Men-Hating Feminists
Image: Ebony Magazine As more women are finding (and using) their voices, the dark forces of patriarchy seem to be retreating; albeit slower than a slug’s pace. Oh, there is still a long way to go before we can confidently say that women share the same pedestal with men but for the most past, we are not where we were one hundred years ago. Women in some climes can work, vote, run for office, choose their life’s paths, and receive inheritance. Though the strides are small, women are becoming visible; and not just as walking vaginas for the pleasure of men. What do we have to thank for it? A lot of it is hinged on ‘Feminism’. Of all the definitions of feminism that is out there, the most appealing to me is the one postulated by Bestselling Author, Chimamanda Adichie. ‘Feminist: a person who believes in the social, political and economic equality of the sexes.’ From the definition, we can infer that feminism calls for the equal treatment of men and women in all spheres of life. Feminism wants women to have equal access to education, health care, job opportunities, equal pay for same work done, protection from sexual predation and abuse, lack of discrimination based on gender to mention a few. Women want to be able to make the choices for their own lives, their sexuality, their reproductive health, whom they marry or even if they marry, their education and career choices, whether they want to be in governance or leadership etc. These are some of the core values and principles of feminism. However, easily ascribed the term ‘feminism’ is her twin, misandry. Misandry is; mɪˈsandri/ noun ‘dislike of, contempt for, or ingrained prejudice against men (i.e. the male sex).’ (Wikitionary) At the core of misandry is deeply rooted hate and prejudice against men. For many, this has stemmed from being repeatedly bashed by a system that favors men at the expense of women. For others, it is the men themselves that evoke this hatred and bitterness. The sheer disrespect, the overbearing ego, the unabashed entitlement and the callous treatment of our emotion and person can become too much to bear. It is no wonder that many of us become so filled with hate that we become misandrists. I know…because I was one of these women. The men in my life weren’t the best models for me and each man that came into my life affirmed my resolve to hate men. All of these men seemed to be cut from the same cloth. I got to see spousal abuse, child sexual abuse, rape, a constant reminder that women’s opinions didn’t matter, and even worse. Around me were women dealing with so much from the men in their lives that at an early age, I knew that I wouldn’t take it lying down. I made up my mind to never give any man that much power over me. Like me, most feminists came to this conclusion. Some of us went a bit further though. We delved into the ‘Men are scum’, ‘Men are trash’ and ‘Women are better than men’ groups. As we became less docile to the men in our lives, we became more hateful. While being less docile is fantastic, being hateful is not! Yes! I said it! Misandrists are almost as bad as patriarchists/misogynists in this regard: these broad groups are both fueled by hate and/or prejudice; they both undermine the importance of the other gender; they think the development of their societies lies squarely on their gender; and they overestimate their independence and are both bullishly stubborn in their prejudice. Hating the other half of the population doesn’t bode well for anybody. And this is why I believe feminists need to do better. We need to, as Michelle Obama so eloquently put, ‘go high when they go low’. We cannot reflect hate and prejudice and expect to stimulate change. Yes, we should be angry when we are discriminated against, when we have do not have equal access to healthcare, education, and job/leadership opportunities. We should refuse to watch women suffer the debilitating effects of domestic, emotional and sexual violence, human trafficking and forced prostitution. We must speak against inheritance, religious and cultural laws that disfavor women. We must cry out against female genital mutilation and child marriages and promote the choices women make with their bodies, clothing and sexuality. We should not become doormats to men who think we are not equal to them but we can do all this without resorting to hating men! Hate is a blinding emotion. It prevents us from seeing people’s humanity. Once that is firmly rooted, we treat people poorly and hurt them. They in turn treat us poorly and we have an unending circle of misunderstanding and dysfunction. Are some men scum? Yes! Are there men that are trash? Yes! Are some women better than some men? Oh yeah! But…are all men scum, trash or less than women? No! Also, there are women who are ‘scum’, ‘trash’ and despicable human beings. Men and women are equal! No gender is better than the other. We are both important to the advancement of our societies. We ALL need to contribute to moving the human race forward. Men couldn’t do it on their own. Women also can’t do it on our own. So why not join forces? So dear men-hating feminist, I know that we have gone through so much and have suffered a lot from men but can we ditch the hate? Can we give each man we meet the benefit of doubt and blank slates, judging them based on their own ideologies, belief systems and how they treat us rather than lumping them together in the negativity of their gender? Can we try to show these patriarchists that we are better, not because we are women, but because we have better understanding of the complexities of our humanity? Can we change the rhetoric? This may sound idealistic but I honestly believe it is doable. Do you?
