Boundaries
Photo by Alex Green from Pexels I have been thinking about boundaries a lot. As a people, and by that I mean Africans and black people in general, we seem to be have a poor understanding of boundaries. In a way, it can be blamed on our socio-cultural style of community living. You see, our cultures promote relationships where it is okay for everyone to be in your space: expected even. Parents believe that since they birthed a child, they have exclusive rights to all aspects of their lives. Siblings and friends think their relationship guarantee them unfettered access to those close to them. Teachers feel that because they impact knowledge, they can do as they please with the students in their care. Employers use people’s need for work and a paycheck to try to control the lives of their employees. Even the everyday market (wo)man and complete strangers think they have a right to know what’s up with you. It is a never-ending cycle of intrusion of people’s spaces! The idea of people having boundaries seems…foreign to many in our communities. In fact, the idea that a person would deign to demand boundaries is not just seen as ludicrous, it is perceived as an insult. But are boundaries an impossible – even disrespectful – ask? I would think not. Recently, I saw a definition of ‘boundaries’ that felt just…right. “A boundary is a limit or space between you and the other person; a clear place where you begin and the other person ends . . .” – Positive Psychology. Ooooh! The power in that statement! No matter what relationship we have with people, we need a clear space where we begin but most especially, where the other person ends. I believe that from a young age, people should begin to define their boundaries. It is okay to tell your parents – especially when you are an adult – that you have thought through an idea and can make your own decisions about them. Yes, they birthed you. They took care of you. They raised you. But does that mean that they should know – and control – every aspect of your life? The answer is no. This will be perceived as promoting ‘disrespect’, but it is a critical step in the evolution of the parent-child relationship or any relationship for that matter; in essence, it is promoting a culture of respect. Setting those boundaries ensure that relationships grow without any toxicity that would eventually create resentment. Let me give you an example. I used to always walk into my sister’s room without knocking. Of course, knocking on siblings’ doors was not ‘normal’ to us. If we wanted something, we just went in and got it. One day, my sister – whom I must add is significantly younger than me – asked me to knock on her door before I came in. I was livid! ‘Who the hell did she think she was?’ I thought to myself. But after a while, I understood it. It was her room, her space. I couldn’t just barge into it just because I was older. She wasn’t disrespectful to me…even though it would have been perceived as that in our community. But if I continued to barge into her room without knocking, I would be disrespectful to her. And because she was younger than me, she would take it…and resentment would grow. My sister showed me that she knew where she began…and why her own space was important. She was telling me to accord her the same respect that she did me and it was an illuminating moment for me. Even though she was enforcing boundaries for her physical space, we can take a cue from her and build boundaries for our emotional, mental, and spiritual spaces. I analyse my relationship with everyone now. I ask certain questions that determine how much of me a person is allowed to experience. And it may sound weird, but I build spaces in my head where I fit each individual. This helps me for example, shut down innuendos from colleagues that would be normal with friends or maintain an aloof personality at events instead of the bubbly persona close associates know me with etc. I wasn’t always like this. I used to let everyone in my spaces because I prided myself on being an ‘open book’. I am still open…I just don’t want everyone walking all over my spaces and dumping bits and pieces of themselves where I should – exclusively – be. And best of all is, I cannot abide by any disrespect of my person: because like I have established, people will disrespect you! Give them an inch…and you know what the rest would mean. So…I am learning to define myself: ‘where do I begin?’, ‘where do I end?’. Then I define others; parents, siblings, friends, lovers, acquaintances, colleagues, strangers etc. Where do they begin and where do they end? Having defined my relationships, I have built the requisite boundaries. I think you can take a cue from this. Ensure your boundaries are respected by constantly repeating them until they become the norm. Then respect other people’s boundaries…even if they don’t seem to have clearly defined ones. Or in other words, using the famous words of the Jew, Jesus Christ, “So then, in everything treat others the same way you want them to treat you, for this is [the essence of] the Law and the [writings of the] Prophets.” – Matthew 7:12 (Amplified Bible).
