The First Time
Photo by Reproductive Health Supplies Coalition on Unsplash ‘Remember the family from which you are from and be careful the things you do.’ These words from my mother were playing in my head as I walked to the chemist to buy contraceptives. You see, I had not been thinking of my parents when I had sex, and I had definitely not been thinking of my family when I had sex without protection. So here I was, 17 years old, feeling my heart constrict as I thought, ‘Was I pregnant? Could I be pregnant from having done it once?’ Oooh! If I was pregnant, I was going to be in a world of trouble. How would I face my very conservative family where we were raised to act, think, believe and behave a certain way? My mother would kill me! Or maybe send me out of the house. Would I have to raise the child on the streets? Would the father – curse him for refusing to use protection – help me? Oh, who was I kidding? He would probably get away with it while my entire life turns upside down. My steps quickened as these thoughts ran through my head, matching the erratic beat of my heart. Funny that a heart attack would be preferred right now than the idea of being pregnant. Finally, I was at the chemist. I took a deep breath, steeled myself and entered. There must have been seven people in that small room, all waiting to be served. I could barely see the shelves and their different sections: drugs on one side, groceries on another, and other Knick knacks here and there. What I could see clearly was that ‘Doctor’ was moving from shelve to counter with the speed of experience. PS: He wasn’t a real doctor. The community had just gotten used to calling him that. He turned to me. ‘Yes? What do you want?’ Of course, I wasn’t going to say what I wanted in front of all these people. There was no way I was going to bring shame to my family – my mother! – by letting these adults know that I had had sex. So, I looked around and my gaze fell on a bar of Snickers on one shelf. I love chocolate…and I just found my escape. ‘Snickers, please.’ Doctor went to the shelf, picked it up and passed it to me. He stretched out his hand for his money, but I looked away, pretending there was more I wanted. He walked to another person and his trips from shelf to counter continued. He, however, continuously glanced at me…probably making sure I didn’t run away. When everyone had left the shop, he turned his full attention to me. ‘Ehen. Anything else?’ He turned away from me, picking up a juice packet to return to its shelf. With his back to me, I bolstered courage and asked for what I really wanted. ‘I…I…can I…please have…Postinor?’ Doctor froze and slowly turned to me. My chest tightened furiously, sweat began to drop from armpits and my palms became clammy. ‘You say what?’ Doctor bellowed. ‘Ermmm…the drugs you use for…’ ‘I know what it is used for!’ Doctor interrupted. ‘What is a small girl like you doing with Postinor? So as small as you are, you are an ashawo?’ I flinched. In my community, Ashawo was a crude term used to refer to sex workers, or women who dared to be openly sexual. And now, I had been classified as one. Just then, another customer walked in. I gasped. ‘Look at this small girl oh.’ He engaged the new customer. ‘She wants to buy Postinor. She don spoil so tey she dey sleep with man and she know wetin she go do make she no get belle. She wan continue this behavior.’ The man looked at me, a look of judgment on his face mirroring that of Doctor…and what I knew would be the same look on my mother face. I wanted to turn back and run away but I imagined all the beating I would get, and other ways my mother would communicate her displeasure if I got pregnant. The fact that I would be ostracized in the community did not even scare me like what my mother would do to me. If I didn’t get this contraceptive, my life as I knew it might as well be over. So, I squared my shoulders, flared my nostrils, looked at Doctor straight in the eyes and shouted, ‘Mr. Man! Are you going to sell the Postinor to me or not?!’ If word was going to get my mother, they could as well add that I was also a rude child. Doctor look at me, turned to the shelf with the contraceptive, picked it up and tossed it at me over the counter. In like manner, I took the money from my purse, bunched it up and tossed it right back at him. And even though I wanted to run out of the shop, I raised my head up and walked out as calmly as my shaky legs could carry me. That day, I got my contraceptives. I didn’t get pregnant. And my family never found out about the issues…until just now that is.
