Accept Your Husband Like That
Thought Catalog for Unsplash I have hashed a lot about the place society has relegated women to and while this is one of them, it is slightly different. So let us get into it. I was at a leadership summit recently. It was put together by a church and while I would not normally attend a church program, I keep my reservations aside when it is a leadership training. The resource person is well traveled, known and respected. His knowledge on effective leadership was mind-blowing and I was impressed…until he spoke about his wife. He bragged about his control over his wife, telling us how she studied a rare field of engineering and graduated with awesome grades. He went further to tell us that his wife had her Masters in Strategic Management and was one of the top in her class. I was impressed with his adulation until the next words flowed out of his mouth. ‘I told her I promised God everyone in my household would serve him and I made her keep those degrees because serving God is more important. Rather than go out there to work, she is teaching God’s word like I am.’ I was like, what the flying hell?! Can’t she serve God by applying her knowledge to improving her community? But that was just the beginning. He said that even though she was brilliant in her field, she didn’t need to apply her strategic management anywhere but their home. Yes! He said that. He said he is the head of their family and everything he wants has to be obeyed! Again, he said that! He continued by saying that if she makes any money, she brings all of it to him so he can give it back to her. He said even when he gives her carte blanche to do whatever she wants with HER MONEY, she still submits it all to him so that he can dole it back out to her. By this time, I was fuming. But…It got progressively worse. The man said because he travels a lot and sees a lot of women with different styles and looks, he said — and I am quoting him here — that he even picks the hairstyles that his wife wears. He said that before she sets off to the salon, he tells her exactly what style to do and she has to do just that. And when he gets attracted to other women, he would replicate what was attractive in that woman onto his wife, instead of ‘committing adultery’. He told men to take a leaf from his playbook and instead of cheating, ‘copy and paste’ what they want in those other women to their wives. The way I see it, isn’t it fucking the other woman without actually touching her? He then directed his focus to women. Trust me; I need to quote this one. ‘Women, you keep saying you will fix your hair the way you want. For those of you who think this, continue oh! Don’t ask us what we want. Allow that secretary that has the new hair we like become more interesting.’ In essence, if you didn’t do what your husband wants, you should not be surprised that another woman gets (and keeps) his attention. He also urged women to accept their husbands just as he is because he was doing his best to make the family better. She shouldn’t nag, and should always be supportive and submissive. I was turned off by the speech and I wanted to shut him out. But for the sake of balance, I tried to give him the benefit of doubt. I hoped he would tell us how husbands MUST DO what their wives want if they were to keep her interested. It never came. I am talking three days of training, with roughly seventeen hours split into five sessions. Not ONCE in this time frame did he say anything about men doing what their wives want. But in all five sessions, he mentioned over and over again why women — wives — MUST OBEY THEIR HUSBANDS because he is the head of the house and MUST DO ALL THE MAN WANTS if he is to stay interested and faithful. So here was an internationally acclaimed leadership facilitator who didn’t even get it right in his own home; a man who felt wives MUST obey their husbands (even if it meant rendering their education useless), and a man who made his wife dress up like the women he was attracted to so he can still cheat without the hassles of staining his reputation. This same man believes that wives should submit their earnings to their husbands so he can dole out parts of it back to her. All I could see was a narcissistic, misogynistic control freak who isn’t ashamed to show the world how bad his attitude towards women is. You would almost wonder why he was teaching in a church, but I am pretty sure he would say the Bible gave him that assurance; after all, there is a whole chapter on the perfect wife — and her duties — in Proverbs, isn’t there? And though I learned a whole lot about effective leadership in the work place or within an organization, I couldn’t maintain respect for the facilitator in light of his blatant disrespect for women (in general) and his wife (in particular). But this is more than me. What do you think of this man and his ideologies? Do you think women should only work in capacities approved by their husbands? Should women submit their salaries or earnings to their husband? And when women realize that they have such husbands, should they just ‘accept their husbands like that’? I really would like to hear what you think of this.