Dear Parents, Here Is Some Much Needed Advice
Image: Parent Pump Radio Dear parents, First, congratulations on having that child or those children. It must have been nerve-wracking going through the process of carrying and birthing your children. It should even be scarier trying to raise those kids to be stellar individuals who you can be proud of. Well done indeed. Having said that, there are some things you need to learn if you are to be a wonderful parent. This has nothing to do with changing diapers or effectively calculating sleeping and eating pattern. No; let the books educate you on those. This has to do with developing your children’s personalities and temperament. 1. You are your children’s FIRST ROLE MODELS; While this is self-explanatory, it begs to be explained. You need to show your children how to be responsible by doing your share of house chores and contributing your share of the finances. Let them know that whether they are boys or girls, they each have duties and responsibilities to the family. If you do not, your boys will learn to expect women to take care of them and your daughters would think their lives should revolve around taking care of their men. Do not hit your spouse or be violent in any way to them. Of course there are days when you will quarrel and have heated arguments but as much as you can, do this away from the children. Let them learn to respect each other because you respect each other and yourselves. Don’t go about fighting each other in public when you can sort out your issues privately. Don’t go teaching your children that it is okay to be deliberately taunting and nagging and rude. It is not a good look for anyone. Get a job, or a business or an advocacy organization and spend your time on more meaningful things than house chores while watching Telemundo, ZeeWorld or Super Sports. Teach your girls to aspire for more than being a kept woman who depends on her husband for every single thingshe needs. That is no way to live and that is no way to raise your daughters. It is also no way to raise your sons who might grow up to expect women to depend on them for all they need. Teach your children that marriage is a partnership, with each partner contributing time, energy, and financesto the process. 2. You are the first to BUILD YOUR CHILDREN’S SELF-ESTEEM AND WORTH; Many parents are okay telling their children that they are ‘stupid’, ‘foolish’, ‘a dunce’ or even more derogatory terms. This is wrong! No child is stupid. They may do stupid things but that doesn’t make them stupid. Understand that each child is different and learns at their own pace. Don’t force your children to all excel at mathematics when one may love French more. Find out what each child is capable of and reaffirm their self-worth by making them better at it. Also, you need to let your children learn to do things by themselves. You should allow them try to solve problem without needing you there. These problems could be algebra or bullying. What you should do is tell them that you trust their abilities and their decision and help them understand that sometimes, it is okay to be wrong. There are parents who tell their kids that they are ugly or too black or have long or wide mouths or slit eyes or are too fat and stuff like that. Well…don’t! These seemingly simple utterances go a long way in cementing your child’s self-worth. As they grow up, these words will make them feel insecure in a society that thrives on insecurity. And when your kids are insecure, they become susceptible to all sorts of vices to make them feel better about themselves. 3. Your child should NOT HAVE TO EARN YOUR LOVE; It is a known fact that parents do not love their children equally and have favorites but never show your children that! Love each of your children as equally as you can and better than that, your children should not have to earn your love. It is unnatural for children to do things to make you love them. Loving them should come as naturally as breathing. This means that you shouldn’t threaten to withdraw your love when they do wrong and even worse, tell them as some parents do, that they wish the kids were never born. How is a child to feel loved when these are done? How is a child to thrive? And yes, some children can be very trying but that is no excuse to make them work at getting your love. You should be able to understand the dynamic nature of each child and use that dynamism to make your relationship with them better. 4. Your child should respect (NOT FEAR) you; Most African parents thrive on instilling fear into their children. Their children are not allowed to have opinions of their own and must cower when these parents talk. Well guess what? They are your children, not your slaves or puppets! When children fear their parents, they hide things from them and in some instances, hate them. Such children cannot wait to leave their homes and when they do, they almost always never return. They will also keep communication at the barest minimum because no one likes to constantly have to face their fears. Respect is very different from fear. It is respect that will make a child do what you ask. And this respect has to be mutual! That you brought that child into the world is no reason to be disrespectful to them. You must treat them like fully functional human beings who have a right to their own thoughts, opinions and ideologies. The plus side to this is, if you respect each other, your children and other people you meet, your children will most likely pick your ideologies as theirs too. 5. Tell your children YOU LOVE THEM; African parents are