Family Planning For Sustainable Development
I woke up one morning and realized that my neighbors had used up all the water in the house and had not called the Mai Ruwa to refill the containers. I usually don’t go out myself to call him but since I was the only one preparing to go out at that time, I put on my slip and went out in search of him. The Mai Ruwa lived just opposite my house, so I didn’t have to walk far to find him. Because it was quite early, there were few people on the street, so I didn’t have to worry about anyone seeing my messy hair (which is almost always messy) or my oversized slip. As I crossed the street, I saw that the gate to the Mai Ruwa‘s house was open. When I reached the gate, I raised my hand to knock when this little Fulani boy – who bore a striking resemblance to the Mai Ruwa – came to the gate. ‘Ina Mai Ruwa?‘ I asked in Hausa. The boy just looked at me and pointed to the security guard’s corner of the house. I didn’t know that the Mai Ruwa doubled up as the security guard of the house; though, I should have known a Mai Ruwa couldn’t own such a prime piece of property. I walked towards the small apartment and saw the Mai Ruwa emerge from the room. As he approached me, I couldn’t help but notice that there were kids lying on the floor, almost like the arrangement of fish in sardine packages, with the youngest closest to the mother. From my count, there were four children in that tiny room. Add that to the little boy I just saw outside, and it meant that the Mai Ruwa had five children. Maybe the Mai Ruwa saw my prying eyes, because he quickly pulled his curtains down. I straighten and asked that he brings water to our house. He told me he would be there as soon as he could. As I returned to my house, I wondered how a man who doubled up as a Mai Ruwa and a security guard could have five children and have all of them living in one tiny room. This was a shock to me because I had done an in depth radio show on family planning in Adamawa, with resource persons from the Society for Family Health who explained the necessity for planning. I thought the issue was more rural but here I was, right at my door steps, in a very urban area, faced with an unplanned family. I consoled myself with the thought that the Mai Ruwa already had his children before my program so, maybe he wouldn’t have a sixth child. I went there a couple more times and realized that the spacing of the Mai Ruwa‘s children couldn’t have been more than one year between each child. They were literally just following themselves. In Northern Nigeria, many families are like the Mai Ruwa‘s; poor, not gainfully employed and surprisingly large. The issue of family planning – or the absence of it – is a big problem in this region. The problem is eating deep into the fabric of society. In the Northern part of the country, there are particular reasons why people have an aversion to planned families. 1. Religion: Nothing is a bigger determining factor than religion on the issue of family. Many people are of the belief that God is the one who gives children and as such, are totally against ‘planning’ a family. This phenomenon cuts across the two major religions in Nigeria. The Bible’s stance on family planning is almost non-existent; I used the term ‘almost’ because many people use the story of Onan and Tamar as a point to ‘prove’ God is against family planning. In Genesis 38:6-10 (better understanding will come if one starts from verse one), Onan kept pulling out of Tamar (that is, the withdrawal method) just so he wouldn’t perform his legal duties to his late brother Er as stipulated in Deuteronomy 25:5-6. While this Bible passage may seem to be against family planning, I don’t think it is. If you take a holistic view of the story, you will see that God was angry at Onan not necessarily for withdrawing during sex, but because he did that with the evil intention of not wanting to share his inheritance with any child Tamar bore; a child who would have been the true heir of their father Judah’s estates. In essence, the Bible’s view on family planning is relatively mute. So why are many Christians against planning their families? I believe it is because many of them are uneducated or not properly educated on the tenets of the Bible, which makes them accept any and every thing their leaders tell them. So when a preacher is against family planning, all he has to do is rally against it from his pulpit and his followers will accept it. And for those who take out the time to study, many do not understand the nuances that are in each scripture and that each scripture is inherently connected to others and thus, the whole Bible. They just latch onto one verse and solidify their opinions rather than take each verse as a small part of a whole. So anyone reading about Onan and Tamar would say, God is against planned families. Similarly, many Muslims say that it is against Allah’s will to plan their families, seeing it as a western idea postulated to pull people away from the ethics of Islam. That been said, I tried to research what the Qur’an says about the concept, but there seemed to be no direct verses about family planning. There are however verses on killing children (Qur’an 6:151, 17:51). I read an article by Jamal Zarabozo titled ‘Is Family Planning Allowed In Islam?’ on Islam Women and he said research has been done by Islamic scholars and they have come to the conclusion that spacing children is allowed if the parents have mutually found a reason that is Islamically acceptable to space them. He went further to explain that