Confusion About Religion
Note: This post is not to malign any religion but to share my confusion about the role of religion in humanity’s advancement. So many thoughts have been racing through my head about the many aspects of religion. These thoughts have grown to become huge questions needing answers. So let me walk you through them. On ‘The True God’: There are over 4300 religions in the world, with Christianity, Islam, Nonreligious (which in itself is a religion), Hinduism, Chinese Traditional religion and Buddhism as the six most popular; in that order. Each of these 4000 plus religions believes that their god – or plethora of gods – is the ‘true god’. Monotheists like Muslims, Christians, Jews and others swear that their god is the truth; even though Muslims don’t believe Christianity is a monotheistic religion. Is Allah the true god and Mohammad his last messenger? Is Jehovah the true god, manifesting himself in human form as Jesus and remaining with people as the Holy Spirit? Is the true god Buddha, Ahura Mazda, Haile Selassie, Shango, Aganju, Amadioha, Aleku, Bumba or the other (very many) gods of Africa and the world? Thing is, each religious adherent believes that their own god is the only true one. Why is that? Where do people get off believing that their chosen paths have to be the right one? And even though none of these gods has been proven to exist, adherents of these religions believe that their way has to be the right path. Yes, none of the existence of these gods have been disproved either but that still leaves us in a lurch. If only one religion is the right path, then at least 4299 religions have to be ‘wrong’. This brings me to the next thought. On ‘Destiny’: Most religious people, regardless of their faith and beliefs, believe that our lives were predestined before we were born and we are just living an already prepared script. This script is supposedly written by the one true god who basically dictates our lives from the moment we are conceived to the moment we die. This has always set me on edge. If this is to be believed, then this one true god deliberately writes that some people WOULD NOT WORSHIP HIM so that he can punish them. This has to be the logical conclusion because, of the 7 billion people on earth, only 2.1 billion are Christians and 1.3 billion, Muslims. Even if we ignore the 1.1 billion who are nonreligious (atheist, agnostics, secular), we still have a whopping 2.5 billion who do not believe in either of these most popular religions. So if Allah is the right god, has he deliberately written that 5.7 billion people go to hell? Or if Jehovah is the true god, has he destined 4.9 billion people to eternal condemnation? Someone once told me that while our lives are destined, we have to choose to walk in our destiny and choosing otherwise is what gets us thrown to hell. Isn’t this a contradiction in itself? If my life has been scripted out, doesn’t that mean that I am destinedto be for or against god? Even if I CHOOSEthat path? And whether we like it or not, there are some people who will never hear about any of these religions. So does that mean that god deliberately doesn’t give them the chance to choose him or their destiny? You can see why this has me in a fix. On ‘Holy Books’: The most popular ‘Holy Books’ are the Bible and Qur’an. These books are said to be the ‘incorruptible word of god’ by those who believe in them. As similar as these book are in terms of morality and storytelling, these books are widely different. Most people will tell you their god is the real deal because their ‘Holy Books’ tell them so. Christians and Jews say that the Bible and Torah (respectively) are the holy words of god because it was written by lots of people who were inspired by god and the stories are in tandem, all leading to Christ or Yahweh. The Muslim says that very reason is why the Bible/Torah is unreliable as the Qur’an was written by only one person. While Christians and Jews do not recognize the Qur’an as a holy book, Muslims accept bits of the Bible that are similar in teaching to the Qur’an. Also, where many scholars may read the books that are contradictory to their faith, many religious faithful do not. So we have the Bible saying that Jehovah is god and the Qur’an saying that Allah is god. The Vedas, Ramayana, Mahabharata and Puranas tell the Hindu that his way is the truth and the Buddhist swears by the Triptaka, Mahayana Sutras and the Tibetan book of the dead. Each of these books proclaims a true god and denounces others as false. So how can one book be right and all others wrong? And better still, which one of them is right?! Quite honestly, apart from our ‘faith’ in whatever ‘word of god’ we pick, do we really have any proof that these words are right and true? Here is the thing; I can find god in the Harry Potter series and even a way of life in them. Does that make it a holy book? And why is okay to assume other books are wrong when most of us never even bother to read them? I guess what I am asking is what gives us the certainty that the books that tell us how to live our lives are the ‘infallible word of god’? On ‘Blessings’: Each of these religions teaches that god only blesses those who follow the tenets written in their holy books. It goes further to imply that people can only be successful when they follow these books to the smallest tittle. We have seen that this is absolutely false. If anything, it seems that people are the ones who make their own blessings.
Ending Violence Against Women
Image Credit: BBC – AFRICA’S A COUNTRY There is a concerted effort to keep women ‘in their place in society’. It doesn’t matter if it is in the seeming free societies of the Europe, Australia, America or South East Asia; the strict societies of the Middle East; the budding developments of Africa; or the backwater towns of each of these regions. The common factor is that society has carved out a place for women and girls and when they refuse to stay in ‘their lane’, they are most often met with violence. Even worse than that is the number of women who stay in ‘their place’ and still suffer the debilitating effects of violence; domestic abuse, rape, female genital mutilation, overbearingly hard labor, child marriage, improper healthcare leading to extremely painful childbirth, maternal mortality and more. Violence against women has become a disease that has been permitted to stay; a disease that is fueled by patriarchy, misogyny, bigotry and the pervading view that women are less than men. Since the dawn of time, many women have accepted their lot in life and have never questioned the status quo. When some women stand up against the injustices that society metes out to them, they are met with resistance from men, which is expected, and from women too, which is just sad. We admit that men are not the only proponents of patriarchy and the irony isn’t lost on anyone. This means that in ending violence against women, the mandate has to go back to women. Women have to be taught that; 1. We are human beings first and thus, equal to men. We are not by nature of our gender less than men; be it physically, emotionally, mentally or psychologically. Some of our physiology may be different but we are inherently equal; 2. The ONLY thing a man can do that a woman CANNOT do is provide sperm. In like manner, the ONLY thing women can do that men CANNOT do is carry a child from fertilization to term and produce milk to suckle the