Don’t Ask Me When I Am Getting Married. Or Else…
The pressure has begun; in earnest. ‘Ramat, when is your wedding? When will you settle down? When are we coming to eat your own cake?’ These are the questions I keep getting from family, ‘friends’ and acquaintances. In their view, I am no longer a young ‘girl’ and this means that I should be married now, settled into my role as wife and eventually, mother. I shouldn’t be traipsing about in the name of ‘chasing career’. In fact, I was told that I shouldn’t chase career at the expense of marriage and motherhood. All of this however, is not surprising. If I am being truthful to myself, I would admit that it is kind of expected. I have written about this one too many times to not expect that I would be at the receiving end as I get older. But expecting it doesn’t make it any less maddening. It always amazes me how my decision to get married (or not) affects people so much so that they think I need an intervention. Usually, when asked these questions, I have three answers depending on who you are. 1. To family, I say I do not want to rush into an institution like marriage until I am willing to go all the way and until I have found someone whose entire being and essence, including all the horrible (HORRIBLE) parts, are things I can handle for the rest of my life. 2. I tell ‘friends’ that I may not get married and get a kick out of watching their expressions as they digest what I said; and 3. If an acquaintance has the effrontery to ask when I am getting married, I look at them pointedly and ask how it affects their lives. Like seriously, how does it?! While my true answer is a combination of all these, it isn’t the whole story. I grew up witnessing only unhappy marriages. Some of them bore their cross, others left. In all these, the children suffered the consequences of their parents’ poor marriages. Even the homes I thought were happy had their problems and were sometimes just a façade. So, I really don’t want to be married at all if it means not ensuring my children grow up in a safe, loving and majorly happy environment. I also don’t consider marriage the achievement-for-women most people think it is. In my view, it isn’t an achievement, a goal or something to aspire to. I view it as a part of my life and not the whole. But more than anything, I see the level of unhappiness in marriages and I want to hold off as long as I can; that is if I do. Have you also noticed that the people who are always clamouring for your wedding are usually the ones with the saddest marriages? Misery they say… Anyway, my family always tells me that just because something didn’t work for others doesn’t mean it wouldn’t work for me. I agree with that completely. I may just be the one who gets a happy marriage (*scoffs). What are the odds of that happening? I believe that marriage is full time work and until I am sure I am ready to make the sacrifices necessary to make that work, work…I am not going to fret or oblige anyone by jumping the broom. When I say this, I am always told that time is not on my side: that when I am ready, I may not get the type of man I want, and age doesn’t flatter a woman. I must admit that in some regard, they are right. As I have grown older, the pool of men who used to ‘toast’ me have greatly reduced. It reduces further when the ones left hear I am a feminist. It reduces even further when they hear I am keeping my name (*laughing my head off) but in all, they are proving me, not my family or friends, right. I will age and lose my beauty. Should my ‘husband’ who fell in love with my youth be expected to stay when that happens? What prevents him from chasing a younger girl when I am no longer fresh and peng? I won’t stop being a feminist – contrary to what most peoplethink would happen – so it is better the guy runs away before he even gets started. And I will always be Ramatu Ada Ochekliye. If he doesn’t get it, why do I need to be married to him anyway? So, I have come to the conclusion that people will always bug me about getting married until I do. Even at that, they won’t stop. The next thing will be when I give birth to my first child…and the next…and the next. That is their prerogative; as inappropriate as it is. However, as I am living my life for me and would be held accountable for all my decisions, I would do what I want with it! Thank you very much! Now…to the very stubborn people who cannot take a cue even if it slaps them in face with its tentacles, let me lay it out plainly to you. If you do not have a happy marriage, don’t ever ask me when I am going to get married. If per chance you do, I promised I will use the knowledge of your unhappy marriage to clap back at you. It would go something like this; ‘Awww…I am sure you are SO happy in your marriage that is why your husband is sleeping with undergrads at the university he works’ or ‘I am inspired by your marriage. Knowing how bored your wife is with you makes me want to marry as quickly as possible’. So the caveat here is, if want to ask about how soon I am getting married, make sure your relationship can pass through my fire. Or better still, mind your business! Thank you! PS: Dear family, I was not talking to you oh! You can ask me anytime you
