Boundaries
Photo by Alex Green from Pexels I have been thinking about boundaries a lot. As a people, and by that I mean Africans and black people in general, we seem to be have a poor understanding of boundaries. In a way, it can be blamed on our socio-cultural style of community living. You see, our cultures promote relationships where it is okay for everyone to be in your space: expected even. Parents believe that since they birthed a child, they have exclusive rights to all aspects of their lives. Siblings and friends think their relationship guarantee them unfettered access to those close to them. Teachers feel that because they impact knowledge, they can do as they please with the students in their care. Employers use people’s need for work and a paycheck to try to control the lives of their employees. Even the everyday market (wo)man and complete strangers think they have a right to know what’s up with you. It is a never-ending cycle of intrusion of people’s spaces! The idea of people having boundaries seems…foreign to many in our communities. In fact, the idea that a person would deign to demand boundaries is not just seen as ludicrous, it is perceived as an insult. But are boundaries an impossible – even disrespectful – ask? I would think not. Recently, I saw a definition of ‘boundaries’ that felt just…right. “A boundary is a limit or space between you and the other person; a clear place where you begin and the other person ends . . .” – Positive Psychology. Ooooh! The power in that statement! No matter what relationship we have with people, we need a clear space where we begin but most especially, where the other person ends. I believe that from a young age, people should begin to define their boundaries. It is okay to tell your parents – especially when you are an adult – that you have thought through an idea and can make your own decisions about them. Yes, they birthed you. They took care of you. They raised you. But does that mean that they should know – and control – every aspect of your life? The answer is no. This will be perceived as promoting ‘disrespect’, but it is a critical step in the evolution of the parent-child relationship or any relationship for that matter; in essence, it is promoting a culture of respect. Setting those boundaries ensure that relationships grow without any toxicity that would eventually create resentment. Let me give you an example. I used to always walk into my sister’s room without knocking. Of course, knocking on siblings’ doors was not ‘normal’ to us. If we wanted something, we just went in and got it. One day, my sister – whom I must add is significantly younger than me – asked me to knock on her door before I came in. I was livid! ‘Who the hell did she think she was?’ I thought to myself. But after a while, I understood it. It was her room, her space. I couldn’t just barge into it just because I was older. She wasn’t disrespectful to me…even though it would have been perceived as that in our community. But if I continued to barge into her room without knocking, I would be disrespectful to her. And because she was younger than me, she would take it…and resentment would grow. My sister showed me that she knew where she began…and why her own space was important. She was telling me to accord her the same respect that she did me and it was an illuminating moment for me. Even though she was enforcing boundaries for her physical space, we can take a cue from her and build boundaries for our emotional, mental, and spiritual spaces. I analyse my relationship with everyone now. I ask certain questions that determine how much of me a person is allowed to experience. And it may sound weird, but I build spaces in my head where I fit each individual. This helps me for example, shut down innuendos from colleagues that would be normal with friends or maintain an aloof personality at events instead of the bubbly persona close associates know me with etc. I wasn’t always like this. I used to let everyone in my spaces because I prided myself on being an ‘open book’. I am still open…I just don’t want everyone walking all over my spaces and dumping bits and pieces of themselves where I should – exclusively – be. And best of all is, I cannot abide by any disrespect of my person: because like I have established, people will disrespect you! Give them an inch…and you know what the rest would mean. So…I am learning to define myself: ‘where do I begin?’, ‘where do I end?’. Then I define others; parents, siblings, friends, lovers, acquaintances, colleagues, strangers etc. Where do they begin and where do they end? Having defined my relationships, I have built the requisite boundaries. I think you can take a cue from this. Ensure your boundaries are respected by constantly repeating them until they become the norm. Then respect other people’s boundaries…even if they don’t seem to have clearly defined ones. Or in other words, using the famous words of the Jew, Jesus Christ, “So then, in everything treat others the same way you want them to treat you, for this is [the essence of] the Law and the [writings of the] Prophets.” – Matthew 7:12 (Amplified Bible).
The Unfairness Of Marriage
Culled from: MADAMNOIRE A time comes when women begin to feel the flutters of loneliness, where the desire to have a person they can call their own sets in. Marriage ideas begin to grow, and she starts to screen possible suitors according to her preformed ideology of what marriage entails. Soon enough, she settles on one man who satisfies at least 70% of her desires, if not all of it. That seems all good and diddly until the day after the wedding. Things change so drastically after she says ‘I do’ that she wonders whether she is on a roller-coaster ride. She wakes up to the reality that marriage may not be the fairy tale she had envisioned it to be. First of all, she loses her identity. She is no longer called ‘Martha’, ‘Janelle’, ‘Iniobong’ or ‘Safiya’, but ‘Mrs. (insert husband’s name)’. No one cares anymore that she was a person in her own right before she joined herself to her man. Many people conveniently forget her name because she is (huffs) now married. In the typical Nigerian context, she might be called Amariya, Iyawo, Nwunyem or our wife. Secondly, society expects her to stop dressing beautifully because she now no longer has any reason to. Society thinks she was dressing in an attractive manner to catch a man and having done so, should stop being attractive. No one cares that she probably dressed well because she wants to or loves to. On the other hand, no one expects the man to stop rocking his jeans and polo shirts. No one expects the man to look shabby on purpose. They expect him to always look dapper or the wife gets blamed; one of her many chores it seems. But the woman has to start wearing big(ger) clothes, wrappers and Abayas. If she is found wearing sexy clothes, or even normal clothes (such as jeans and a simple top or tee), she will not be able to live down the side-eye she is sure to get from other women…and men too. Also, if push comes to shove, the woman is expected to give up her career and job to play house and raise the kids (if there are any). This comes from the notion that husbands and children are the essence of the woman’s life. No one cares that raising kids is a two-parent affair; at least. A woman might have to give up on her life for her kids, because society dictates that kids are the center of her life. Does that, in essence, mean the kids are of no importance to the man or not as important to him as they are to the woman? When a woman considers marriage, let her realize that religion (if she practices any) places a huge role on women. In Christianity, it is expected that the woman submits to her husband (Ephesians 5:22-24) as the church would submit to God himself. The flip side is that, a man has to love the woman as Christ himself loved the church; willing to put up life to restore the world. Marriage in Islam is viewed as an important and sacred union between a man and woman that fulfills half of one’s religious obligations. Let women also consider that in Africa, the dictates of society on married women is condescending, patriarchal and in some cases, absolutely misogynistic. The unfairness of marriage is such that until you are willing submit to that man whom you profess to love, you are not expected to be talking about marriage. Submission of this sort, if not properly considered and digested, can lead to bitterness and immeasurable sorrow. If however, you are of the opinion that marriage is a partnership – as it should be – you would still need to contend with family members who refuse to accept your postulations. Men can get away with being opinionated about the things they want; women, not so much. We are changing the narrative, but it really is at a sloth’s pace. So really consider if you want to get married. Can you handle the pressure? Can you hold your own? Does your partner know who you are…and supports it? Because if you are marrying for the feelings of it, you may be headed for a place of such utter sorrow. Think about it…and prepare for that marriage if you choose to walk down that road.