child. These two things are purely physiological; 3. Women are emotional beings who are logical too. Just as men are. It is pure fallacy to think that women are ONLY emotional and men ONLY logical. This ruse has been used to keep women in ‘their place’ when it comes to leadership, governance, family direction and the likes; 4. Women CAN and WILL do any and everything they set their minds to and shouldn’t believe otherwise. She can be an astrophysicist or a housewife. Women have the brain capacity to do it all; 5. Women are not to be corrected with physical abuse. There is no cause – just or otherwise – for hitting a woman. When she does wrong, she should be told she has done wrong and allowed to learn from her mistakes. Flogging, beating, slapping, cutting, hitting or punching her is NOT ACCEPTABLE! Under no circumstance is spousal abuse right; 6. It is not a woman’s fault that she is raped or sexually assaulted and abused. It is the perpetrator’s fault. The entire blame lies with the abuser. A woman does not invite rape by dressing in a certain way, or by being on the bus alone, or by wearing make-up, or by putting pictures on her social media platforms, or by walking home in the dark, or by hanging out with that male friend, or by refusing her husband sex or by trusting that uncle (or brother, father, family friend, teacher or anyone she knows) and a woman definitely doesn’t invite rape by having her own opinions and standing for them; 7. Women have every right to have and hold their own opinions, whether similar or vastly different from popular norms, without fear of harassment and abuse; 8. Women have a right to inheritance and ownership of property without being harassed by male family members or in-laws. The home wives live in with their husbands and children is as much theirs as it is their spouses. No one has the right to evict them from their homes in the event of the demise of their husbands. Adding to that, women are not to be treated in barbaric and unfair manner to prove that they are not culpable in their husband’s death. People die! deal with it; 9. No woman should have to face ANY FORM of female genital mutilation. Every organ on the body has its use and function and beyond that, it is not beneficial to any woman to have part of or all of her external genitalia removed in the guise of enforcing sexual purity. Female genital mutilation is a totally unhealthy, irrelevant and an unnecessary procedure and must be stopped globally; 10. Every woman is as sexual a being as men are. A woman’s urges and desires does not make her a ‘whore’, ‘prostitute’ or even loose. If a woman who chooses sexual freedom is to be labelled, men who do same should be labelled too. The wanton double standards have to come to an end! Some women, like some men, have higher libido than others and THAT IS OKAY! A woman has the right to explore her sexuality without fear of being labelled or worse, attacked. She has the right to make her own choices of chastity or sexual freedom without being forced to tow a line; 11. Women ARE NOT PROPERTY! They are not to be bought and sold like goods in the open market; whether it is for marriage or for forced prostitution. A woman is a full, living, breathing person and selling her not only demeans her humanity, it speaks of character so vile it has to be purged. No woman should be a slave to anyone and; 12. EVERY WOMAN is entitled to proper healthcare from birth until death. She shouldn’t have to die from diseases or childbirth because her family or spouse do not believe in modern medicine or the importance of hospitals. Malaria, typhoid, diarrhea and maternal mortality are things we
The Child Labor Dilemma
📷: Fortune I have always been against children working; and by working, I don’t mean house chores. I believe that children shouldn’t have to hustle or work for the upkeep of their families. I want a world where children are allowed to have their childhood, to go through the motions of finding themselves, to have puppy love and then formulate principles for their adulthood. This is because ‘adulting’ is hard and a lifetime work. I want children to enjoy their childhood before adulthood comes a-knocking. But in the last few weeks, I have been having some dilemma about this view. I met two young brothers aged 14 and 12. I will call them John and Doe. Their parents are what you will tag as below-average Nigerians. They are not exactly pit-poor but life is hard for them. Their mother is a food vendor while their father works for a cross-country transportation agency as a driver. John and Doe attend a State-owned secondary school and from their speech, I know the school isn’t doing much good for them. Their school has the Day and Afternoon style popular among state-owned schools. What this means is that John goes to school in the morning from 8am to about 1pm while Doe goes to school from 1pm to about 5pm. This schedule changes every two weeks, allowing the boys to switch sessions. I was told that they went to an ageing man who lives alone and offered their services to him; sweeping the compound and fetching water. They did this on their own, without being forced by their parents or even asked to do so. The old man accepted their offer and from what I gathered, is paying them a reasonable sum of money. All they have to do is sweep his compound daily and fetch water once every week. When John has to be in school in the morning, Doe does the work and when Doe goes to school in the morning, John does the work. I asked John about his family and he explained all these to me. I asked if they shared the money they made when the other is off to school and John told me that they gave whatever they made to their mother who in turn bought things for them. Here is my dilemma. Nigeria has adopted the International Labor Standards on Child Labor which allows the minimum age for employment or work to be at 15 (or 13 for light work). Doe is 12 so already he doesn’t fit into the law and though John is covered by the law, I am still worried. Yes, the work they are doing is light work and it isn’t much different from what any kid their age does at home. And yes, they went to seek out employment by themselves and are not in any way forced to do the job and their work in no way affects their schooling but….I am worried. If I have my way, no kid will work until they are 15 and even at that, it would be very light work. This is the reason why I wrote the article, CHILDREN SHOULD NOT HUSTLE. In fact, I abhor child labor so much that I don’t buy anything from child hawkers. This may seem mean but I believe if we all did the same, parents would have no other option than to keep their children at home and away from the dangers of hawking. I know the situation can best be described as ‘lose-lose’ but I really don’t like children hustling. Whichever path I choose, I always end up feeling guilty. But these kids have chosen to work to help augment what their parents are bringing in and with the current state of the Nigerian economy, every extra Naira goes a long way in helping their family. So my question is, what do you think I should do? Should I say something to the man, which may be the right thing to do but knowing that it may mean these boys suffer in this harsh economy or should I remain quiet, knowing that they are being treated fairly by their employer and their family definitely needs the extra cash? So over to you…if you were me, what would you do?
