Ending Violence Against Women
Image Credit: BBC – AFRICA’S A COUNTRY There is a concerted effort to keep women ‘in their place in society’. It doesn’t matter if it is in the seeming free societies of the Europe, Australia, America or South East Asia; the strict societies of the Middle East; the budding developments of Africa; or the backwater towns of each of these regions. The common factor is that society has carved out a place for women and girls and when they refuse to stay in ‘their lane’, they are most often met with violence. Even worse than that is the number of women who stay in ‘their place’ and still suffer the debilitating effects of violence; domestic abuse, rape, female genital mutilation, overbearingly hard labor, child marriage, improper healthcare leading to extremely painful childbirth, maternal mortality and more. Violence against women has become a disease that has been permitted to stay; a disease that is fueled by patriarchy, misogyny, bigotry and the pervading view that women are less than men. Since the dawn of time, many women have accepted their lot in life and have never questioned the status quo. When some women stand up against the injustices that society metes out to them, they are met with resistance from men, which is expected, and from women too, which is just sad. We admit that men are not the only proponents of patriarchy and the irony isn’t lost on anyone. This means that in ending violence against women, the mandate has to go back to women. Women have to be taught that; 1. We are human beings first and thus, equal to men. We are not by nature of our gender less than men; be it physically, emotionally, mentally or psychologically. Some of our physiology may be different but we are inherently equal; 2. The ONLY thing a man can do that a woman CANNOT do is provide sperm. In like manner, the ONLY thing women can do that men CANNOT do is carry a child from fertilization to term and produce milk to suckle the child. These two things are purely physiological; 3. Women are emotional beings who are logical too. Just as men are. It is pure fallacy to think that women are ONLY emotional and men ONLY logical. This ruse has been used to keep women in ‘their place’ when it comes to leadership, governance, family direction and the likes; 4. Women CAN and WILL do any and everything they set their minds to and shouldn’t believe otherwise. She can be an astrophysicist or a housewife. Women have the brain capacity to do it all; 5. Women are not to be corrected with physical abuse. There is no cause – just or otherwise – for hitting a woman. When she does wrong, she should be told she has done wrong and allowed to learn from her mistakes. Flogging, beating, slapping, cutting, hitting or punching her is NOT ACCEPTABLE! Under no circumstance is spousal abuse right; 6. It is not a woman’s fault that she is raped or sexually assaulted and abused. It is the perpetrator’s fault. The entire blame lies with the abuser. A woman does not invite rape by dressing in a certain way, or by being on the bus alone, or by wearing make-up, or by putting pictures on her social media platforms, or by walking home in the dark, or by hanging out with that male friend, or by refusing her husband sex or by trusting that uncle (or brother, father, family friend, teacher or anyone she knows) and a woman definitely doesn’t invite rape by having her own opinions and standing for them; 7. Women have every right to have and hold their own opinions, whether similar or vastly different from popular norms, without fear of harassment and abuse; 8. Women have a right to inheritance and ownership of property without being harassed by male family members or in-laws. The home wives live in with their husbands and children is as much theirs as it is their spouses. No one has the right to evict them from their homes in the event of the demise of their husbands. Adding to that, women are not to be treated in barbaric and unfair manner to prove that they are not culpable in their husband’s death. People die! deal with it; 9. No woman should have to face ANY FORM of female genital mutilation. Every organ on the body has its use and function and beyond that, it is not beneficial to any woman to have part of or all of her external genitalia removed in the guise of enforcing sexual purity. Female genital mutilation is a totally unhealthy, irrelevant and an unnecessary procedure and must be stopped globally; 10. Every woman is as sexual a being as men are. A woman’s urges and desires does not make her a ‘whore’, ‘prostitute’ or even loose. If a woman who chooses sexual freedom is to be labelled, men who do same should be labelled too. The wanton double standards have to come to an end! Some women, like some men, have higher libido than others and THAT IS OKAY! A woman has the right to explore her sexuality without fear of being labelled or worse, attacked. She has the right to make her own choices of chastity or sexual freedom without being forced to tow a line; 11. Women ARE NOT PROPERTY! They are not to be bought and sold like goods in the open market; whether it is for marriage or for forced prostitution. A woman is a full, living, breathing person and selling her not only demeans her humanity, it speaks of character so vile it has to be purged. No woman should be a slave to anyone and; 12. EVERY WOMAN is entitled to proper healthcare from birth until death. She shouldn’t have to die from diseases or childbirth because her family or spouse do not believe in modern medicine or the importance of hospitals. Malaria, typhoid, diarrhea and maternal mortality are things we