Not Changing My Name When I Marry
Image: The Hunt My friends and I have been talking about the name change thing we are required to do when we get married. While some of them cannot wait to be a ‘Mrs. Somebody’, a couple of us are worried about that. Discussing it doesn’t bring any form of reprieve because it is not an easy topic to explain. Even if it was, we know we are not only going to have to deal with our men, but our combined families. It is common knowledge that women are supposed to change their names when they marry. They go from bearing their fathers’ names to bearing their husbands’ names. And in most African societies, she becomes ‘mummy this’ or ‘mama that’ when she becomes a mother. People forget that she had a name before she got married and became a mother. Well…some of us don’t want that. We want to keep our own names when we marry. Before you write this conversation off, try and walk in our stilettoes. My friends have a myriad of reasons why they want to keep their names but my reasons include; 1. I love my name. I have always been Ramatu Ada Ochekliye and I have always loved the special ring it has to it. I love explaining to people why my name is so multicultural and religious. I love seeing people try to place my state, tribe, and religion by rolling my name off their tongues. I love knowing that my name is like me; different, yet whole. 2. My name has been my identity all my life; my identity as a Nigerian first, my identity as a person who loves all tribes and religions, my identity as me. 3. My father’s name, Ochekliye, is not associated with anything fantastic. But by being Ochekliyes, my sisters and I have done fantastic things. We love our names not because it had a precedent for greatness but because we set the precedent. You would hear something like ‘The Ochekliye girls are wonderful’, ‘Nobody messes with the Ochekliye girls’, ‘The Ochekliye girls can do all things’ and my personal favorite, ‘Don’t you know I am an Ochekliye?’. We made our name worth it for us. As a result, our name has become our heritage. 4. A man comes into a marriage and is not expected to change his name; or anything for that matter. He is always ‘Mr. A’. When I change my name, I have to change my identity. I have to get used to being called ‘Mrs. A’. What many people do not understand is that it can be quite disorienting to go from being addressed as Ramat to ‘Mrs. A’. 5. The process for changing my name is a lot of work. I have to apply to the courts and then put up an advert in the newspapers. When approved, I need to do a new national identity card, driver’s license and all other documents. If I have an international passport, I have to apply for a new one to reflect the change. All other documents carrying my original name then have to reflect my new name. I even have to change my business cards, bank details and generally, my entire life to fit my new status. Isn’t it simply easier to maintain my name? 6. I am expected to don my husband’s identity, an identity that he is used to, and an identity he isn’t expected to change even though we are both starting this new family. It doesn’t matter that my identity – my heritage – gets erased gradually until his heritage becomes mine. Whatever I achieve becomes his achievements but what he achieves remains his. 7. I am no less married to my husband if I do not bear his name as if I do. So in the real sense, changing my name is immaterial to my role as his wife and partner. 8. I feel that the need to have the woman change her name is because we have been taught that men are our prizes and that our worth is tied to marriage. I love my man but my identity is not tied to him. He is his own person and I am mine. We chose to be together but didn’t choose to be less of ourselves. We both have our dreams and aspirations that are in many cases, independent of each other. We both have our stories, motivations and baggage that make us the people we are. He doesn’t expect me to live for him and vice versa. So while I madly love him, I am still my own person. 9. Patriarchy is still one of the biggest problems of the world. That belief that a woman is only good enough when properly married and bearing her husband’s name is tired. And for many of these patriarchal men (and women), a husband’s name is a brand on his wife. It is no better than branding an animal or say, a property. Truth is, that is how many men view their wives. And yes, you could argue that it is patriarchal to bare my father’s name and you would be right. But it is name I have grown to love because it is mine. 10. I believe in the equality of the sexes and hence, equality in marriage. If the woman is expected to change her name, the man should too. One of my friends suggested that the man and his wife choose an entirely new name and start their own family. Most men however would not hear of it. These are my reasons for wanting to keep my name. I do not begrudge any woman the choice to change her name; as long as it is her choice to do so. I am wary of conforming to norms just because that is always the way things have been done. Just because things have been done a certain way for centuries doesn’t mean that they are right or should continue. I believe the reason why humanity is still