On Exaggerated Menstrual Pains
📷: Diva Diaries PS: If you think talking about menstruation is nasty or disgusting, log off now. Your opinion doesn’t matter to us. So…for those of us who care about women’s reproductive health, let us begin. A while back, I heard a friend was sick and went to see her. I didn’t know what was wrong because she wasn’t very coherent on phone but I knew she would appreciate visits. I called a mutual male friend and we set off to see her. When we got to where she was staying, we saw that she was doing better and she told us we shouldn’t have been worried because ‘it was just menstrual pain’. There were a bunch of us there so we settled into good natured camaraderie. As we laughed and talked, she gradually became more withdrawn. Soon enough, she got up and went to the bedroom. We continued gisting and having fun. After a while, we noticed she had not returned and our host went to check on her. She returned and told us our friend was writhing in the bedroom. We all rushed; panicked and afraid. Our host quickly called someone and in the five, maybe ten, minutes before he showed up, my girl went from ‘just menstrual pains’ to writhing in pains, screams and uncontrollable spasms. We all had to hold her down and carry her to the car. Even when we got to the car, her legs were everywhere and it took all my strength to hold her down as gently as I could. I could feel the shivers running though her body and when we finally got to the hospital, it wasn’t too soon. The male nurses at the reception were a bit nonchalant, even taking time out to laugh and talk. Our host was mad and nearly went ham. It wasn’t until they saw our urgency that our friend was shown into a doctor’s office. The doctor quickly prescribed injections after we told her that she had taken some strong acting analgesic and had already been admitted before for the pains. It was maybe thirty minutes after the shot was administered that our friend began to feel better. Not better as in her normal self, but better as a person just coalescing from a terrible illness. Our male friend, who had been afraid at the sight of a usually strong girl totally broken down by her period pains, kept looking as if he had had an encounter with a ghost. We joked about it being normal for many girls and women and he swore he wasn’t marrying anyone. As we laughed in the face of all these, one of the male nurses spoke to us and suggested that he hadn’t been quick in his response because ‘you know how girls like to exaggerate their menstrual pains’. His view was that when women want to get out of work or just want ‘petting’, they exaggerate the pain they feel. Was this guy serious?! Did he ever have menstrual pain that helped him gauge the extent of pain a person should feel at any given time? Or did his teachers teach him that women didn’t feel as much pain as they ‘pretended to’ when having cramps? I nearly flew into a tirade at his educated but ignorant brain but then my friend moaned and I channeled my energy into being a good friend. It is a common perception by many people that women exaggerate the pain they feel during menstruation. I recall even reading an article with this same theme one time and I am still smarting from the anger I felt when I read that load of stale bull crap. This is because I know – first hand – what menstrual pain does to women. I started menstruating February 10, 2000. I remember that day as clearly as I can see my hands now because that was the beginning of my monthly torture. My insides felt like they were been slowly torn up with scalding iron. I writhed and screamed and cried and begged God to take my life and it wasn’t until my mother came home – hours later – and saw the blood that she rushed and got me drugs. In those hours before I was rescued, I broke out in a fever, had diarrhea, was nauseous and vomited at least three times. Adding to that was the fact that my lower back was on fire and I couldn’t stand straight; or sit; or lie down; or kneel; or stay in any position for more than two to three minutes. The drugs took away some of the major symptoms but the diarrhea and nausea remained. My sense of smell was heightened and normally wonderful smells became disgusting and nauseating. Till today, the thoughtof pancakes during my period makes me nauseous. The thought! It has been more than nineteen years since I started my first period and every month, every damn month, I go through variations of this type of hell. Let me reiterate so you can understand. For the past 238 months, I have had to deal with such terrible menstrual cramp that it is a wonder I am still here today. Every single month since that day, I have to take drugs to have a slightly better chance at dealing with the pain. If I miscalculate my cycle or start when I have no access to drugs, I pay dearly. You can imagine my outrage when someone has the gall to tell me that I am exaggerating my pain! Like, is this person mad?! Ladies back me up here. When we are in such excruciating pain, we don’t give a flying fuck about your ‘petting’; or the lack of it. All we can think of is the white hot pain searing through our very core. Did I tell you I begged God to take my life on more than twenty occasions because of the kind of pain I was feeling? And mine isn’t
Complicit in Mob Justice