Good Christian People II
Add caption Tolulope has been facing abuse from her family and boyfriend because of a mistake she made. She is about to be pounced on by her brother in-law and her sister. Would she escape the beating she is sure to get? Will her life get better? Find out by continuing the story. Remember, all the events of this story are based on true events. Only the names have been changed. If you haven’t seen Part 1, start off here. *** For 2 days they beat Tolulope, punctuating each slap or kick or punch with the Bible thrust into her face, reminding her that she could be free when she swore to give up her boyfriend and their child. She lost consciousness several times and as soon as she came to, the threats and subsequent beatings continued. By the third day, she couldn’t take it anymore. She went to them while they breakfasted and knelt down. ‘Uncle, Aunty, I have come here to apologize. I have been a fool. I have been a disobedient child and I have been sinful. Today, I want to swear before you and God that I have repented and I will never see Femi or Ayo again. I will obey you with the whole of my heart and do anything you want. If you still want me to swear with the Bible, I will do so.’ Aderopo smiled. ‘You have done well. If you had agreed since, you wouldn’t have suffered all these things. But you know that God told me to do that. Anyway, go and eat.’ For a week, Tolulope was the picture of the perfect niece; waking up early, cleaning the house, bathing the kids, prepping them for school, cooking the household meals and doing the dishes and laundry. For one week Tolulope didn’t speak to Femi or her daughter or anyone else for that matter. She was not allowed to go out of the gate by the express instruction of Aderopo but she didn’t even attempt to. Until her opportunity came. Friday, the gate man, left the house every day at 1pm and 4pm to play draft at the top of the street. He would return after 30 minutes and continue his work; like clockwork. He usually locked the door from outside with a piece of stick instead of the padlock. Her sister had gone to the market and Tolulope knew she had time. Her uncle was not due back until 6pm. This had to happen today or no other day. As soon as it was 1pm, Friday set off for his game. Tolulope gave him 5 minutes. She ran out to the gate and started shaking it. Gently, gently she did to see if she could dislodge the stick. She continued on for 15 minutes and with each push-and-tug, she despaired at getting caught. Finally the stick fell! She opened the gate and looked out. There was no one on the street. She got out of the house, put the stick back in place and walked away. The street was a typical upscale street in Abuja. There were no hiding places and getting a bike or taxi was hard. She had to walk long distances to get one. She walked as calmly as she could because she didn’t want to arouse attention. She nearly died when she saw a car coming her way. Was it her uncle? His wife? Was she about to be caught? Her heart was beating faster than was healthy. Her legs couldn’t carry her further and she just stood there. The car inched closer…and closer… …and then it passed. Phew! It wasn’t her family! That was her cue. Damn any attention she would draw to herself. She had to run! And run she did! When she got to the top of the street, she saw a bike and used all her desperation to flag him down. When he stopped, Tolulope saw, from the corner of her eye, the unmistakable red of her uncle’s car and before she could tell the bike man where, she jumped on, and shouted ‘Go! Go! Go!’ The bike man roared with speed and passed Aderopo who wondered at the rough rider and continued home. There were two car parks close to the estate and Tolulope asked the driver to take her to the farthest. Her heart was still racing and she knew she was not out of the loop yet. When they got to the park, she saw a vehicle going to Kaduna and they needed just one person to fill it. She jumped into it and the driver collected her money. As he went about looking for change, Tolulope kept praying she would escape. She just wanted to leave; she just wanted to live. When they finally got on their way, they got caught in traffic. Maybe God wasn’t going to help her after all. She knew that her uncle would come after her and he would not stop at anything. She kept praying and praying until the red jaguar rolled up and stopped right by their side; by Tolulope’s side. It was her uncle. She was in the back seat but if he looked, he would see her in the rearview mirror. Tolulope ducked, hitting the Muslim woman beside her. The woman asked what the fuss was about. ‘That man in that car is my uncle. He has been raping me for years and beating me. I just escaped today. Please, help me.’ The woman looked at him and looked at her. She looked at him again. She made up her mind, took off her veil, covered Tolulope and put her hand on her. The man in the car looked at her and she could almost feel his malevolence. He looked away and inched closer in the traffic lane. After 15 minutes, the gridlock opened and they were on their way. Smooth sailing to Kaduna. And all through, the girl she had just helped cried and cried. *** When Tolulope
Good Christian People