Accept Your Husband Like That
Thought Catalog for Unsplash I have hashed a lot about the place society has relegated women to and while this is one of them, it is slightly different. So let us get into it. I was at a leadership summit recently. It was put together by a church and while I would not normally attend a church program, I keep my reservations aside when it is a leadership training. The resource person is well traveled, known and respected. His knowledge on effective leadership was mind-blowing and I was impressed…until he spoke about his wife. He bragged about his control over his wife, telling us how she studied a rare field of engineering and graduated with awesome grades. He went further to tell us that his wife had her Masters in Strategic Management and was one of the top in her class. I was impressed with his adulation until the next words flowed out of his mouth. ‘I told her I promised God everyone in my household would serve him and I made her keep those degrees because serving God is more important. Rather than go out there to work, she is teaching God’s word like I am.’ I was like, what the flying hell?! Can’t she serve God by applying her knowledge to improving her community? But that was just the beginning. He said that even though she was brilliant in her field, she didn’t need to apply her strategic management anywhere but their home. Yes! He said that. He said he is the head of their family and everything he wants has to be obeyed! Again, he said that! He continued by saying that if she makes any money, she brings all of it to him so he can give it back to her. He said even when he gives her carte blanche to do whatever she wants with HER MONEY, she still submits it all to him so that he can dole it back out to her. By this time, I was fuming. But…It got progressively worse. The man said because he travels a lot and sees a lot of women with different styles and looks, he said — and I am quoting him here — that he even picks the hairstyles that his wife wears. He said that before she sets off to the salon, he tells her exactly what style to do and she has to do just that. And when he gets attracted to other women, he would replicate what was attractive in that woman onto his wife, instead of ‘committing adultery’. He told men to take a leaf from his playbook and instead of cheating, ‘copy and paste’ what they want in those other women to their wives. The way I see it, isn’t it fucking the other woman without actually touching her? He then directed his focus to women. Trust me; I need to quote this one. ‘Women, you keep saying you will fix your hair the way you want. For those of you who think this, continue oh! Don’t ask us what we want. Allow that secretary that has the new hair we like become more interesting.’ In essence, if you didn’t do what your husband wants, you should not be surprised that another woman gets (and keeps) his attention. He also urged women to accept their husbands just as he is because he was doing his best to make the family better. She shouldn’t nag, and should always be supportive and submissive. I was turned off by the speech and I wanted to shut him out. But for the sake of balance, I tried to give him the benefit of doubt. I hoped he would tell us how husbands MUST DO what their wives want if they were to keep her interested. It never came. I am talking three days of training, with roughly seventeen hours split into five sessions. Not ONCE in this time frame did he say anything about men doing what their wives want. But in all five sessions, he mentioned over and over again why women — wives — MUST OBEY THEIR HUSBANDS because he is the head of the house and MUST DO ALL THE MAN WANTS if he is to stay interested and faithful. So here was an internationally acclaimed leadership facilitator who didn’t even get it right in his own home; a man who felt wives MUST obey their husbands (even if it meant rendering their education useless), and a man who made his wife dress up like the women he was attracted to so he can still cheat without the hassles of staining his reputation. This same man believes that wives should submit their earnings to their husbands so he can dole out parts of it back to her. All I could see was a narcissistic, misogynistic control freak who isn’t ashamed to show the world how bad his attitude towards women is. You would almost wonder why he was teaching in a church, but I am pretty sure he would say the Bible gave him that assurance; after all, there is a whole chapter on the perfect wife — and her duties — in Proverbs, isn’t there? And though I learned a whole lot about effective leadership in the work place or within an organization, I couldn’t maintain respect for the facilitator in light of his blatant disrespect for women (in general) and his wife (in particular). But this is more than me. What do you think of this man and his ideologies? Do you think women should only work in capacities approved by their husbands? Should women submit their salaries or earnings to their husband? And when women realize that they have such husbands, should they just ‘accept their husbands like that’? I really would like to hear what you think of this.