Choosing Your Female Role Models
Growing up, I only had Oprah Winfrey to look up to. Yes, I wanted to be a neurosurgeon who found the cure to cancer but whenever I saw Oprah on TV, I totally connected to her. I was barely seven when I knew I wanted to be like her. While there were many white women presenting and influencing lives, Oprah was the only black woman I saw and what a black woman! She was dark skinned, thick and could hold her own. She had genuine empathy for her guests and whatever situation she was talking about. It wasn’t hard for people to connect to her. And as two-way streets go, she got to leave a little of herself in all of us. I love that woman! By that age, I had started acting and though my parents would have nothing to do with an actor or the profession, I took every opportunity to act. When I couldn’t, it wasn’t unusual to write elaborate stories in my head that I could star in. Those stories were my escape from reality and the happiness I felt in my stories spilled over to my reality. As I got older, I began to see more women role models. From Late Mrs. Williams, my Primary 3 teacher, who taught me to see people’s humanity first before their tribes, religions and beliefs, to girls like me who were topping their classes. Because I didn’t have a good relationship with my mother, it wasn’t until I got older that I realized just how much of a role model she was to me. Though she would not admit it, she was the closest definition of a feminist to me at that time. Oh, I didn’t know that word then but her stance on equal treatment of people molded my thoughts on equality. And then, when I was in secondary school, I stopped looking at black female role models. My role models became white women; Julia Roberts, Danielle Steel, Agatha Christie, and a host of M&B and eHarlequin writers. One day I woke up and wondered why I didn’t have black female role models. It wasn’t like I wasn’t learning a lot from these white women. I just felt I could also learn as much from women who had my skin tone and could possibly have shared my kind of experience. So… I looked! In music, in films, in education, in health, in politics, the arts, literature, construction, engineering, law, broadcast media and what not. And I found women! Everywhere! Every field! Every profession! Doing great things. Black women, white women, women of Asian heritage, Latina women, Arab women, all women! What helped me find them? Books, television, radio, the internet and my imagination! Everywhere I looked, there was one black woman doing inspiring things for her community and humanity at large. I wondered why these women weren’t celebrated more, why their achievements always seemed to be tied to the men in their lives and why young girls like me who felt different from the crop of conformists didn’t think we had models to look up to. And the answer was in the question. We ARE DIFFERENT from the norm! We are women who understand our worth and would not kowtow to popular opinions about who or what we should be! It was easy to connect to Oprah Winfrey, Whitney Houston, Beyoncé Knowles, Genevieve Nnaji, Kemi Adetiba, Mo Abudu, Shonda Rhimes, Ava Duvernay, Taraji P. Henson, Debra L. Lee, Ngozi Okonjo-Iweala, Amina Mohammed and many more because we are all strong black women living our dreams and influencing our societies. I don’t agree with all their opinions but what I have taken from each of them has made me the woman I am today; Ramatu Ada Ochekliye. We all need to choose female role models to draw our strengths from. There is absolutely nothing wrong in choosing women of different races, religions, tribes, ideologies and beliefs to be your role models. I chose black women because I can relate to them in many ways. I am still inspired by women who are not of my race; Hillary Clinton, Christiane Amanpour, Angela Merkel, Ellen DeGenegeres, Angelina Jolie, Malala Yousefzai to mention a few. Find women who resonate with your principles, your dreams and goals and emulate the better qualities they present as you strive to become the woman you are made to be. So today, our we celebrate every woman doing her thing, carving a niche in our world, inspiring the next crop of women to do and be better and contributing that umphh to the world that is gradually making the world better than it was yesterday. You rock!
Etiquette for Semi-Formal Meetings
Hey! Hey! Ramat is in the building! So by now, you must have heard I did a post about what turned out to be a horrible meeting BECAUSE I didn’t get food. I don’t play with my food at all! But more than that, I believe that etiquette is important! There are certain things people should and shouldn’t do and I dished on it in the new video log. The video is called ETIQUETTE FOR SEMI-FORMAL MEETINGS. Watch the new video below! Whoot whoot!