Based on true events. Girl crying.Image: Women’s Net Tolulope Brainard sat in front of Dr. Kikelomo with bated breaths. Everything seemed to be going in slow motion. She was sure that the result in that envelope would change her life forever, yet she dreaded what it would say. She wanted to pray but knew that whatever prayer she sent now was too late anyway. It was either positive or negative. ‘You are pregnant Tolulope.’ Dr. Kikelomo said. She didn’t just say it with finality; that would have been nice. Dr. Kikelomo said that with cynicism, seemingly mocking her predicament. Tolulope got up to leave. Dr. Kikelomo stopped her in her tracks. ‘I must say that I am ashamed of you. How could you have been fornicating all this while? What a shame you are to the church! You do know I am sending the report to the pastor so you can be disciplined right?’ Tolulope looked back at her and turned the door knob. She walked out of the consulting room and out of the hospital. As she wandered the streets in a state of confusion, her life’s choices began to flash before her. *** Tolulope was born into a strong Christian family. She was the youngest girl of four siblings; one brother and three sisters. Her father died when she was five and her mother took up the responsibility of taking care of them. They were poor; not piss poor, but poor still. Her mother, if anything, became more religious. She spent all her time reading her Bible, attending church services and doing evangelism. Tolulope grew up on nothing but the Bible, its edicts and its teachings. Her mother drummed morality into all her children, chief of which was staying away from fornication. Tolulope knew by heart all the Bible verses about sexual sins. Her oldest sister – Shayo – was married off to the church choirmaster, Aderopo Bolaji, when she was 17. He was a middle class man who worked in the government. He took the load off Tolulope’s mother by paying most of her bills. As he got promoted, his burden increased; he became the chief financier of Tolulope’s family. He trained Tolulope’s siblings until only Tolulope was left. When Tolulope got into the university, she maintained her Christian life. She studied hard, prayed a lot, never missed campus fellowships and completely stayed off boys. She did all that until she met Femi. Femi was handsome, intelligent and dedicated to the things of God. He was, in her definition, the perfect man. No one taught her to understand her body and its urges so when she started feeling things for Femi, she chucked it up to being ‘sinful’. She prayed to God to deliver her from her feelings and when that didn’t happen, blamed Him for them. She found out later that Femi also shared same feelings and they started dating…or more appropriately, courting. They never spent any time alone together. They always had a chaperone or a friend. They didn’t want to tempt the devil to cause them to sin. When they had dated for 2 years, Femi proposed and Tolulope said yes. She was elated! She couldn’t wait to share the happy news. She called her mother and sister Shayo and they seemed genuinely pleased. God had sent them a good man. When Shayo told Aderopo, he flew into a rage. How dare Tolulope date someone? Who gave her the right to date anyone he had not first approved off? Shayo was surprised at the anger but since the Bible urged her to submit to her husband, she soon began to see things in his light. Aderopo began to make life harder for Tolulope. He told her to choose between Femi and continuing her education. When she didn’t listen, he threatened to stop sending money to their sick mother. Tolulope told Femi everything and they decided to keep their relationship secret until Shayo’s husband was more cooperative. Well, she couldn’t hide it any more. *** Carrying the pregnancy was the hardest thing Tolulope had to do. Aderopo beat her every day, maybe hoping she would lose the pregnancy. Shayo joined her husband in the beatings. When they weren’t beating her, they were piling house chores on her. They prevented her from going to church because she was, in their words, a disgrace to their family. The only time Tolulope was happy was when she returned to school but even that was a drag. Her course mates gave her that how-can-you-be-born-again-and-pregnant look. She couldn’t explain that she had had sex with Femi in a moment of weakness and the result had been the baby. She couldn’t explain that she had prayed to God, begged for His forgiveness and felt that she deserved the suffering she was facing at the moment. Femi’s mother, who had been so loving when they were introduced, suddenly became a monster when Femi told her about the pregnancy. She swore that Tolulope was the corrupting influence on her very Christian son. She swore that when Tolulope gave birth, she would take ‘their baby’ and be done with her. Tolulope was afraid she would lose her child. So every day, she prayed, hoped and begged God to let the child be okay and to be able to keep it. Maybe God finally took pity on her. *** Tolulope had not seen her sister’s family in two years. Since that day when she took out the IV line from her hand, took her baby and walked out of the hospital, she had not even thought of them. She was happy with her beautiful child and even though she had to hide the effects of Femi’s physical abuse from the inquisitive eyes (and hands) of her daughter, she was happy. Oh! She didn’t tell you? Femi was abusive too. From the moment she turned up at his door, he took every opportunity to beat her. And he had many excuses; she was a temptress, she