Dear Future Family: Letter to Myself
PICTURE CULLED FROM: NATIONTRENDZ Dear 21st Century Strong Black Woman, Unfortunately, nobody has a song for you because they think you are a phase. But we will have to make do with Run the World by Beyonce. They have been trying to shut you out for so long it is a wonder you are still standing strong. Some even think you are ‘demonic’ for holding your own. Well girl, bask in their hate! Women like you who have refused to cower to the system have gone on to shine further and farther than anyone can ever imagine; women like Beyoncé, Oprah, Chimamanda Adichie, Ava Duvernay, Shonda Rhimes, Maya Angelou, Warsan Shire, Mo Abudu, Kemi Adetiba, Juliet K’ego and so many more that cannot be mentioned. So girl, shine! Write your own stories and force the earth to listen to your brilliance! That being said, we need to talk. First off, we know that you are whole, complete and full. Sometimes you wonder if you will ever find someone who sees the world like you do. You need to know that there are millions of men who not only see the world like you do but who are also searching for you. You have to be more accessible. Sometimes, let it all go down in the DM. Don’t be sending those nudes (tsk Yo Gotti) because there are some really crazy dudes out there who are all about revenge porn. But…be more open. Be more willing to interact with people. On a serious note though. You are complete. No arguing that. No man will complete you. That is given. But you have to allow that good man complement you. We are using the word ‘allow’. You know how you always want things to go your way, well…cut it out! Allow that man sweep you off your feet, allow him treat you like you are fragile even if the world knows you aren’t. We all know you are able to open the car door yourself, pull out your own seat in the restaurant and split the bill but if he insists on doing all these, let him girl! Good thing is, you can always do the same and ask him to get dressed, pick him up, open the car door for him, pull out his seat and pay the bills; just like Usher said in Trading Places. You can then laugh together while cuddling as you compare notes about who is better at the art of romance. He is not expecting you to take his name. How about you surprise him and do? I can see you balking and girl, you better listen! We ain’t here to play! You are no less a feminist if you take your husband’s name. Work hard on getting your name out there, work harder on being memorable and people will not be so bothered about your last name. Leave that for the government documents. I see you are still balking. Girl, when you hear Oprah and Beyoncé, doesn’t it take you a minute to remember what their surnames are? So our point is that you work hard at leaving a legacy and people will care only about your first name. But since you want to change the world with your man, a single name that rings true for your family makes you more awesome. You guys can choose a new name you want to go by if you are not comfortable with his family name. Think of the Durotoyes, the Gates, and the Carters (*wink). The name thing is a two way street. If that man fits into your expectations, you know you don’t need to worry about trivial things like names. Okay? Your mind is beautiful. We know that. We also know you are stubborn. Very! So though you have your own thoughts, you must listen to others once in a while. No one is a repository of knowledge and if you want to be relevant for long, you constantly have to open your mind to the wisdom of others. What better person to listen to than the man you love?! Everyone knows you will not pick someone who is mediocre so open yourself to him. Let him make decisions that you know are important and support him wholly. Baby girl, there are times you should just shut up and be led! Isn’t leading such a stressful path sometimes? And…remember what leadership is about? Following and service! Don’t be Sheldon Cooper or that always-angry woman in those Tyler Perry movies. You do not become less than you are by listening to your man. And about cooking, girl…you know you love to cook! Why are you acting up? We know that it can be tiring but you and he can work out a schedule. Now, don’t go bossing about getting that schedule followed to the tee. When he has a long day in the office, surprise him with a warm bath and piping hot food. Don’t hammer on it being his turn and let that man suffer. You know you would hate it if that is done to you. So, do to him what you would want done to you. Isn’t that the entire essence of the second most important commandment? Meet him at the door with a kiss, don’t nag, resolve fights quickly and when he is having that bath, rub out the kinks in his back and thighs so he can rest well for the hours of lovemaking communion you should have before bed. You know he will do the same for you if you had the long day. So don’t be selling fish. Treat him like a king as he should treat you like a queen. Honor him. Make him feel so good at home that he isn’t happy until he gets back. When at work, you can be the Sasha-fierce-go-getter that you are but when you come home, be a cuddly bear! And yes, we know you hate to cuddle! You will learn, girl, and you will learn fast! Also, learn to leave the office drama in