‘1 Girl, 1 Pad’ Campaign
Shades of Us is a forum for open discussions on issues affecting Africa, Africans and people of African descent, with a view of changing the ‘dark continent’ narrative of Africa. Since our inception in 2014, most of our work have been online campaigns for or against social issues and dysfunction. At the start of the year, we pledged to start doing more people-to-people work to affect our society; one community at a time. It is in lieu of this that we are partnering with Save our Women (SOW) Foundation for the ‘1 Girl, 1 Pad’ campaign. Save Our Women (SOW) Foundation seeks to help young girls be their best in everything they do. Also partnering with Save Our Women (SOW) Foundation is Women Regaining Value, a not-for-profit organization aimed at empowering women lost to social degradation. Here is what you need to know about the project and how you can be a part of it. WHAT IS ‘1GIRL 1PAD’? ‘Project 1Girl 1Pad’ is a campaign that is aimed at reaching out to young women in Internally Displaced Persons camp in Kaduna. This campaign would involve engaging women in Kaduna and its environs to donate a single pad towards the success of the campaign. Our goal is to ensure every female in the selected IDP camp has enough pads for the next 3 months assuming she has a menstrual period of 3days. WHY ‘1GIRL 1PAD’? Girls in IDP camps have had a hard time maintaining menstrual hygiene during their periods due to the inability to have and purchase sanitary pads. So ‘1Girl, 1 Pad’ project seeks to help these girls by providing pads through building a culture of giving back and volunteerism among women. WHEN IS ‘1GIRL 1PAD’? The campaign ends with a visit to an IDP camp on the 28th of May, 2017, in commemoration of International Menstrual Hygiene Day. The build up to the campaign will run all through May with campaign awareness visits to schools in Kaduna. HOW CAN I BE A PART? Make a donation of a pad today. You can also ask your friends and followers to be a part of the campaign by sharing posts about the project using the #1Girl1Pad and #May28 hashtags. To donate a pad, contact the following people; LOCATION SOW CONTACT PERSON PHONE NUMBER ABUJA Elizabeth Doo 08080905888 08167225202 AKWA IBOM Justina 08130994549 ILORIN, Kwara State Peace 08161260737 JOS, Plateau State Dela Tsintop 08130400344 07034509602 KWARA Olawale 07036462896 LAGOS Bukola 08034790750 MAKURDI, Benue State Natasha 09054895775 NSUKKA, Enugu State Mildred 07060900075 PORT HARCOURT, Rivers State Progress 08068884561 SAMARU, ZARIA Sadiya 08095963818 SHIKA, ZARIA Blessing 08136514860 ZAMFARA Fatima 07068243199 Or make cash donations to; Account Name: Fali Zephaniah Account Number: 0084234503 Bank: Diamond Bank With one pad, you help a girl in an Internally Displaced People’s camp come one step closer to good menstrual hygiene. We implore you to join us in this campaign and help us ensure that girls at Internally Displaced People’s camps have one less thing to worry about. Thank you!
When Women Become the Drivers of Misogyny and Patriarchy
Beyonce and Serena when they were pregnant It saddens me that I have to take this stand today but it has become necessary. Let me make this assertion; in many instances, women are the drivers of patriarchy and a hindrance to other women’s advancement. Even though I have always known that many women are not supportive of each other, I get angry when people say it out loud. I believe those statements are always said in poor light and usually used to describe women as these petty, jealous and bitter beings. I also felt that it was a rhetoric meant to push the idea that we can’t be trusted to be functional outside our ‘emotions’. But even more than that, I desperately wanted to believe that the men who said things like this were wrong; just as they were wrong about our abilities, capabilities and equality. But the past few weeks has got me really assessing my stand on the issue. I knew I had to step out of the idealistic bubble I had put myself in and address the fact that women give misogyny life. While some men and their applies-only-to-women rules are a big problem, women can sometimes look like they are our ‘biggest’ problem. Here is why I am sad about it. Women are quick to put other women down. Say ‘men and women are equal’ and a lot of times, it is a woman who says we aren’t. An unmarried woman gets to the height of her profession or business or political peak and women patriarchists would be the first to classify her achievements as rubbish because she has no husband. A group of us are making the decision to keep our names when we marry and guess what? Some of our biggest opposition are women! Moving on, some women are beginning to come out of abusive relationships and marriages with evidence of abuse and women ask what they did to get beaten or abused! A woman says she is being sexually abused and other women ask what she was wearing. She says she was raped and women ask ‘What took you to his house?’ She says she wants to run for office and women label her a prostitute. In many communities, women who have gone through the pain of female genital mutilation are themselves the ones who ensure younger generations get cut. Like what the hell?! Of course there are men who do these too but our desire is that they will become less vocal as women become more aware of our rights. But how do you deal with women who are helping these men to keep the walls of patriarchy and misogyny from falling down? And why can’t they see the irony? Let me give you some examples that got me in a fix. When Beyoncé got pregnant and said it was a miracle, the backlash was quick. Many people challenged her for daring to call her pregnancy a miracle. Naomi Schaefer Riley of The New York Post even published this piece trivializing her pregnancy. I am a Beyoncé fan and could be labelled jaded but isn’t it weird that we all say, ‘The miracle of childbirth’, ‘A child is a miracle’ but when Beyoncé gets pregnant, pregnancy isn’t a miracle anymore? I could almost understand the ignorance of the men who wanted to dictate how a woman should feel about something happening to her, but for the life of me, I couldn’t understand women who felt they needed to put her experience down because she dared to call it a ‘miracle’. I am of the school of thought that pregnancy is not an achievement but I would not put any woman down who wants to celebrate it as such. I wasn’t always like this but I learned to evolve my ideologies. The same thing happened when it was discovered that Serena Williams was pregnant when she played – and won – her 23rd grand slam in Australia. Most people were excited and genuinely proud of what Serena had done. It spoke of a strength that was admirable. Well…the excitement was good until trolls reared their ugly heads. One in particular got me so pissed with her tweet. See how much engagement she got for that? It made me wonder; didn’t she get the memo that she could extol the qualities of one woman without putting down another? And dear ladies, by show of hands, how many of you would choose to pound yam at your third trimester? Or walk long distances? Or break firewood? Or do any hard work for that matter? But according to Miss Lady above, Serena’s experience didn’t matter because it wasn’t as hard as someone else’s. Well, it may not be as hard as some other women in the world but all their experiences are valid! Missy above could have done better by mentioning some of the underlying factors that force women to do these hard chores whilst pregnant but no…that wouldn’t have brought in the likes and retweets. If we were to use the logic of the trolls in Beyoncé and Serena’s cases, and in cases of all women whose ‘achievements’ are brought down, I think it is safe to say we shouldn’t celebrate anything! Anything at all! This is because, no matter what you do, say or achieve, there will always be someone who has gone through worse to achieve the same. But many of us cannot help but be crabs and it is that mentality that is keeping us women from achieving so much more than we are now. Not talking about our role and contribution to misogyny fuels it even more. We must call out women who contribute to the culture of putting other women down. It makes no sense to keep quiet just because we don’t want some man somewhere saying, ‘I told you so’. Well, I was told! I heard you loud and clear! And…I have seen it firsthand too! Trust me, it sucks! But patriarchy and misogyny sucks too! Imagine a world where
We All Love God. Yet…
We all love God As is evident In our packed churches On Sundays And all our masjid From Fajr to Isha Five times every day. Yet.. We cheat everything And everyone! Steal from the system Lie to save our arses Enrich ourselves By hurting others Spread so much hate To those different from us Kill, maim and destroy Color me purple But… Isn’t that goal of the exiled one? Isn’t that what makes him evil? How can we explain The vast chasm Between One we say Is the Epitome of holiness And our definitely UNHOLY behavior In almost all spheres Of our lives? Why are we then Wasting our time Doing all that ‘worship’ When we cannot Reflect the light We spend so much time Facing? In the words of Lauryn Hill ‘Check your motives and thoughts.’ We need to check our motives and thoughts. Ramatu Ada Ochekliye 26.04.2017. Image: Usaddress Info Photoshelter Shutterstock Henna Blogspot
Find Your Motivation
Today I woke up with absolutely no desire to do anything. I was burned out physically and emotionally and I was beginning to feel like my life could be likened to a hamster and her Ferris wheel. I desperately wanted to just lie in bed and be morose. ‘Lazy Song’ by Bruno Mars started playing in my head and usually, when that happens, I just go with the flow. It took the whole of my will power to get up and do my daily routine. For me, that is starting by reading the day’s news and checking what is trending on social media. It ends with a shower, wearing whatever is at the top of my box and heading out to the office. The cold shower turned out to be exactly what I needed to lift my spirits! I was suddenly busting with ideas and content to put out. I couldn’t wait to pour a little of myself into the universe. Some days, you have to find your own motivation to get out of bed. There are days when it will be so hard that there seems to be no point to it. And ‘adulting’ is so difficult! But if you give in to the darkness, the sorrow, the sadness or the depression, you will be denying the universe some of the wonder that is yourself. So find your motivation today; whether it is GOD, money, food, work, family, someone, or yourself. Keep the darkness at bay. Get a spring in your step and give some of your you to us! Vrede!