Armed African MobImage: Otago Daily Times The news of a ‘7 year old boy’ gruesomely tortured and burned to death for stealing Garri broke yesterday (November 16, 2016) when a user on Twitter, @Adeyanjudeji, tweeted pictures about it and Linda Ikeji carried it on her blog. In a matter of hours, a video had surfaced to join the pictures and though I didn’t watch it, the pictures were enough to show people standing by as this little boy was beaten up, draped with a tyre and set ablaze; all by a mob of men and women frothing at the mouth with supposedly righteous indignation. It was later discovered that he was a full grown man as opposed to the little boy that was originally reported. This is not the first time mob ‘justice’ has happened in Nigeria or Africa even. In fact, this is one of the many instances that have been in the news so far this year. Children, adults, groups and even whole communities are set upon by mobs and burned to ground; with wanton disregard for human life and humanity. There are all sorts of mob murderers in the country (and continent) and they can be classified into the following; 1. The Religious Zealots: These ones are the deeply uneducated yet easily offended members of a religious group. They are machete-happy and cannot wait to cut down and burn any and every one who dares blaspheme their precious gods. They are found in Traditional religion, Christianity and Islam. Depending on where you are in the country, you don’t want to be caught by these men. In Central African Republic, it is almost common place to hear of Christian mobs beating and killing Muslims. In Nigeria, we are still reeling from the mob killings in Zamfara, Niger, Abuja and Kano by Muslim Zealots. I wrote extensively about this in my post, ‘Attacking Christians?’ In fact, killers of Bridget Agbahime were just released by the Kano State Attorney General few days go. 2. The ‘Crime Reduction’ Killers: These groups are always on ground to deliver jungle justice to anyone who steals; whether that theft is money or Garri. Do you remember the gruesome Ejigbo pepper incident where a woman and her daughters were stripped down and rubbed with alligator pepper mixed with gin for allegedly stealing pepper? With the culprits even going as far inserting this mixture in the women’s vaginas and using sticks to ‘stir’ it in? Or the gruesome killing of four buys in what has been called the ALUU4 killings? Or the many cases of alleged thieves been beaten and burned to death across the country? In their view, killing these ‘thieves’ serves as a deterrent for others and in a way, a strike back at the number of terrible robbery attacks they themselves have had to face. 3. The Foreigners-Are-Taking-Our-Jobs-So-We-Must-Be-Xenophobic Lot: This is especially true for South Africa where citizens of the country targeted and killed immigrants and visitors for allegedly taking their jobs. From Johannesburg to Soweto, these rampaging crowds went about beating and killing fellow Africans in one of the worst xenophobic attacks in recent time. No one was brought to justice and even the South African Zulu king, Godwill Zwelithi, is still enjoying himself in his kingdom, even though his hateful speech about foreigners stirred the xenophobic attacks and his silence intensified it. 4. The Politicians-With-Authority-Over-The-Police-And-Military Killers: Many governments in Africa are directlyresponsible for the deaths of their citizens through organized mob action. Look at what is happening in Nigeria. Murdering herdsmen go on rampage in many towns across the country and almost nothing is ever done. Southern Kaduna is still broiling from the 31 people that were just killed two days ago. Many residents of Benue, Jos, Ekiti, Enugu and Taraba are still mourning the loss of their relatives. And what does the government do? Almost nothing! The government is complicit in the deaths of these Nigerians. On the other hand, bandits go into communities in Northern Nigeria (Zamfara, Sokoto, Katsina) and kill at will. Cultists in the Southern part of the country (Akwa Ibom, Bayelsa, Cross River, Rivers etc) act like nothing can be done to them. And what happens? Nothing! Absolutely nothing! All we have are a group of elected officials who always ask for understanding when these acts occur. When these killings begin to affect them or people like them, you then see a show of force. Even more so is the direct killings of Shiite Muslims by the government’s mob; the army. Hundreds of Shiites have been killed and hastily buried because they are dissenting voices from what is popular and accepted as the norm. And even though I do not agree with the beliefs of the Shiites, I do not think it is an excuse to kill them. People who protest peacefully are set upon by angry crowds and killed in the very glare of the army. You begin to wonder which minority is next on the list. 5. You And I: Oh you didn’t know? We are all complicit in these murders! You and I are part of the problem. We contribute to the mob killings by being silent. Oh yes! We stand and watch when people are killed and we even take out our phones for our favorite pastime; recording the moment. If there are no pictures, it didn’t happen right? We talk about it in anger on social media, spewing all manner of self-righteous indignation at the horrific way someone was killed and when it stops being a trending topic, we forget about it until the next incident happens. We come out en masse for rallies to protest increase in fuel price hike but we don’t do the same to demand that our government protects the lives of EVERY NIGERIAN AND AFRICAN. Well, who really cares about Nigerian (or African) lives? After all, it doesn’t affect us now, does it? We share pictures and videos of gruesome killings in our moment of shame and then we move