Dear Future Family: Letter to My Husband
Man Proposing with a diamond ringCulled from: SALON Dear future husband, Here are a few things you need to know if you want to be my one and only all my life. Hey Meghan Trainor, get out of my head! First off, I am a whole, complete and full human being. You do not ‘complete’ me, or make me ‘whole’. I am not half a human being who needs to be completed. I hope you also know that you are a whole, complete and full human being too. I am not in your life to complete you either. I was created for a purpose for which I have taken time to search and understand. Guess what? That purpose is not marriage! Marriage to you will be a PART of my life and not the entire essence of it. This means that whether I marry you or remain single, my life will still be fulfilled as long as I live my purpose. So if I decide to marry you, it will not be because marriage will make my life more fulfilling or meaningful. No. And if you haven’t found the ‘why’ of your life, you better keep that ring to yourself. Be rest assured that I will not marry someone whom I have to help find his way. Find the reason for your existence and THEN talk to me. Society doesn’t think my identity matters. They either want me to bare my father’s name or bare your name. It is like the concept of my identity threatens the faux power society wields. Well, I have decided to give my middle finger to society. Taking your name is not compulsory. I love my name! I love my identity! So forgive me darling for wanting to hold on to my name. I mean, it doesn’t change the fact that I am your wife whether I take your name or not. Chimamanda Adichie isn’t less married because she didn’t take her husband’s name. Same with Beyoncé. I hope you can understand why I want to do this. The best qualities I bring to you are NOT my virginity, ability to cook nor how long I can pray. The best quality I am bringing to the table is the quality of my mind. I am not an ornament. I have a fully functional brain with my own thoughts, views, ideas and ideologies. I say what I think, whenever I feel. While I admire the quality of your mind, I will not shelve my ideas or views for yours. Your ideas are not better than mine because you are a man. They should be better on merit. And when they are better, I will admit it and respect yours but I will not accept the premise that the quality of an idea is based on which side of the gender divide one falls in. You are the head of our home but that doesn’t mean you are the master cum slave driver. We have one Master whom we both must defer to and HE is neither of us. So let me put this out there; I will not do ALL the house chores! That house is OUR home so we either work together to keep it or we don’t even bother walking down that road. If you want a wife to take care of all the home chores, that woman is not me. I will have no option but to bid you farewell and send out my best wishes to you. Let’s talk about sex baby. (Salt-N-Pepa, it is 2016. A new track won’t hurt!) Sex is a beautiful expression of a lot of things and could mean anything at any given time. I KNOW about sex; a lot! Knowing about sex doesn’t make me a ‘whore’ as popular belief says. Hey society, how come when a woman knows about sex she is a whore but when a man does he isn’t? We will break you society! Mark our words! I am not going to act naïve to feed your ego. I will actively partake in the pleasure giving and taking that is sex. There will be role playing games and oh-so-crazy adventurous things we will do in the bedroom (and on the couch, on the table, on the bar, on the floor. You can meet me in the bathr…wait Young Jeezy! Let me finish this!). If this doesn’t go well with your ego, you can go to moon and rest. You will not be missed; at least, not by me. My love, you know I like me some adventure. There are time I would want us to eat out, stay in a hotel, travel around the globe, try new things and basically be as much fun as possible. Even when we get older and can’t be jumping up and down, I still want us to find small pleasures that make memories worth keeping. I can honestly take care of myself. I believe in working hard for everything I need and then working some more for the things I want. I won’t marry you for financial security. My brain is capable of making me as wealthy as I want to be and all that independent of you. Don’t think you are doing me a favor by telling me about the money you are making. You may be Jay but you better believe that I am Bey. You can expect that I will bring in my own slice of the bacon which should be a naira for naira match of what you are bringing in. While I expect us to gift each other things over the course of our lives, don’t worry about my clothes, underwear, skin products, hair and makeup. I’ve got this. I also want you to know that I will buy houses, cars, bonds, businesses and other things I consider assets; and in my name too! Don’t fret. I expect you to do the same. When we have children, the onus of raising