How the Leader Leads
They put on a grand show Of cleaning the house Whenever the boss lady Is around They put on a grand show Of taking one meat From the pot of soup When mother is around They put on a grand show Of writing their exams themselves Whenever that lecturer Is around They put on a grand show Of coming to work early And being productive When the manager is around But when the boss lady, The mother, the lecturer and the manager Turn their backs Or stop looking They live like pigs Steal from the pot Exchange answer booklets And gossip in the office And when they get older We push them forward And give them a mantle Chanting ‘Lead us oh wise one! Lead us to the promise land’ After all The faux chores Meal contentedness Studious nature And productive contribution to work Have nothing to do With how the leader leads Ramatu Ada Ochekliye 23.04.2017 Image: Adam Woodrey
The Truly Intelligent One
People read their posts And say to themselves ‘Oh! What intelligence! What intellectuals!’ They click ‘Like’ Or ‘love’ or ‘haha’ But no one knows Everything they put up Is stolen from The truly intelligent one Ramatu Ada Ochekliye 13.04.2017
They Sold Us a White Savior
They sold us a white savior With blond hair and blue eyes Porcelain skin so clear And beard so perfectly groomed He was everything we were not And represented everything we couldn’t be So we latched on to his saving power And hoped that one day We just may qualify To be and look like him Then curiosity came calling And wrapped her musk around us Subtle at first Overpowering as she held our hearts in her hand And we began to ask The questions fear had forbidden us from searching How could he be white? When he was from The place where the sun woke Where hair was so black It shimmered of living fortresses Where the sun kissed skins To a burnt earthy gold Where eyes were enveloping Like the hug of midnight And when a prominent forebear of his Was like the flames of fire, ruddy But beyond that Curiosity directed our gaze To a more salient part of the art That was the story we had been sold Why were we so quick to accept The white savior sold to us? To believe we needed his salvation? To believe we were so unworthy That we needed the alabaster skinned savior To make us feel loved? Was it because Before we were sold the white savior We were put in slavery first Beaten, abused, raped Sent to the field to work Fed with leftover food like dogs And had nothing of our own? Is it because our names were replaced Our heritage erased Our culture deemed ‘barbaric’ And our gods made to naught? Or maybe because we saw That as our siblings graduated From coal to tawny They got better treatment From our Massas We believed that Ivory Had to be right And ebony all shades of wrong So if we couldn’t be washed physically (and not from a want of trying) Then maybe we could be saved From the stink of our s(k)in And finally be good enough For the white Massa who owned us. Emboldened some more We took the lead this time And curiosity followed Knowing she has lit a raging fire If white Savior was so right Why did he allow so much evil Under his watch? Why did he allow his adherents to Pillage our lands Abuse our women…and men Sell us like property Treat us even less than animals Denigrate our humanity Our essence Our worth? How could he be ‘love’ When he only left hate and pain and sorrow In his wake? The more we looked The less appealing white savior became The more we saw The clearer the tapestry became And we could tell for ourselves That white savior was A beast A savage An aberration of everything that is good And we knew we didn’t want him How could we When we had only been told Of the white savior To help a group of people Lord it over us? And then… we looked around Searching for a new savior Someone who loved us For ourselves Ebony skin so black It rivaled midnight’s caress Or body so sensitive and freckled We call it Albino In essence Flaws, perfection and all So we looked around us again Over and above Here, there and everywhere And we found no one It wasn’t until we looked inwards Into ourselves That found for ourselves Our own savior! Knowledge rushed in And then we remembered That there was a savior Who indeed was From the land where the sun wakes A savior to his people But one who the world needs Not for the color of his skin But for the words he spoke And the character he epitomized The love he showed And the death he died Because he completely believed That we should Love the LORD And love each other Like we do ourselves If that isn’t the greatest thing We wonder what is And so we have decided That his GOD will be our GOD That his life, our blueprint His death our sacrifice And his legacy our heritage We never needed a white savior All we needed was To look inward And find bits of the still small voice Saying ‘I love you’. Ramatu Ada Ochekliye 15.04.2017 Image: Jesus in Glory