For the Idiots That Catcall
How Women Are CatcalledPicture Credit: GURL Walking down the street is a chore for women; especially if there are men positioned anywhere on that street. Most ladies will tell you they have been catcalled one way or the other. Catcalling is one of the most annoying things uncultured men do to women that just set our teeth on edge. If you don’t know, ‘catcalling’ is; ‘…a loud whistle or a comment of a sexual nature made by a man to a passing woman.’ English Oxford Living Dictionaries The calls may be as simple as ‘see fine babe’ or as crude as ‘chai! See nyash’. The latter happened to me recently. I was crossing the road when this car sped up, making me break out in a run. When the car got close to me, the idiot of a driver slowed down and shouted, ‘see as your nyash dey bounce as you dey run.’ He laughed and drove away when I donned on my ratchet persona and cussed him out. What this driver did to me is pretty regular for many girls. Recently in fact, news outlets carried the story of a big breasted lady who was followed by lascivious and leering men in Computer Village, Lagos. She smiled in the pictures but you know she was doing so from a place of embarrassment and fear. The men however didn’t think they were doing anything wrong. They laughed and openly stared at her breasts and some idiots even went as far as trying to touch her. Many of these men do it be appreciative of a woman while others do it because they have the feeling of entitlement. They are taught that they can have any woman they want and women should be happy that they deigned to show us some appreciation. Either way, catcalling is fucking wrong! And before bigger idiots say this type of behavior only happens to women who are scantily dressed or who wear clinging clothes, let me shut them down quickly. On one Friday while I was in Lagos, I wore my custom Abaya – a long flowing dress mostly worn by Arab women – and tied my hair. I looked like a Muslim woman and assumed that few people will bother me, what with how women generally dress in Lagos. When I got to Ojuelegba, this agbero saw me and started following me. He kept saying, ‘Hausa girl, wetin you dey hide under that cloth? Come make I show you big prick.’ I was shocked beyond words but continued on my way. When I lost my cool was the moment the man put his hand on me. I flipped and went ham on him and rather than be chastised by the other men, even the ones who seemed educated, people patted his back and laughed at me. I was nearly moved to tears and my only escape was quickly taking a bike and getting the hell out of that place. People say only uneducated men catcall. Well…I disagree. Even very educated, uncultured men catcall. It is important to know that being educated does not instantly mean being cultured. For the English maybe but not for the African and on behalf of women everywhere, I am saying we are sick and tired of this vile and disgusting behavior! What the hell men?! Oh! There are some women who love it when guys catcall them because they feel it is a compliment but these women have to check themselves. Their self-worth must be in the gutters somewhere. The truth is that most men who catcall think that it will somehow lead to sex. Like I am going to take off my clothes and sleep with a complete idiot who sees me on the road and comments on the size of my butt. Dude, wake the hell up! Almost 99.99% of the time, a woman doesn’t respond favorably to catcalls. In fact Bustle’s ‘Do You Respond to Catcalling? 23 Women Reveal How They Reply To Street Harassment’ is a direct proof of this. So why do men think it is okay to continue doing so? This has to stop. And men have to help make it stop. Women have been complaining about this forever with very little respite so it is time to get men to join in on the complaint. If these men didn’t think that catcalling is wrong, why do they almost never do it when a woman is walking with a man? Or even when they do, it is probably because the man is smaller or far less threatening than they are. There are many times when we see a man so fine that we just want to say hello. But you never see us catcalling men, howling or whistling to show him our ‘appreciation’, do you? Whether men accept it or not, catcalling is sexual harassment and like all forms of sexual harassment, it is demeaning! Again, this has to fucking stop! This was an answer that was given to the question, ‘Does Catcalling Happen In East Asia and if so, Is It a Big Issue?’ on Quora. ‘It is extremely rare, if it ever happens. In East Asian countries, it is rude to display your sexuality so overtly. People are a lot more conservative there and public displays of affection are frowned upon. Catcalling is a very forward act and in East Asian countries, overt flirting is not really done in public, especially with strangers. People are expected to act properly and to be so loud, crude, and overtly sexual would be considered a flagrant violation of that. There is something very immodest about catcalling and that also violates the social norm of modesty in East Asian countries. If you choose to catcall, you will be seen as an oafish boor whose parents shamefully did not raise you properly. In South Korea, family background is emphasized and if you display such crudeness, that will be put into doubt, putting your prospects of marriage and employment at risk. You will not be popular at the very least.’