Dear Future Family: Letter to My Husband 2
Man Proposing with a diamond ringCulled from: SALON Dear future husband, Here are a few things you need to know if you want to be my one and only all my life. Hey Meghan Trainor, get out of my head! First off, I am a whole, complete and full human being. You do not ‘complete’ me, or make me ‘whole’. I am not half a human being who needs to be completed. I hope you also know that you are a whole, complete and a full human being too. I am not in your life to complete you either. I was created for a purpose for which I have taken time to search and understand. Guess what? That purpose is not marriage! Marriage to you will be a part of my life and not the entire essence of it. This means that whether I marry you or remain single, my life will still be fulfilled as long as I live my purpose. So if I decide to marry you, it will not be because marriage will make my life more fulfilling or meaningful. No. And if you haven’t found the ‘why’ of your life, you better keep that ring to yourself. Be assured that I will not marry someone whom I have to help find his way. Find the reason for your existence and then talk to me. Society doesn’t think my identity matters. They either want me to bare my father’s name or yours. It is like the concept of my identity threatens the faux power society wields. Well, I have decided to give my middle finger to society. Taking your name is not compulsory. I love my name! I love my identity! So forgive me darling for wanting to hold on to my name. I mean, it doesn’t change the fact that I am your wife whether I take your name or not. Chimamanda Adichie isn’t less married because she didn’t take her husband’s name. Same with Beyoncé. I hope you understand. The best qualities I bring to you are not my virginity, ability to cook or how long I can pray. The best quality I am bringing to the table is the quality of my mind. I am not an ornament. I have a fully functional brain with my own thoughts, views, ideas and ideologies. I say what I think, whenever I feel. While I admire the quality of your mind, I will not shelve my ideas or views for yours. Your ideas are not better than mine because you are a man. They should be better on merit. And when they are better, I will admit it and respect yours but I will not accept the premise that the quality of an idea is based on which side of the gender divide one falls in. I do not believe you are the head of our home. We are partners in a relationship that is equality. Having said that, I understand that equality is also about sacrifice and compromise and I am willing to be reasonable for the greater good of our partnership. There are days when you should lead and there are days when I should. We need to play to our strengths and capabilities. So let me put this out there; I will not do all the house chores! That house is our home; so we either work together to keep it or we don’t even bother walking down that road. If you want a wife to take care of all the home chores, that woman is not me. I will have no option but to bid you farewell and send out my best wishes to you. Let’s talk about sex baby. (Salt-N-Pepa, it is 2016. A new track won’t hurt!) Sex is a beautiful expression of a lot of things and could mean anything at any given time. I know about sex; a lot! Knowing about sex doesn’t make me a ‘whore’ as popular belief says. Hey society, how come when a woman knows about sex she is a whore but when a man does, he isn’t? We will break you, society! Mark our words! I am not going to act naïve to feed your ego. I will actively partake in the pleasure giving and taking that is sex. There will be role playing games and oh-so-crazy adventurous things we will do in the bedroom (and on the couch, on the table, on the bar, on the floor. You can meet me in the bathr…wait Young Jeezy! Let me finish this!). If this doesn’t go well with your ego, you can go to moon and rest. You will not be missed; at least, not by me. My love, you know I like me some adventure. There are times I would want us to eat out, stay in a hotel, travel around the globe, try new things and basically be as much fun as possible. Even when we get older and can’t be jumping up and down, I still want us to find small pleasures