Just a Twitter Trend
Beautiful black woman sitting in front of her computer.Image: Blunt Moms. She had decided to share her story. It wasn’t the timing that convinced her to finally spill her gut, as there was no time appropriate enough to share the horrifying things that had happened to her for the last five years. The country was becoming progressive as could be seen on social media and deciding to share the story on Twitter was something she was sure would be a good decision. She didn’t want to trend or anything; she just wanted to share the story and get it off her mind. She hoped that someone among her 6,000 tweeps who had similar experiences would see her story and glean some form of hope for the future. She debated whether or not to set up a new Twitter account or just use her own. All her personal information was linked on social media and she was worried people might troll her to eternity. She also knew she was going to be touching some of the ‘untouchables’ in the country. Her safety was something she needed to really consider. That was why she moved houses, quit her job, changed her numbers, stopped going to her church and cut out her friends. She had no family so it was easy to ‘drop off the face of the earth’. She was going to do this if it was the last thing she did. She got out her computer, connected to the internet, and started typing. *** @marthaomohkpeda: Hi guys. I am Martha Omokpeda. I am the only child of my parents and I am 23 years old. I am a runs girl and this is my story. 1. @marthaomohkpeda: I was born to a middle class family and being an only child, I had a very comfortable life. I had almost everything I wanted. 2. @marthaomohkpeda: When I was 17, my world turned upside down with the fatal accident of my parents. They had not been buried when the banks foreclosed our properties because they were all mortgaged. 3. @marthaomohkpeda: Turned out my parents were bankrupt and we were neck deep in debt. The family lawyer got me off the hook because I was a minor and… 4. @marthaomohkpeda: …because I could not be held responsible for my parents’ actions. The banks let me go with a box of clothes and nothing else. I set out for the world with less than N200,000 in my account. 5. @marthaomohkpeda: I paid for a house, knowing that a base was the most important thing I needed at that moment. I also paid my school fees, as I had just gained admission into the university. 6. @marthaomohkpeda: By the time I had settled in, I had just N30, 000 left in my account. I knew that I had to find work as soon as possible or get a rich boyfriend. That was when I met Hadiza Umaru. 7. @marthaomohkpeda: Hadiza was the epitome of beauty and the biggest girl in school. She had a Range Rover, rented one of the biggest houses in town and only wore designer clothes. She was a year ahead of me and as faith would have it… 8. @marthaomohkpeda: …she was carrying over a course I was going to take. On the first day of lectures, she sat down beside me. When the class was over, she started a conversation with me. She needed my help. 9. @marthaomohkpeda: She wanted me to cover for her in class, let her know of any tests or assignment and generally keep her abreast of what was happening in the department. I must say I was enthralled by her beauty and said yes. 10. @marthaomohkpeda: The first time I wrote a test for her because she was out of town, she sent me N50,000 as appreciation. I was shocked beyond words. I knew that I had found THE WAY to make money. 11. @marthaomohkpeda: I did this for one semester, and I was never broke in school. Soon enough, Hadiza brought her friends into the mix. They were all big girls who couldn’t be bothered with the rigors of school. 12. @marthaomohkpeda: When we were getting into 200L, I had saved up to N350,000 from my work for the girls. I was feeling like a big girl too until Hadiza invited me to hang out with her at her house. 13. @marthaomohkpeda: When I saw the splendor of her house, I couldn’t help but salivate. I sat down like a true JJC and just drank in the magnificence of her ‘school apartment’. I wondered what her REAL APARTMENT looked like! 14. @marthaomohkpeda: She got her maid to serve me a platter of finger foods that I had not been able to afford since my parents died. Then came lunch and I almost fainted at the array of continental cuisine. And the dessert! 15. @marthaomohkpeda: When we were done, we retired to the living room and lounged on the couch. Hadiza stared at me for a few minutes until I was visibly uncomfortable. I squirmed as I waited for her to say something. 16. @marthaomohkpeda: She told me she was rich because she ‘used what she had to get what she wanted’. It sounded clichéd but I didn’t pretend not to understand. 17. @marthaomohkpeda: She told me she had seen my ‘hunger’ and if I was willing, I could be way richer than I could ever imagine by being a runs girl. She didn’t need to convince me much. I was game! 18. @marthaomohkpeda: We went to our first party and I got my first client; a commissioner. He was quite boring and I wore him out in less than 40 minutes. He was so well sated that he gave me N200,000 that night. 19. @marthaomohkpeda: I poured the money in my lap and almost fainted with excitement! In one night, I got this much money! What would happen in a month?! 20. @marthaomohkpeda: That is how I continued with my new found source of income. We went out every Thursday and returned on
Dad, Mum…You Failed Us!