Dear Parents, Here Is Some Much Needed Advice
Image: Parent Pump Radio Dear parents, First, congratulations on having that child or those children. It must have been nerve-wracking going through the process of carrying and birthing your children. It should even be scarier trying to raise those kids to be stellar individuals who you can be proud of. Well done indeed. Having said that, there are some things you need to learn if you are to be a wonderful parent. This has nothing to do with changing diapers or effectively calculating sleeping and eating pattern. No; let the books educate you on those. This has to do with developing your children’s personalities and temperament. 1. You are your children’s FIRST ROLE MODELS; While this is self-explanatory, it begs to be explained. You need to show your children how to be responsible by doing your share of house chores and contributing your share of the finances. Let them know that whether they are boys or girls, they each have duties and responsibilities to the family. If you do not, your boys will learn to expect women to take care of them and your daughters would think their lives should revolve around taking care of their men. Do not hit your spouse or be violent in any way to them. Of course there are days when you will quarrel and have heated arguments but as much as you can, do this away from the children. Let them learn to respect each other because you respect each other and yourselves. Don’t go about fighting each other in public when you can sort out your issues privately. Don’t go teaching your children that it is okay to be deliberately taunting and nagging and rude. It is not a good look for anyone. Get a job, or a business or an advocacy organization and spend your time on more meaningful things than house chores while watching Telemundo, ZeeWorld or Super Sports. Teach your girls to aspire for more than being a kept woman who depends on her husband for every single thingshe needs. That is no way to live and that is no way to raise your daughters. It is also no way to raise your sons who might grow up to expect women to depend on them for all they need. Teach your children that marriage is a partnership, with each partner contributing time, energy, and financesto the process. 2. You are the first to BUILD YOUR CHILDREN’S SELF-ESTEEM AND WORTH; Many parents are okay telling their children that they are ‘stupid’, ‘foolish’, ‘a dunce’ or even more derogatory terms. This is wrong! No child is stupid. They may do stupid things but that doesn’t make them stupid. Understand that each child is different and learns at their own pace. Don’t force your children to all excel at mathematics when one may love French more. Find out what each child is capable of and reaffirm their self-worth by making them better at it. Also, you need to let your children learn to do things by themselves. You should allow them try to solve problem without needing you there. These problems could be algebra or bullying. What you should do is tell them that you trust their abilities and their decision and help them understand that sometimes, it is okay to be wrong. There are parents who tell their kids that they are ugly or too black or have long or wide mouths or slit eyes or are too fat and stuff like that. Well…don’t! These seemingly simple utterances go a long way in cementing your child’s self-worth. As they grow up, these words will make them feel insecure in a society that thrives on insecurity. And when your kids are insecure, they become susceptible to all sorts of vices to make them feel better about themselves. 3. Your child should NOT HAVE TO EARN YOUR LOVE; It is a known fact that parents do not love their children equally and have favorites but never show your children that! Love each of your children as equally as you can and better than that, your children should not have to earn your love. It is unnatural for children to do things to make you love them. Loving them should come as naturally as breathing. This means that you shouldn’t threaten to withdraw your love when they do wrong and even worse, tell them as some parents do, that they wish the kids were never born. How is a child to feel loved when these are done? How is a child to thrive? And yes, some children can be very trying but that is no excuse to make them work at getting your love. You should be able to understand the dynamic nature of each child and use that dynamism to make your relationship with them better. 4. Your child should respect (NOT FEAR) you; Most African parents thrive on instilling fear into their children. Their children are not allowed to have opinions of their own and must cower when these parents talk. Well guess what? They are your children, not your slaves or puppets! When children fear their parents, they hide things from them and in some instances, hate them. Such children cannot wait to leave their homes and when they do, they almost always never return. They will also keep communication at the barest minimum because no one likes to constantly have to face their fears. Respect is very different from fear. It is respect that will make a child do what you ask. And this respect has to be mutual! That you brought that child into the world is no reason to be disrespectful to them. You must treat them like fully functional human beings who have a right to their own thoughts, opinions and ideologies. The plus side to this is, if you respect each other, your children and other people you meet, your children will most likely pick your ideologies as theirs too. 5. Tell your children YOU LOVE THEM; African parents are
Dear Governor Elrufai…
Nasir Ahmed el-RufaiGovernor of Kaduna StateCredit: The Guardian Good day Your Excellency, I would like to start by applauding you on the strides you have made in the months you have been in office. I appreciate the fact that you and your cabinet took a 50% pay cut as a result of your commitment to the state and her advancement, thus setting precedence for good governance and leadership. I hope you continue to keep your word to the people of Kaduna State as promised in your campaign and town hall speeches. That being said, I am writing this letter to make some complaints. I live in Ungwan Romi, in the southern region of Kaduna State. For years, there was hardly any development done in this area until late Governor Patrick Yakowa started major road constructions in the area. These projects included; 1. Road construction from the Romi Junction at Polytechnic Quarters (Romi Burial Ground) to Ungwan Sule; 2. Road construction from Romi Bus Stop through Lussawa and out to the Gas junction close to Peugeot Nigeria; 3. Road construction from School Road to Karatudu which leads to Karatudu, Gonin Gora, Buwaya and Federal Housing and; 4. The Bridge linking Unguwan Romi to the communities mentioned in 3 above. Unfortunately, he could not finish the projects he started before he passed on. When former Governor Ramalan Mukhtar Yero was elected, many people thought that he would complete the projects started by his predecessor. We shouldn’t have held our breaths. The projects were abandoned by the former Governor for roughly three years. When you came into power, you promised to ensure that all contracts given by Late Patrick Yakowa would be honored by you and completed by your administration. I am glad that in some regards, you have stayed true to your campaign promises. The bridge has been