Why Do Men So Easily Harass Women? (2)
Image: We Are The City As I washed my pile of clothes over the weekend, something that happened weeks ago came into my thoughts. I was on my way home from work when I realized I didn’t have enough cash for transportation for the rest of the week. I decided to go to the ATM. At this point, I was already bone tired and my heavy backpack was making me even more weary. When I was done withdrawing some cash, I looked in front of me and remembered that I could do with some groceries. There is a mart directly opposite the bank I use so I crossed the road and went into it. After maybe 10 or 15 minutes, I was done. Adding the grocery bags meant that my already sore body was even worse off. I just wanted to get to my house, shower and fall into bed. As soon as I got out of the mart, an Okada rider in front of the bank whistled loudly at me, beckoning me to come use his bike. Now, it is almost normal for Okada riders to whistle at their customers, even though many are replacing whistles with a ‘Going?’ or other variations of the question asking whether a person wanted their services. Back to the rider. By this time, there were two of us who wanted to cross the road to the other side; a man and me. The Okada rider kept whistling and even though it is almost customary, I was offended by it. It wasn’t just that he whistled, it was also how he did. There seemed to be a disrespect to how he did that was off-putting. But I was too tired to even care. The man and I crossed the road and we both went to stand a few feet from the Okada man and his bike; him to the left and me to the right. ‘You dey go?’ the Okada man asked me. I did not answer. ‘Come make we go now.’ Again, I did not answer. I noticed that though the man and I stood close to him, he continued to direct his conversation only to me. By this point, I hoped another Okada would show up quickly, so I could be on my way to my house. Almost like the Sky Spirits heard me, two Okada riders came towards us. The man and I stopped them and without waiting to discuss the price, the man hopped on one and was gone. I asked mine how much he would take me to my house. ‘N200.’ ‘N150.’ I countered. The rider agreed. I gave him my grocery bag to hold while I climbed the machine. It was as I was climbing that everything went south. The Okada rider who had been whistling – and whom I ignored – started to shout. ‘Why are you holding her bag? Give her the bag! She no wan pay better money. Give her the bag make she hold am.’ I was shocked at the vitriol. What was this man’s problem? My Okada rider and I ignored him. Again, he continued to shout. By this point, I was mad. Normal me would have shouted right back at him but I was tired. So I asked in my calmest voice, ‘How is this your business?’ My question seemed to irk him some more and he started raining insults on me. ‘Carry your wahala dey go oh! Nonsense. You no wan pay money dey give am you bag. Give her the bag jare!’ I told him to learn to mind his business and again wondered why he felt it was okay to shout at me for absolutely no reason. If I hadn’t been the one he was shouting at, especially knowing I had not said a word to him prior to asking how it was his business, I would have assumed that he had quarrelled with the person, especially as he kept shouting, ‘carry your wahala dey do. Nonsense.’ What was the wahala? Standing on the road and minding my business? Refusing to use his services? What?! By this time, I was settled on the bike and we were about to head off. You will not believe that this man raised his hand to as if to hit me. This time, I dropped all decorum and shouted. ‘Touch me and collect slap.’ The man started laughing as we zoomed past him. He had thought to rile me up and seeing me get angry seemed to make him happy. He continued to laugh in his loud tone until we were too far from him to hear him anymore. My natural instinct was to tell the rider carrying me to stop so I could really go into it with the man. While I would not have fought him, I would have ensured he got a good tongue lashing. I was livid at the harassment, especially because I didn’t do anything to warrant that behavior. Oh! I know that he was probably unhappy that I didn’t use his bike and when he kept speaking to me, I didn’t respond. But there were two of us who didn’t respond. Why did he think he could act a fool towards me? Why did he think he was entitled to my response? The answer is simple; I am a woman. I can bet my last cash that he would never have responded to the man in the manner which he responded to me if I had been the one to leave first. This harassment of women by men has become so commonplace in our communities that it has become an endemic. I have written and spoken about it one too many times and nothing seems to be happening. If anything, the number of times I get harassed have increased. I talked about how women do not fear getting robbed, as most robberies come with a side of rape. I have talked about why men so easily
Why Do Men So Easily Harass Women?