Mrs. Jatau saw the light on her phone before it began to ring. She was almost sure it was her first daughter calling. She was not wrong. ‘I am just putting the last touches to my makeup. I will soon be there’, she rushed before her daughter could say anything. ‘Okay Mum. We are waiting for you.’ Annabel responded as she dropped the call. Mrs. Jatau sighed. She could not put it off anymore. She took her keys and purse, sent a prayer to heaven and left her house. She was going to her daughter’s wedding introduction. *** ‘Daddy, come out of your room now! Ha ahn! Do you want the guests to come in and wait for you?‘ Sandra all but shouted. She was the last child of the Jataus’ and had grown up when their parents had gone soft. She could say anything to them; which was slightly different from her four elder ones. ‘I said I am coming now! Go away and leave me alone.’ he responded in his rich tone. ‘Daddy, if you are not out in two minutes. I will break your door oh!’ She returned, pouting her lips and stamping her feet. She may be 20 years but she was all child. ‘If you like, burn the house sef. I will only come out when I deem fit. And I can see that mouth that you are pushing up. I have always told you that it makes you look like fish…a Tilapia.’ Sandra laughed and walked away. Mr. Jatau sighed. He could not hide in his room anymore. He admitted he was scared. But if he remained in his room, that would be awfully rude to the guests he was expecting. Though he had never had a good relationship with his oldest daughter, this was not the time to completely ruin what was left of it. He sucked in air into his large tummy and opened the door. The sooner he got over this, the quicker he could go to the club house and share some laughs with his cronies. He walked down the stairs to his living room. *** This was the first time in 18 years that the entire Jatau family was seated in one room. Oliver, the first child, was reclining in one of the sofas. Tall, buff and selfish, he managed to look like a king. The three daughters sat together on the sofa, with Robert, their adopted brother, sitting in between Annabel and Elizabeth while Sandra sat on the floor. The sitting arrangement was such that both their parents sat opposite them. Mr. and Mrs. Jatau managed to sit as far apart as possible without looking like they were trying to do. Annabel sighed. She cleared her throat and began. ‘Dad, Mum…before our guests turn up, we have some things to tell you. I will start and my siblings will join in.’ She looked from one parent to the other and then her sisters. Her parents were trying all they could not to squirm but it was not working. It was as uncomfortable for them as it was for her. She sucked in her breath, stared at the floor, and started talking. ‘Today is exactly 18 years since you got divorced.’ The finality in her voice had a ring of judgment to it and it got the desired effect on her parents; guilt and shame. Even though they had been divorced that long, Mrs. Jatau maintained his name because in Africa, you are better off with a ‘Mrs.’ attached to your name. ‘I will start with you, Daddy.’ This time she looked straight at her dad. He dropped his head and put his arms between his thighs; the classic pose he took when he was insecure, sad or contemplative. Annabel knew she had to get the edge off her voice. ‘Daddy, you were never nice to Mummy…well, not never. But in most cases, you weren’t. I grew up seeing Mummy pick up the slack when you should have been taking care of us. You were more a man-about-town, spending for other people, than you were in catering to your family’s needs. Mummy never let us go hungry, even if you never brought in any money’. That was Elizabeth’s cue. ‘Daddy, all through our stay in school, you never paid school fees on time; sometimes paying the first term fees in second term. We got to be known as one family that alwaysdefaulted in fees. It was so bad that one teacher came into the class to drive students who had not paid school fees and as soon as he entered, he said “Elizabeth Jatau, I don’t need to look at the list to know your name is on it. So pack your books and go home.” I wanted to die Daddy! Everyone in class laughed. I acted like I was okay but my spirit broke’. ‘Even when Mummy paid our school fees, you beat up Annabel for daring to accept the money’, Sandra said. There was a catch in her voice and that pricked her father and mother. She was their baby, and they were all fiercely protective of her. Mrs. Jatau started crying. She didn’t plan to but her eyes couldn’t hold back anymore. Mr. Jatau maintained his stoic expression. He still had his head down. Annabel continued. ‘When the divorce finally pulled through, you banned us from seeing our mother. When, after less than three months, you married again, and our lives became a living hell. Your wife would maltreat us…’ Annabel’s voice wavered. The tears were about to drop, but she controlled it. She sniffed just as Robert rubbed her back. She smiled at him and faced her father again. ‘I remember when Mummy bought us school scandals. You came home, went straight to our room like you knew Mum had brought us things. You rounded up the scandals and poured kerosene on them. With one strike, they went up in flames. We watched them burn, knowing you were not going to
