others. I was piqued at his categories. Was he suggesting that men and women had differentneeds, especially when these broad categories were the differentiating qualities? I know there are exceptions to the rule but is there anyone that doesn’t need love, care, peace, loyalty? The public display of attention was iffy but only men need sexual satisfaction? I waited to have him balance out his message, to have him say that all these were human needs and not specific to gender. It didn’t come. I must say…I was disappointed with that. Maybe I expected too much but I hoped a more urban preacher would highlight on sexual satisfaction for women. You almost never hear any preacher talk about it. Female sexuality is not something that is brought up often in church settings. It doesn’t take much to see that many people assume female sexuality is a perversion; that women shouldn’t like, want or need sex; that sex should be something that women givemen and not something that should be mutually enjoyable and satisfying. This should be shocking in light of more biological information but damn! These thoughts don’t seem to be going away. Here is the kicker though! Women are sexual beings just as men are! Let me go and bit further. Women wantsex! And before your pulmonary vein bursts or an embolism occurs, I have to say this. Women. Need. Sex! Women want to be caressed, kissed, taken to sexual heights un-imagined, pleasured and satisfied as much as men do. And this is not just something that happens when women are ovulating or just because they want babies. I think that the way female sexuality has been portrayed as (best) an aberration and (worse) promiscuity, has made many women curb their needs to fit into the larger normative behavior of society. This has led to one too many sexually frustrated women who just lay there and go through the motions because it is respectable to be a wife and producer of the only end product of sex approved for the female gender; children. This is a problem in our society. It is so bad that I heard a story of a young couple who so loved God and each other that, though they dated for many years, didn’t have sex until their wedding night. The sex was horrible as the husband described it. He tried everything to spice things up. They even talked about it. But the girl had been so used to hearing that sex was a duty that she did just that. It was a chore to her and she wondered why her husband kept insistingon sexual satisfaction for her when only men needed that. In a marriage that is barely three years, the husband has already given up on sex except when she wants to make babies; which she isn’t ready for. If this woman had been taught that sex and female sexuality were as real as male sexuality and satisfaction, she would have been riding her husband and screaming like a banshee when he went down on her because it was okay to do that now that they were married; for those who subscribe to the sex-only-for-marriage ideal. I wanted the preacher to talk about these things. To mention how couples should make it a point of duty to please each other, satisfy each other, be adventurous with their lovemaking, give and receive head, role play, and in the rap artist Wale’s voice, have sex on the bed, floor, couch, more, more, more. I understand that the wedding banquet may not the place for in depth details of sex but just as it was easy to mention male sexual satisfaction, it should have been as easy to do the same for female satisfaction. Anyway, I was really disappointed that the message didn’t touch on that. However, that wasn’t as disappointing as the message on her in-laws’ house being her new home. To me, it seemed like they were trying to isolate her from her family just because she was adding a new one. I know that there is a possibility that it wasn’t the intention of the preacher but that is how it sounded. I am worried about such statements because a lot of factors could make going to her in-laws’ house bothersome. She may not like them or they may not like her or she may prefer the home she has known all her life rather than the one she is just getting. Even if she loves her in-laws and they absolutely adore her, she may not always want to be around them. And why should she ignore her family because she is
Wedding Fever