Men in Yaba Market (Nigeria) harassing a woman for demanding an end to street harassment.Credit: Market March Most women have been sexually harassed one way or the other. This could be in the market, at work, in schools or just walking down the street. Some women have come to expect it as part of their lives. Before I go on my rant – and this is going to be a rant – defining what it means to be sexually harassed is the first call of duty. 1. Sexual Harassment: Unwelcome sexual advances, requests for sexual favors, and or other verbal or physical conduct of a sexual nature that tends to create a hostile or offensive work environment Legal Dictionary, The Free Dictionary by Farlex Uninvited and unwelcome verbal or physical behavior of a sexual nature especially by a person in authority toward a subordinate (as an employee or student) Merriam Webster Dictionary 2. Street Harassment: Street harassment is a form of sexual harassment that consists of unwanted comments, gestures, honking, wolf-whistling, catcalling, exposure, following, persistent sexual advances, and touching by strangers in public areas such as streets, shopping malls, and public transportation. Wikipedia I have a couple of stories to back this up. I went to Sabo Market in Kaduna recently with my sister Enigbe. The walkways were packed full with people doing their shopping. As we passed by a man selling clothes, I felt someone pat my butt and grab my hand. ‘Baby…come to my shop now.’ I was so mad in danger of popping a vein. I didn’t care that I was in the market. I went ham and warned him to never touch me. The idiot removed his hand and went, ‘Who touch you? If I want touch person, na you I go touch?’ to which some of the men around guffawed. He went to further to say, ‘you no even happy say I touch you. As you dey like this, you no happy say I touch you.’ This elicited more laughter from his fellow market men. I kept ranting which seemed to make them even happier. The women on the other hand looked away. Not only did the man harass me and lie about it, he made a U-turn, admitted to doing it and tried to shame me for not basking in his repulsive and wanton behavior. It wasn’t until I got to the shop I wanted to go to that a woman said, ‘My sister, no mind them. Na so them dey do.’ That statement made me even angrier than I could have thought possible. In another instance, my friend Ruth and I were walking under the Ikeja Bridge to go do our hair. As we set out to cross the road, we were cut off by this bus which deliberately swerved towards us. We stood where we were and the bus slowed; almost to a crawl. The conductor was saying stuff in Yoruba – which I didn’t understand – but seemed bad enough that Ruth cussed him out. The laughter from the bus driver and conductor made me ask what was said. ‘The goat was talking about what he will do to me with his penis.’ Ruth retorted. I asked her why she had even bothered to answer them but then realized I was also playing the game of ‘unlooking’; like the women who didn’t say anything when I was being harassed. When I was in the university, we had this Chemistry Lecturer that was known for his randy behavior. Rumor had it that he chose specific types of women each semester; light skinned, dark skinned, Muslim, Christian, Tall, Short and the list goes on. What wasn’t a rumor was what I witnessed myself. We were writing examinations in 100L and he was invigilating. He would randomly walk about and touch girls inappropriately. I was sitting with my friends Grace and Hasiya when he came by us. Grace had warned us about his reputation and told us not squirm or risk becoming his victim. So when he touched Grace’s hair, she smiled and said ‘Well done, sir’. He came to me and touched my arm and I said, ‘Good morning, sir’. He moved away and touched Hasiya on her lower back and she squirmed and frowned. When he saw this happen, he laughed. Unfortunately, Hasiya’s phone was in her pocket and though switched off, the man reached in to her pockets, pulled it out and said he had caught Hasiya cheating in her exams. Knowing Ahmadu Bello University, that offence was punishable by expulsion or rustication at best. We went to beg him but he laughed at our faces. He said Hasiya should come and beg him alone or lose her phone. When Hasiya realized he hadn’t made a formal complaint, she left the phone with him and didn’t get it until after two semesters. That was just one of the harassments I witnessed with this man. While this may not classify as harassment per se, I still label it as such. Ever walked into a restaurant or hotel or event location where there are predominantly men and get stared the hell down from your very first step until you fall (thankfully) into your seat? I hear men say it is a compliment to stare at a woman like that because it shows she is hot. Ermm…NO! It isn’t a compliment unless a woman loves the attention. But even at that, it is wrong to just stare at someone when you can glance at them and look away. Staring is rude! I know even the most confident men would not appreciate been stared at if they walk into a room full of women. If a man can get uncomfortable, why do you think a woman wouldn’t? Recently on Twitter, women across Nigeria and Africa complained about the sexual harassment they have been subjected to in the office, at school, in the markets, at restaurants and just about every other place. The stories were horrifying and quite frankly, scary. It seems that where