completed and you cannot begin to imagine the relief the completion has brought to residents who need ease of access between these communities. For this, I applaud your commitment. However, the roads that were started by Late Patrick Yakowa are still in the state they were at his death. Yes, they have been cleared, excavated and fine graded with red sand but that is just about it. As a result of this neglect, most of these areas have houses, farms, schools, businesses and shops caked with red dust. This means these areas have a permanent ‘dirty’ look. But beyond aesthetics are the health consequences of this neglect. Food sources from shops are caked with dust and adding that to the constant inhalation of dust raised by pedestrians and vehicles, we have a recipe for a large scale health disaster. The major respite we have is the annual rainfall – which itself poses some problems, chief of which is slippery roads – and the government’s efforts to wet the roads during the dry season. The government’s part stopped a while back. The rains have been gone for maybe two week and with the harmattan that has set in, the roads are so dry, resulting in a marked increase in dust particles in the atmosphere that is a slow poisoning of the residents of these neighborhoods. Your Excellency, I am hoping that these roads are part of your infrastructural plans for Kaduna state. If they are, I would like to implore you to do something about them as soon as you can. And while we wait, I am hoping that you direct the ministry of works to send out trucks of water daily to wet the roads. This will go a long way in helping the residents of these communities. As I wait in anticipation, I thank you in advance. Yours Faithfully, Ramatu Ada Ochekliye School Road, Unwan Romi Uncompleted road in Ungwan Romi Vehicles kicking up dust in Ungwan Romi Graded road in Ungwan Romi Houses caked with red dust in Ungwan Romi Lussawa Road Pedestrians kicking up dust in Ungwan Romi Bus top, Ungwan Romi
Why We Love Hillary Rodham Clinton
Hillary Rodham ClintonPicture: MISES INSTITUTE The first time I really took note of Hillary Rodham Clinton was when she was propelled to national (and international) ridicule by Bill Clinton’s affair in 1998. I was nine years old then and didn’t really understand politics. I was however very sad that Hillary Clinton had been publicly embarrassed by the scandal. I didn’t have access to the internet then but I followed every article that mentioned Hillary Clinton on the dailies. And even though I didn’t completely understand a lot of what I was reading, I grew fascinated with her. I learned that she wasn’t the typical woman of the 90s. She had a mind of her own, a drive that could rival most men and a desire that was as infectious as it was surprising. She was a lawyer, held strong political views that she was willing to work for and was actively fighting for children’s rights in her country. What was most impressive was that she was all of these before she even met Bill Clinton. The results of my research on Hillary and what I knew about Oprah Winfrey made me sit down – all 9 years old of me – to write out my life plans, the things I wanted to do and achieve and the person I wanted to be remembered for. I wrote these plans knowing that it wasn’t wrong for women to be intelligent, passionate or driven; things I was already displaying at that age. As I grew older, the strides Hillary made – in her law practice, humanitarian work and on the board of many committees – cemented my views about who I was meant to be. She was shattering glass ceilings way before it was a fitting catchphrase. What was most inspiring was her drive. She couldn’t be stopped for anything! Yes, she was less prominent during the time leading to the 1996 elections, but she didn’t stop pushing for the causes she was passionate about. From a driven lawyer, she became the first ‘First Lady’ to share her desire for elective post, campaign for that and win. But that was not the end for her. After serving for eight years in the US Senate, she announced that she was going to run for Presidency in 2008. I was so excited when I read this and even though I was a total fan of Barack Obama, I was happy that she dared to aspire for the highest post in one of the world’s greatest nations. And even though she didn’t get the Democratic Party nomination, she didn’t remain bitter. She joined forced with President Barack Obama as his Secretary of State. When she expressed her desire again for office in 2015, I was again inspired. She couldn’t be put down! And best of all, she wouldn’tbe put down. Never in my life have I prayed to be American more than at that time so I could vote for her; vote for a woman who refused to toe the line society tried to force down her throat. Hillary was more qualified than her husband when he ran for presidency but she waited. She was probably more experienced than President Barack Obama when he ran but again, she waited. You can imagine my pain when the time finally came and she had to face a racist, sexist, homophobic, misogynist, unintelligent, vile and inexperienced man! I honestly thought she had it in the bun. But alas, racism, James Comey, sexism, homophobia, Julian Assange, WikiLeaks, white supremacy and blatant tomfoolery would have none of that. In spite of her loss at the US Elections, I have never been more proud of a person like I am of Hillary. Hillary Clinton is a woman who has pushed for the things she believes in, giving her all – and then some – to her dreams, even when everything seemed against her. Many people wanted her to stand behind her husband, aspire for garden parties in the white house and be a beautiful potted plant. Most people couldn’t understand a woman who dared to have her own mind, her own dreams, her own vision and even her own sense of style. I mean, how dare Hillary think she can wear those pantsuits and three-inch heels and be president? Well, those people won! For now, anyway. Why was it so important for Hillary to win? Would she have been the first female president? No! We have African female presidents. Plus, I am Nigerian. How does it affect me? Well, it does! Many people have accused me of supporting Hillary Clinton only because she is a woman and I laugh because the reaction is typical. I wanted her to win because she was the most qualified person for the position as a result of her extensive work in government and because she worked hard; even harder than most men have to. Nut more than that, and she daredto. I wanted her to win because I saw her policy plans and agreed with them. I wanted her to win because she had demonstrated better character for humanity and basic human rights than Trump has or will ever. Beyond that, I wanted her to win because she had her failings too and has learned from them. But no; she is a woman, so that was my only reason for supporting her (*shaking my head). It is worrisome however that most people would rather vote a bumbling unqualified man than a woman. We get it; society has its tethering rope. Hillary may have lost this election but she has inspired me, and many people globally, to fight for what we believe in, to push for what we want and to stay the course, even if it takes forever. She may not get to be the first female president of the United States of America but her drive would make some woman the first. Many of the suffragettes didn’t get to see Hillary Clinton contest but their