Image: Fashion of Philly The constant chirping of the phone wakes her up. She tries to get her befuddled mind to block the annoying sound. She reaches for her phone with slow, sleep-dazed movements until she finally finds it. ‘Why wouldn’t it just shut up?’ She thinks to herself. ‘Maybe if I just ignore them, they will go away’. She tucks the phone beneath her pillow to muffle the sound. Silence! Now she can return to her blissful sleep! Just as she snuggles into her very comfortable bed and begins to feel the tentative grip of sleep… ‘Chirrrrrpppppppppp…’ She flails her arms in exasperation and flings her pillow to the far end of the room. ‘WHAT?!’ She shouts as soon as she picks up the phone, looking at her glow-in-the-dark wall clock and realizing that it was three’ O clock.‘Ore mi! Wake up jare! I’ve got the most exciting news!’ Gbemi. She sighs. Gbemi is an overly dramatic lady and it is no wonder that she is calling Mara at 3am. Mara: ‘You do realize it is the middle of the effing night right, yeah?’ Any other person would have quietly dropped the phone and called back. But no…not Gbemi! Gbemi was never phased by Mara.Gbemi: ‘See you! Lazy bones! Wake up and listen jare…’If any one is a lazy bone, it is Queen Gbemisola Aransiola herself! She has never worked a day in her life. Don’t be lolled into thinking she is a spoiled daughter of a wealthy family. Far from it! In fact, Gbemi is from a poor home; well…not piss poor but definitely not middle class comfortable either. Some days, they can afford to eat a little piece of meat and some other days, Garri and Kuli-Kuli (without sugar, milk or even cold water). Mara, lost in thought, doesn’t hear what Gbemi says.Gbemi: ‘…to me and I screamed!’ ‘Gbemi…Sleep still dey my head. Wetin you dey talk?’ Mara asked while muffling a yawn. Gbemi: ‘Mtcheeewwww! Stop forming sleep jare and listen! I said Jafar came over yesterday…’She goes on and on, not realizing that Mara is drifting in and out of sleep. But Mara jolts out of her sleep at one word. ‘…proposed to me! I couldn’t breathe! OMG!…’So that was it! Gbemi was engaged! No surprise there since that had always been her life long dream.Like many girls, Gbemi looked forward to her wedding day. She planned carefully how she’d look, what kind of dress she’d wear, her shoes and accessories and even the reception venue.Like a good number of girls too, every time she went for a wedding, or glanced at a wedding magazine or even watched any of the big society weddings, she always changed her own wedding plans. She lived for that day when she would say the golden words: I DO. Gbemi is a school dropout. She had come to the conclusion that educating a woman was pointless since she would end up as a wife, a mother, a lover, cook, cleaner and home maker. After dropping out, she proceeded to make herself as attractive as was humanly possible so she could catch the ‘highest bidder’ and live the fab life.It was no surprise then that Jafar, son of the wealthy Abdullahi Wasa found her irresistible at a party he attended. What was a surprise was that he remained enamored of her when he discovered her family earned as much as one of his cleaners. Jafar refused to let her go and somehow got his parents to accept her as his girlfriend.Gbemi’s friends, including Mara, thought that he just wanted her for fun. So Mara’s reaction was not from jealousy but shock. Mara: ‘Did you say Jafar proposed to you?’ Gbemi: ‘Duh! Are you suddenly deaf?! He not only proposed, he wants us to be married in three months!’ Mara shot out of her bed. ‘THREE MONTHS?! Are you pregnant or something?!’ Gbemi: ‘Abegi! No jare! I’m not. He just can’t wait to have me all to himself. I’m getting married baby!’When the conversation was over, Mara couldn’t go back to sleep. Gbemi is her best friend and though Mara had begged her to stay in school, she blatantly refused. Gbemi believed that a man was supposed to provide all a woman needs while she takes care of the home front. Mara tried to tell her that she needs to make herself relevant as marriage isn’t the essence of existence. All her pleas fell on deaf ears; Gbemi was bent on getting married to a rich dude who would take care of her for life.When Mara started to sleep off, she realized that Gbemi didn’t know what she was getting into. As she finally fell into that world of unconsciousness, her alarm clock buzzed. She had to get up and prepare for work. She shouted like a banshee, expressed her frustration at her innocent pillow and finally got up. Over the coming weeks, Gbemi became a thorn in Mara’s side. She would call at all hours to talk wedding plans. Her every conversation was laced with her upcoming wedding. What was worse was that she could turn ANY conversation into something about her wedding.For instance, last month when they were in the market buying things for dinner, a truck sped and caused many Okada riders to swerve off its path. This caused a minor accident. When Mara complained about the truck driver speeding in a crowded market, Gbemi replied by saying, ‘My wedding convoy will proceed so slowly, people will think a queen is making a procession’. If Mara could have removed her eyes to roll them, she sure would have done so.When they watched Transformers, Gbemi said, ‘On my wedding day, my transformation will be so epic, people might not know it is same old me oh’.What was worse was that two weeks to her wedding, her mum told her that one of their distant uncles had died and she replied, ‘Eyah…he is going to miss my wedding oh!’Gbemi was so obsessed with her wedding plans that she wasn’t even planning for the marriage itself. She was not asking major questions about what was expected of