For the Idiots That Catcall
How Women Are CatcalledPicture Credit: GURL Walking down the street is a chore for women; especially if there are men positioned anywhere on that street. Most ladies will tell you they have been catcalled one way or the other. Catcalling is one of the most annoying things uncultured men do to women that just set our teeth on edge. If you don’t know, ‘catcalling’ is; ‘…a loud whistle or a comment of a sexual nature made by a man to a passing woman.’ English Oxford Living Dictionaries The calls may be as simple as ‘see fine babe’ or as crude as ‘chai! See nyash’. The latter happened to me recently. I was crossing the road when this car sped up, making me break out in a run. When the car got close to me, the idiot of a driver slowed down and shouted, ‘see as your nyash dey bounce as you dey run.’ He laughed and drove away when I donned on my ratchet persona and cussed him out. What this driver did to me is pretty regular for many girls. Recently in fact, news outlets carried the story of a big breasted lady who was followed by lascivious and leering men in Computer Village, Lagos. She smiled in the pictures but you know she was doing so from a place of embarrassment and fear. The men however didn’t think they were doing anything wrong. They laughed and openly stared at her breasts and some idiots even went as far as trying to touch her. Many of these men do it be appreciative of a woman while others do it because they have the feeling of entitlement. They are taught that they can have any woman they want and women should be happy that they deigned to show us some appreciation. Either way, catcalling is fucking wrong! And before bigger idiots say this type of behavior only happens to women who are scantily dressed or who wear clinging clothes, let me shut them down quickly. On one Friday while I was in Lagos, I wore my custom Abaya – a long flowing dress mostly worn by Arab women – and tied my hair. I looked like a Muslim woman and assumed that few people will bother me, what with how women generally dress in Lagos. When I got to Ojuelegba, this agbero saw me and started following me. He kept saying, ‘Hausa girl, wetin you dey hide under that cloth? Come make I show you big prick.’ I was shocked beyond words but continued on my way. When I lost my cool was the moment the man put his hand on me. I flipped and went ham on him and rather than be chastised by the other men, even the ones who seemed educated, people patted his back and laughed at me. I was nearly moved to tears and my only escape was quickly taking a bike and getting the hell out of that place. People say only uneducated men catcall. Well…I disagree. Even very educated, uncultured men catcall. It is important to know that being educated does not instantly mean being cultured. For the English maybe but not for the African and on behalf of women everywhere, I am saying we are sick and tired of this vile and disgusting behavior! What the hell men?! Oh! There are some women who love it when guys catcall them because they feel it is a compliment but these women have to check themselves. Their self-worth must be in the gutters somewhere. The truth is that most men who catcall think that it will somehow lead to sex. Like I am going to take off my clothes and sleep with a complete idiot who sees me on the road and comments on the size of my butt. Dude, wake the hell up! Almost 99.99% of the time, a woman doesn’t respond favorably to catcalls. In fact Bustle’s ‘Do You Respond to Catcalling? 23 Women Reveal How They Reply To Street Harassment’ is a direct proof of this. So why do men think it is okay to continue doing so? This has to stop. And men have to help make it stop. Women have been complaining about this forever with very little respite so it is time to get men to join in on the complaint. If these men didn’t think that catcalling is wrong, why do they almost never do it when a woman is walking with a man? Or even when they do, it is probably because the man is smaller or far less threatening than they are. There are many times when we see a man so fine that we just want to say hello. But you never see us catcalling men, howling or whistling to show him our ‘appreciation’, do you? Whether men accept it or not, catcalling is sexual harassment and like all forms of sexual harassment, it is demeaning! Again, this has to fucking stop! This was an answer that was given to the question, ‘Does Catcalling Happen In East Asia and if so, Is It a Big Issue?’ on Quora. ‘It is extremely rare, if it ever happens. In East Asian countries, it is rude to display your sexuality so overtly. People are a lot more conservative there and public displays of affection are frowned upon. Catcalling is a very forward act and in East Asian countries, overt flirting is not really done in public, especially with strangers. People are expected to act properly and to be so loud, crude, and overtly sexual would be considered a flagrant violation of that. There is something very immodest about catcalling and that also violates the social norm of modesty in East Asian countries. If you choose to catcall, you will be seen as an oafish boor whose parents shamefully did not raise you properly. In South Korea, family background is emphasized and if you display such crudeness, that will be put into doubt, putting your prospects of marriage and employment at risk. You will not be popular at the very least.’