that make memories worth keeping. I can honestly take care of myself. I believe in working hard for everything I need and then working some more for the things I want. I won’t marry you for financial security. My brain is capable of making me as wealthy as I want to be and all of that is independent of you. Don’t think you are doing me a favor by telling me about the money you are making. You may be Jay but you better believe that I am Bey. You can expect that I will bring in my own slice of the bacon which should be a Naira for Naira match of what you are bringing in. While I expect us to gift each other things over the course of our lives, don’t worry about my clothes, underwear, skin products, hair and makeup. I’ve got this. I also want you to know that I will buy houses, cars, bonds, businesses and other things I
The Unfairness Of Marriage
Culled from: MADAMNOIRE A time comes when women begin to feel the flutters of loneliness, where the desire to have a person they can call their own sets in. Marriage ideas begin to grow, and she starts to screen possible suitors according to her preformed ideology of what marriage entails. Soon enough, she settles on one man who satisfies at least 70% of her desires, if not all of it. That seems all good and diddly until the day after the wedding. Things change so drastically after she says ‘I do’ that she wonders whether she is on a roller-coaster ride. She wakes up to the reality that marriage may not be the fairy tale she had envisioned it to be. First of all, she loses her identity. She is no longer called ‘Martha’, ‘Janelle’, ‘Iniobong’ or ‘Safiya’, but ‘Mrs. (insert husband’s name)’. No one cares anymore that she was a person in her own right before she joined herself to her man. Many people conveniently forget her name because she is (huffs) now married. In the typical Nigerian context, she might be called Amariya, Iyawo, Nwunyem or our wife. Secondly, society expects her to stop dressing beautifully because she now no longer has any reason to. Society thinks she was dressing in an attractive manner to catch a man and having done so, should stop being attractive. No one cares that she probably dressed well because she wants to or loves to. On the other hand, no one expects the man to stop rocking his jeans and polo shirts. No one expects the man to look shabby on purpose. They expect him to always look dapper or the wife gets blamed; one of her many chores it seems. But the woman has to start wearing big(ger) clothes, wrappers and Abayas. If she is found wearing sexy clothes, or even normal clothes (such as jeans and a simple top or tee), she will not be able to live down the side-eye she is sure to get from other women…and men too. Also, if push comes to shove, the woman is expected to give up her career and job to play house and raise the kids (if there are any). This comes from the notion that husbands and children are the essence of the woman’s life. No one cares that raising kids is a two-parent affair; at least. A woman might have to give up on her life for her kids, because society dictates that kids are the center of her life. Does that, in essence, mean the kids are of no importance to the man or not as important to him as they are to the woman? When a woman considers marriage, let her realize that religion (if she practices any) places a huge role on women. In Christianity, it is expected that the woman submits to her husband (Ephesians 5:22-24) as the church would submit to God himself. The flip side is that, a man has to love the woman as Christ himself loved the church; willing to put up life to restore the world. Marriage in Islam is viewed as an important and sacred union between a man and woman that fulfills half of one’s religious obligations. Let women also consider that in Africa, the dictates of society on married women is condescending, patriarchal and in some cases, absolutely misogynistic. The unfairness of marriage is such that until you are willing submit to that man whom you profess to love, you are not expected to be talking about marriage. Submission of this sort, if not properly considered and digested, can lead to bitterness and immeasurable sorrow. If however, you are of the opinion that marriage is a partnership – as it should be – you would still need to contend with family members who refuse to accept your postulations. Men can get away with being opinionated about the things they want; women, not so much. We are changing the narrative, but it really is at a sloth’s pace. So really consider if you want to get married. Can you handle the pressure? Can you hold your own? Does your partner know who you are…and supports it? Because if you are marrying for the feelings of it, you may be headed for a place of such utter sorrow. Think about it…and prepare for that marriage if you choose to walk down that road.
